difficult child update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Sep 23, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Here I was waiting for difficult child to grow, for his voice to change. Since being in high school I thought it would give him much needed self confidence.

    easy child went through puberty with no problem. Wouldn't even have noticed.

    OMG...I am NOT ready to deal with this. How long does it last.

    His voice is changing I think. One day he has a voice, the next he has no voice. Though he was getting a cold. This has been going on for a couple months. Last night I heard him on the phone and his voice was cracking.

    He won't talk to me at all. When I get the rare opportunity to speak to him he is mean. Any comment that comes out of his mouth is mean. (to me) I am "lame".

    He comes home from school and puts his backpack on the table and goes to his room. That's it. Unless he goes to his girlfriends.

    Today after he went to school (he never opens his backpack once he gets home)..anyway after he left for school I went to his room to pick up clothes for laundry. Crumpled up condom wrapper. Opened his drawer...another one.

    I am at a loss. I have talked to him. He says he isn't doing anything.
    So how long will he think I am "lame", hide in his room, be rude and angry. Only angry with me. I went away for the weekend and he didn't want to see me when I came home.

    How long will this last?
  2. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    Um, not sure where to start. I'm sure others will jump in but I can tell you that my rule is that my 13 1/2 yo twins' rooms and backpacks are open to my inspection at any time with no warning. And I do inspect, preferably with them present. But I have made it clear that I feel that it is my right and responsibility as their parent to inspect without them present if I feel it is necessary.

    I drop my children off and pick them up from school no more than 15 minutes before and after school unless they have a club meeting. In that case I am there to pick them up when they get out. I realize not all parents have the luxury of being able to do this but I know with-o a doubt that my daughter would be in deep trouble by now if I did not provide close supervision before and after school. She has options to socialize within clubs or other supervised settings.

    They each have ONE place they get to stay overnight with a close friend. Both cases are families we have known for 8+ years and whose parents also believe in close supervision. They do not get to stay overnight anywhere else (except family members but they all live out of town).

    My children do not have cell phones or access to cell phones. If your son has a cell phone I suggest that you require him to give it to you at bedtime and you keep the charger in your bedroom so you can keep control over it at night. That's when kids do a lot of texting and setting up meetings with-o adults knowing what's up.

    My daughter is really doing the "you are mean" thing with me too. In her case, she is doing her best to triangulate us, her parents. "I like her and I'll talk to her but I won't talk to you" kind of stuff. Best defense is for you and your spouse to stand firm together and refuse to accept this behavior. Try not to take it personally - it's not helpful and tends to get him what he wants which is power over you. I know it's hard but it's important to try.

    Always check with each other about priviledges etc. Have clear house rules (easier said than done I know) about coming/going, consequences for foul language, consequences for not doing homework, etc - whatever the issues are at your house.

    If he threatens you with violence when you attempt to enforce house rules, then you call the cops. Tell him in advance that this is what will happen and then DO IT.

    This is about his safety and his future. His relationship with authority right now is mostly with you his parents. If he treats you this way and learns it is OK to do it now with you then he will go out and do it as a young adult and the results will not be pretty.

    Good luck - and I wouldn't blame it all on puberty exactly, more on the normal developmental process of individuating from parents. But he's not on the "normal" curve if he's behaving this way and you need to hit the "reset" button ASAP and make it clear what behavior you will and will not tolerate as part of this normal process.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    So what does he do when he gets one of his headaches? Are you able to work with husband on rules and expectations?

    At this point getting control back will be very hard. It will also lead to him saying and yelling awful things. You have taken any criticism or denial of affection very very personally. He has used this very effectively for as long as I have known you.

    It is going to be this way for a long time, possibly permanently unless and until you work up the gumption to refuse to let him treat you poorly. He treats you badly and you fall all over yourself trying to figure out why, and give into demands or do extra nice stuff for him so he will be nice to you.

    You won't ever be able to stop him from having sex. Our generation didn't let parents stop us from having sex, and no other generation has or will let parents interfere. It is a personal choice and no one can take it from you. At least he is using condoms.

    My kids were told that if I found them having sex before they are adults they will have to go to the doctor, talk about it, and have the battery of tests for STD's done. On THEIR dime.

    I am sorry he is not doing what you want him to. With the way his father treats you he has seen no better way to treat a female in his life. You have taken it from his dad, and now you have him doing it. It isn't fun.

    I am sorry you are miserable.
  4. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child - I DO have strict rules with him, makes me feel so guilty about that. I DO and I WILL inspect his room whenever I want. He knows this. Anything in his pockets when I do the wash is mine. Regardless what it is. Homework - I do not bend on this. Sleeping in class unacceptable. Missing assignments, unacceptable. He will do them regardless of the grade he will get for being late. I bring him in early and make him stay late. Have him meet with a teacher at the library on weekends. He hates me because I always ask about school.

    I DO take his computer, phone, ipod away when he does not follow the rules. I take them to work with me. Girlfriend - she is only allowed over when someone is home (her parents rules). He is only allowed over when they are home. Mutual rules. He must leave by 9:30 on weekends and 7 on school nights. Where they go when he comes home with hickies I do not know. Her parents are home.

    He plays baseball twice a week and is home most nights. Just moody and tends to stay in his room.

    husband and I did speak to him about the condome wrappers. He said a friend blew it up and tied it to his antenna. (friend just got his license and a car) difficult child called him and put him on speaker phone and asked him about it. friend said, "oh the one I blew up with my nose".

    He is afraid of drugs and alcohol. Panic attacks if he thinks he took too many Advil. Even though the doctor says he can take 4 at once. He will not. He does have Tylenol #3 for bad headaches. He called me at work about two weeks ago. He took one every day that week. Two on the day he called me. He wanted epicac (sp?). Said he needed to throw up because he thinks he took too many advil, excedrin, tylenol #3 that week. After going through when and times I told him he was fine. He then asked for a suppository. Haha...the tylenol#3 makes you constipated. He used one and felt so much better. Hasn't taken anything since, even though he still gets headaches daily.

    I do drill into him everytime he goes to girlfriend's house, that he better treat her nice. Respect her and respect himself. No means no. And all the other issues I lecture him on. He has always been very open with me about sex, drugs, drinking. But this shutting me out totally is driving me nuts. His smart, mean comments to anything I say really hurts and he knows it. If I am not working, I will now just leave rather than get into it. His father has stepped up this past year and difficult child does not like it.

    husband is on an antidepressant. unknown to him. Dr. gave it to him to help with back pain. I know it is an antidepressant, husband does not. I did not tell him. Things between us has gotten much better. Still, could be much better. But no fighting. It has definately made a difference.

    difficult child has just gotten me so sad. I understand he is changing big time. Growing so much so fast. He actually called me today and seemed in good spirits.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Are you verifying when he says he's going to girlfriend's house that her parents KNOW that so they can be at home? Or are all parents involved thinking that because the rule is parents must be in the house that when the kids visit, there doesn't need to be communication between parents? JMHO but I think 14yo is too young for this. Condoms break.
  6. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Yes. We talk to girlfriend's parents. And - difficult child says he never had sex. He did verify with a friend where the condom wrapper came from.

    But, yes...we talk to the parents when we drop him off. They always come out when we bring difficult child over and wave to us from the door. Sometimes they come out and talk to us. They like difficult child. Said he is such a gentleman...lol. And he and the parents get a long really well. He loves talking to them.. I like that. I like the fact that he talks to his friends parents. They like that too.

    If we do not bring difficult child over there, they pick him up. Or they drop off girlfriend and wait for a wave from us.
  7. tictoc

    tictoc New Member

    I'm sorry things are so difficult. I dread my difficult child's teen years.

    Just wondering about the source of your difficult child's headaches. I am new here and don't know the history. Are they tensions and anxiety related? If so, have you tried an non-medication approaches to pain management, e.g. physical therapy? That approach--no exaggeration here--changed my life.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That makes me feel better!! I know there's only so much we can do as parents but if you can get them to hold off on the sex, all the better!