difficult child update

[Jena]

hi

sooo been so easy child consumed as of late.. difficult child is eating, eating well, eating everything all the time. had to put a break on meals because she's just eating 24/7. lol. which is good yet she still needs to learn 3 healthy meals a day and one snack, so i'm working on it. yet haven't heard a word about her throat at all! i'm soo happy to say.

now what i have seen since we have returned is alot of name calling to me by her. which is a rarity i'll admit. only when she's truly in a rage will she be difficult. yet lately it's your a jerk, your a baby, your so lazy i hate you, i cant' stand you. on and oni t goes. refusing to listen at every turn. it's like i'm handling easy child.

i've punished her each time. she just lost tv again for tonight due to her mouth and insulting me again. there's no build up like the normal rages, at all. it's just utter disrespect.

i was always afraid easy child's attitude and nastiness would catch on. we're at the 12 mark difficult child's birthday's in a week i'm sure the hormones are kicking up bad. yet she's turning on me in a way in which she never has just thru functioning normally in our day and with really mean insults.

what else do i do besides punish and say hey it's wrong to speak to me that way. than give her coping skills and alternatives when she's angry and that lashing out isnt' the right thing to do.

its shocking actually i can see how nasty difficult child's going to be on an ongoing daily basis.

 

[Jena]

i just had a talk with-her it makes sense she's done now it's 9 mos of enclosure. she wants friends and a life. yet her patience as with most kids is minimal. her old 2 friends that she might of been able to connect with-again are ignoring her texts, she has no others. the parents aren't even answering phone to me. it's absurd. she wants to go back to school just so she'll get out of this house yet at the same time she isn't ready for what's going to hit her.

my stepson came home yesterday and saId how the kids are saying she's weird for not being back in school, etc. their gossiping. she's going to be hit with-so much going back in. i truly feel like she needs supports in place first. therapist which we dont' have yet and the application i put thru for the team of ppl in home is being held up due to the pyschdoc who gave a 3 year old evaluation to the team of ppl. they needed current i told him that.

so i feel bad for her i know she deserves a life yet she cant' fly into a 10 period day at school till she's got supports in place to handle what goes down. right?? i mean she'll be up all night with-anxiety and than she'll crash and burn. we haven't even discussed yet how she's going to handle the questioning from kids.

 

[AnnieO]

Sounds like she's on the upswing, honestly - I am a terrible patient, when I start to get better I'm such a witch. Maybe this is the case with her?

Take her by surprise - when she calls you a name, instead of immediately reacting? Ask her why she is saying that, draw her out. She'll probably be so shocked it'll take a bit. As for losing TV for her mouth - just let her know, calmly, that she will get privileges back when she treats you with respect. Give to get.

Now if Onyxx would just listen to this logic...

 

[HaoZi]

Jena, would something like Big Brothers/Big Sisters be an option for her? A Big Sister to get her out a bit for some socializing with someone she doesn't have to see at school everyday (when she goes back). She may do better with kids that are closer to being her intellectual equals rather than her chronological equals. Make sense?

 

[Josie]

I can't remember if you have looked into the homeschooling groups around there. There might be some fun classes she could take and meet some new people there. If there aren't classes, there might be social events for all homeschoolers in the area.

From what I can tell, the families are pretty involved in the social events, too, so you might also meet new friends. My daughter is just now ready to get out there again, so we haven't gone to the social meeting yet.

I don't necessarily take a hard line on disrespect. When they have called me lazy, I might act surprised but the next time they want me to do something, I tell them I would do it, except I am too lazy. If they say they hate me, I ignore it at the time but again, when they want something, I say that I don't really want to be around someone that hates me.

My husband hates this approach, but it is actually working for me. I think it helps them see how their words affect someone better than if I punished them by taking their TV away. Then they would just be even madder at me and not be looking at their own behaviour. They really aren't disrespectful that much now, but they have been.

I also view chronic hatefulness as a sign of a problem and not just behavioral and try to address the real problem. For A that means getting back on her diet and for B it might mean a talk with the psychiatrist.

 

[Jena]

hi

step i'm sorry i know. i have a little bit of an advantage due to difficult child's age. yet def. not her size she's almost as tall as me. it's soo scary. i did that once the draw her out thing she just got worse lol. i was like hmmm ok i'm leaving the room now

i think part of it is totally to be expected she's eating everything in site seems to be back to before the eating disorder so she's ready to fly now and wants a life just like mom. we're both biting at the bit.

i did look into homeschooling groups and had zero luck. i couldnt' find one that would also us since she's being home tutored by school and that had a viable phone number on the web list i found! unreal all out of order numbers listed. if anyone's in my neck of the woods and knows please i'd love suggestions!

we did church on sunday wow i forgot to tell you guys way way too funny! we went to first church because we're shopping for the right fit and also one with-youth groups for her to become active in and make a friend hopefully. we walk into first one she was like WHAT! the sermon was how our family didn't count because i'm remarried, how i'd burn in hell due to that, how she would burn in hell if she looked at someone with-any level of contempt. it just went on and on lol. so we left quick!

second one we went to. we made two masses that day. same exact sermon! yet the reverend was extremely cool read it and said yea ok this is modern times stick that in your pipe and smoke it was very funny and engaging yet waiting to hear backif they have youth groups or not. if they do we'll give them a shot again.

the horseback riding may not be the thing for her. we went saturday and she didn't love it. i said maybe a dance class would be more for you. it's physical and maybe she'd luck out and make a friend? their kids from all different areas. maybe it'll be small class size. so this week when i get a chance i'm checking those out next.

haozi boys and girls thing def. yet that's what i'll be getting a young girl to take her out part of the waiver team i used to work for that i'm waiting for them to come into our home. yet the pysch doctor office messed up. we'll have respite that'll be her person to take her out and have fun, than they'll be a case manager to oversee and come up with ideas on how to structure better etc. than another girl to come in and just work with her with homework, organization skills just talk about junk etc. than a piece for me a parent advocate hopefully can help me with resources support groups etc. im very excited about having these ppl i know them all worked witha ll of them their almost all amazing and i think it'll be the final piece i need and help i desperately need to get all this in order here.

i do feel movement though i gotta admit in the right direction. easy child's slowly calming asked me for advice yesterday for the first time, difficult child is eating that's a plus and dog's are getting a bit better. me i still haven't found my time i think i'm getting really mad about it. husband told me we can't afford gym or yoga for me. i was like that's not good enough. he has a membership the kids both have stuff now where's my piece of it?

 

[HaoZi]

Not sure if they have one in your area or not, but our local Boys & Girls Club is only $10/year for membership. Big Brothers Big Sisters wouldn't require you to coordinate, you can enroll her yourself on the website if you think it's something that might help.

 

[Jena]

i knew what you meant, just meant i dont' wanna add another person in till i get that team of ppl in. i'm praying it'll be soon, their working on it. i got a contact name from place i used to work at so they pulled the application and are processing it. our weeks going to be insane between 5 ppl in home and 5 tutors. should be interesting.

 

[HaoZi]

You might want to check, the one in our area has a waiting list of 400 kids!

 

[DDD]

I have no way of knowing your family but it is quite possible that your difficult child, and maybe even your easy child, is trying to break the too close bond with you. Out of necessity their interactions have been limited and you have taken on the role of tight companion in lieu of peers. All kids reach a transition stage where they need to identify themselves independently so it could be a "natural" process that is just magnified due to the health issues. Instead of just "stepping back" they are "lashing out".

Of course blatant disrespect can't be ignored. Do either of your girls like to write or paint? Some kids can vent their emotions in those ways with-o parental involvement. I tried various groups for GFGmom and later for her bioson difficult child with-o much success. As I mentioned before bowling helped for difficult child but sports and dance classes were often kids with years of experience so going in cold only made the "outsider" concept stronger. Around here kids start at 5 or 6 in those types of groups. I made a mistake using a neighbor's church and youth group for difficult child. The people are nice people and live next door. They had a son difficult child's age and invited him to attend with them. He
was thrilled and eager to go. Turns out their religious practices were extreme. He was always eager to go and when asked "how was it?" always said "fine" "fun" etc. After a year I found out that their practices included speaking in tongues etc. and with his mh issues it resulted in long term problems.

Do you have a neighboring community with easy access? If so perhaps you could explore groups there. It would be inconvenient but your children would not be exposed to the rejection in your hometown. If so you could call the youth leaders and with-o exploring details feel them out on their policies of inclusion. Sometimes just a fifteen minute ride allows a fresh start. I did that with difficult child for a theater group and it was worth the time and fuel. He didn't end up with dear close friends but he was part of a group with pleasant parents.

Geez......what a long response. I need to go to work and I'm rambling on. As always I hope that things get better and better for you all. Hugs. DDD

 

[AnnieO]

husband says you can't afford gym or yoga?

OK - how about a membership to the local YMCA/YWCA? That's for the whole family, members get to take most of the classes free, and it's sure a lot cheaper than Mom having a psychotic break because she's trying to handle everything!

 

[DDD]

Just another quick thought. Alot of people have found karate (or the variant forms) to be ideal for their kids as there are always beginners learning, you advance at your own rate and some kids feel empowered by their skill. In my limited experience it is imperative to know the instructor's method of teaching and frame of mind. We have one in town where the man is too disciplined and yet another that is headed by a very passive man. What works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another. If money is so tight that you can't join a group now have you thought about walking for exercise and peace of mind. It's really helpful and you are blessedly alone! DDD

 

[Steely]

I was gonna say what DDD said - I think she is trying to break away from you by using nasty words. In a way it is a good thing.

TaeKwonDo was great for Matt, for awhile.

I don't know about new york, but in dallas there were a million homeschool groups that were just activities once a week. They didn't care if you really homeschooled or not, it was just a place for the kids to go on field trips, etc., during the day. I found them all online. Many of them were affliated with churches.

You know, with her Special Education accommodations, she should be able to go back to school for even one class/subject a day.

The other idea is enrolling her in a YMCA afterschool program. I think it is pretty cheap, can't remember exactly the cost, but there is 3 hours a day of pure social interactions. Matt was in that for a couple of years, and if I remember correctly, they can work on a sliding scale.

And just as a side note - I do not think I would limit her eating - the last thing you want her to feel is that you are controlling her food again. ( But, I am not a psychiatric dr, so what do I know!)

 

[svengandhi]

I know you were interested in having difficult child do horseback riding but she didn't seem to like it. Have you considered the special needs horseback riding programs? There is one in your county that might be good - my friend used to take her son to it.

Karate might not be so good right now because she might not be physically strong enough to do it.

On your other note, you mentioned that the school psychiatric is best friends with your H's ex. I would send a certified letter demanding that she no longer handle your child's case, that a Chinese wall be set up (essentially, she would not be allowed any access to your daughter's files) because there is a conflict of interest and she could be bringing in information from unrelated sources to her dealings with your family. Your SD must have more than one school psychiatric. Do not put up with this woman handling your family's issues. I would send a letter to the head of Pupil Personnel and to the school board member charged with Special Education issues. At least getting her off your case would be one less stressor.

We had a psychiatric when my difficult child was in 6th grade who deliberately tried to get him to make overt threats at the school so she could have him expelled and sent to a school for emotionally disturbed students. She was stupid enough to admit it at a CSE. I demanded that she have no contact ever with difficult child and I have maintained that with 2 younger kids in the district (easy child now 14 went out of district but had a psychiatric at the local school; it was NOT her). Five years later, it's actually funny how transparent this woman was. She got difficult child to say "When I am a grownup (he was 11), I am going to come back with my army of soldiers of the night and destroy the middle school." She then asked him if the soldiers were with him. He responded "Why? Do you see them?" at which point she deemed him dangerous, suspended him and called us. Needless to say, the suspension was never put into place and she came very close to losing her job. Years later, we laugh about it - we refer to difficult child's friends as his "Army of Soldiers of the Night!"

Anyway, I am serious about trying to get the psychiatric off your case. Your SD will not want bad publicity or a complaint with the State Education Dept.

 

[donna723]

"On your other note, you mentioned that the school psychiatric is best friends with your H's ex."

Jena, is there any possible way that this could be where the calls to CPS are coming from?