difficult child wants me to rat out his former girlfriend to her mom ...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Aug 29, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I told him that this won't do any good and he's just hurt and angry, and he said, "No, I'm not!" after crying for three days and yelling at me all through breakfast.
    girlfriend is breaking up with-him after 7 mo's.
    So he thinks he should "come clean" about their sexual activity. My heart dropped to the bottom of the sea. "Do you think she's pregnant?":beafraid:
    "No, we didn't have sex. She sent me naked pictures on her cell phone."
    :nervoussmiley:(Oh, is that all?) "When did you get the chance to do that when you were at her house and not alone?"
    "I don't want to go into it. And don't tell Dad. But I think we should come clean about what happened."
    "I just do."
    "Did you delete the pictures?"
    "Yes, but she still has them."
    "Are you in any?"
    "No, she wasn't interested." (?????)
    "I have to think about it. I don't want to be a go-between."
    "You wouldn't be a go-between. It's just that you have her mom's # on your phone. I'll call her."
    "No! Let me think about it."

    Okay. I've thought about it. NO.

    I need a nap.:backingout:
  2. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    Oh geez, I hope he doesn't do it. That family was so nice to him. If they didn't actually have sex (which is amazing), he needs to let it go. I'm sure you know, he's just mad at her right now.

    Hugs to your DS. Teenage heartbreak is hard.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Oh my! A very hard situation! difficult child is putting herself in a very dangerous position to be open to sharing those pictures. It will not take long for a dangerous person to find her.

    Is husband a good source for difficult child to talk with about this? Can you ask him to share the topic without giving away details of the situation. A "difficult child is very upset about this breakup! Can you talk to him? "

    I don't think you calling the other mom will help. I know I wouldn't believe anyone who calls me with this info. I don't know what the best way is. I doubt girlfriend will even listen to difficult child if he were to try to suggest she come clean. If he wants to write a letter to girlfriend's parents apologizing for accepting the picture and anything else he now understands was wrong on his part and then share it with you to decide if it should be sent or not might help him understand how this has effected him.

    Do they attend the same school? Maybe talking to a school counselor that you have learned this activity is happening (I am sure it is not an isolated case with girlfriend and difficult child) and ask if the health classes can provide some education?

    If you find the answer, please share. I am sure this is a common issue cross the country.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, it seems to be common with-the girls my difficult child hangs out with! We were thrilled a few mo's ago when he started hanging out with-a "normal" girl he'd known from private school 3 yrs ago. They met again on a gaming site, I think.
    Nice, nice family.
    No cutting, no drama.

    HA!!! She was sexting him ... and her poor dad was alternately enraged and heartbroken.

    (difficult child showed us the pics before he deleted them. They were boob shots.)

    I have NO IDEA why girls do this, knowing that these pics can be sent anywhere.
    I don't think that they think that far ahead. They're in the moment.

    I like the idea of difficult child writing a letter and not mailing it ... to explore the "why" of his need to call his former girlfriend's mom.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think staying out of this is the best thing you can do.

    I wonder what these girls are thinking??!!?? In a lot of areas they can actually be charged for having and/or distributing child porn if they are caught sexting. in my opinion it is overkill to charge them, but given the ease with which these sexts can be shared with people all over the world, maybe it isn't overkill. But if they are convicted of having/distributing, they then have to register as sex offenders for life and that IS too much for sending pics of themselves.

    Teens are idiots, and teen difficult children are even bigger idiots, in my opinion. At least some of the time anyway.
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yeah, I'd stay out of it on their side, just make sure he deletes the photos so they don't get passed around making him the bad guy...possibly even in legal trouble. So disappointing when kids do this stuff. I'm glad he came to you though. To me it seems like a good thing that he was not hiding it or being sneaky in how he responded. Am I just wanting to see the bright side??? LOL
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, Buddy, we take the good when we can, lol!
  8. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    Am I missing something? Why the need to tell the mom when the dad is "alternately enraged and heartbroken?" Unless the parents don't speak with each other, it's a safe bet mom already knows and is equally enraged and heartbroken. If, however, the parents don't know, I think they should be told because the girl is going on a dangerous path. I agree with the idea of informing a guidance counselor, even anonymously. and having the school deal with it. I see no need to contact the parents directly. I would explain to difficult child that he is right that sexting is wrong and he should not do it again but that her dad knows and they will deal with it. I don't know if I would tell him about the guidance counselor.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh,svengandi, it's two different girls!
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Someone needs to tell someone because those texts are still on your cloud. If the cops ever do look at her phone they are going to see she sent the pics to your son and he will get in trouble and with him now involved with the cops, that isnt a good thing. If he so much as showed that phone to another kid, bingo. I am soooooo glad I skipped this step. lol. (crossing body parts, knocking on wood and throwing salt over my shoulder)

    Maybe you could send an anonymous letter to the girls parents from the post office in another part of town saying that you have seen a picture of their daughter on a cell phone or the internet and you thought they should know.
  11. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    If I were her mom I would want to know. Young girls don't understand the long term problems these actions can cause. And someone should guide her. If the home situation is not stable, I would talk to a school counselor, but I would not just let it go.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child swiped my phone today to get his ex's mom's # off of it, and I had to threaten to take his computer away all day to get the phone back.
    Then I sat and hand-sewed a ripped quilt (my dog has ruined all of our pillows, numerous socks, and 3 blankets) and told him I had more chores for him. He was really, really mad and shouting and I just stitched and ignored him.
    He finally decided that chores just *might* get him his computer back, so he vacuumed around my feet, did a couple of other things, and then sat down and told me why he was so concerned about his ex.
    Turns out she broke up with-him because she intends to date a 17-yr-old at her school. (She got zoned for another school because she qualified for a science placement, plus her house is in a different ZIP code.) Supposedly she was already riding home with-him (he can drive) and pretending to her mom that she was taking the bus.
    Nothing else a 17-yr-old would want with-a 13-yr-old except for ... youknowwhat.

    Now that difficult child has broken up with-her, he has heard from 3 other exes that she did the same thing to them ... told them she loved them and wanted to marry them yadda yadda, all the stuff you usually hear that a guy tells a girl, but in reverse.

    But with-this 17-yr-old, now all the wannabes put their heads together and decided they were just practice.

    difficult child had his HS orientation today (the public school I said that I would rather die than have him attend) and he called me and said he thinks he's going to like it. All I know is that he ran into everyone except 2 people from middle school, and he got caught up on gossip!

    One of the kids who was not there is supposedly going to another school. Good thing, because he was the one whose mom pawned my rings.

    And yes, difficult child still has one photo on his phone of his ex. He thinks he should save it to show the mom. He is totally H*ll-bent on talking to the mom if I don't.

  13. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would. She is 13 and sending boob shots? And dating a 17 yo? I would call this mom myself.
  14. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    My thinking is to not tell difficult child a thing, but contact the mom. If the mom doesnt want to believe this, I would take a reliable witness along and show her the remaining photo. Explain ALL others were deleted to protect her daughter and then delete remaining one in front of the mom and the witness. I would ignore anything from mom that went to attack difficult child or defend her daughter. I would simply explain you have concern of the dangers and wanted to tell her, one mother to another. Then I would wash my hands.

    My thinking process is that IF police learn she is sending these types of photos, even in relation to say this new boy, if investigated properly the police may learn from cell records or whatever that difficult child received some too. If approached by police, you alert then that difficult child informed you. Photos were deleted but the one showed to mom which was then deleted in front of the witness you can provide. This will take difficult child out of liability likely for having had them on his phone. I mean , regardless of waiting until angry to show you, he did show you and they are gone and haven't been shared at all. Know what I mean??

    Protecting you and yours is sensible. And hopefully this mom can see the potential massive danger her child is placing herself
    In. Naked photos like that can destroy a life. If the mother ignores the situation, that's on her.

    Gosh kids doing this drives me nutso. They have no sense.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would want to know too. I would REALLY want to know.
  16. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    This must be very disturbing for you!?
    It makes my mommy heart ache for the future!
    I will let it be....Its their child, their problem....
    I do agree to maybe talk to your son regarding choosing friends, what this tought him exct?
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all. He says he already deleted the last photo but I am going to get husband to talk to him ... I wasn't supposed to tell so I'm not sure how to go about this. One min, difficult child hates my guts, the next min he's telling me extremely personal things and that I should not tell dad ...