difficult child was arrested for drugs and underage drinking

[Nancy]

I knew something was up. I searched the court records from the county her college is in and found it. She has two charges and has to appear in court at 8:15 Tuesday, which I'm sure she won't do because she has no way to get there and will never get up in time.

Rumor has it that her girlfriend picked her up and brought her into town this afternoon. She texted me and said she was coming home and I told her no.

She doesn't know we know about the arrest.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

I'm so sorry, Nancy. It's hard even though you knew it was coming.

Sending {{{hugs}}}.

~Kathy

 

[Marguerite]

One tends to go hand in hand with the other. I'm so sorry, Nancy.

Cultural differences again - I'd be grabbing her by the scruff of the neck and dragging her home. She would have to do a lot of fast talking (with me checking up on her, talking to her teachers at college) for her to convince me she was putting in ANY productive time at college, to justify her being permitted to stay there. I know she's legally an adult, but she still surely needs you in some way? Funding? Other financial support? Housing (in holiday time)?

"If you want us to continue to provide X then you WILL be in court on time to face the consequences of your actions."

While trying to handle tihs alone, it probably is simply too confronting, too upsetting and it's easier to pretend it's not really going on. However, this is a very bad habit to even do once, let alone get into.

Sometimes they need someone by their side to help them face the problems they have caused. Not to take it away or lessen the burden, not even to share the burden. Simply to help them organise their thoughts and actions in order to meet their responsibilities.
"First you need to know the charges. Then you need to find out whether you have to hqave legal representation. Then find out what is likely to happen. Will it be dealt with on the day, or merely listed for mention? Are you eligible for legal aid? when you talk to your solicitor, you need to be open and honest, so they won't find any nasty surprises when the arresting officer gives evidence."
And so on. Lay it out for her so she can understand it and follow it. Stand behind her firmly. Because while you stand behind her firmly, she cannot turn and run.

It all depends on where she is in this journey. You may have already done all this in the past and feel that for her, it would be counterproductive.

Whatever path you need to take, we are here.

Marg

 

[Nancy]

Marq,

We are WELL past this stage.

Nancy

 

[Marguerite]

I had a hunch you might be. Just hoped I was wrong. As I said, it all dpends on where she is in this journey.

At least you got her graduated from high school. Sounds to me like college is a write-off. At least until she works out her priorities. The environment she has fallen into is enabling her to do the wrong thing. It would be interesting to know how she's going in class (assuming she GETS to class).

I remember when I was in 1st year uni, we were told there was a 90% drop-out rate. Certainly the 1st year classes were many and full, but by 2nd year our numbers were down to 30, from up to 600. There are many reasons why kids drop out. Having to handle responsibility so solidly for the first time was undoubtedly one big reason. Not having the maturity to ignore distractions was another big reason. And when drugs come into the equation (drugs and "having fun") then focus has been lost and until you get that focus back, no progress will be made.

here is where our cultures deviate, I think. I simply don't know or understand enough about your education system at college level. It's not quite the same as our uni system but I gather it is available with the same freedoms.

I know in my case, I simply couldn't handle the combination of all the freedoms, coupled with the lack of grounding. And I wasn't a difficult child!

It wasn't until I quit uni and got a job for a few years that I finally was able to go back to my studies with more grounding and more maturity. Trying to continue while so unsettled and unfocussed was simply a waste of time and money.

I hope you can find a way through this. She has to learn to make good choices, and she has to learn to do this for herself.

Marg

 

[Wiped Out]

Nancy,
I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending gentle hugs.

 

[totoro]

Coming from a family who is very messed up in drugs and alcohol and lots of jail time... I am so sorry.
I can't imagine it being my child.
I guess it is that old adage one step forward two steps back with our kids...
What a hoover-fest.
I think you are being level headed about despite it being your little girl.

 

[DammitJanet]

I assume she was ticketed for possession and underage drinking? This is why there was no bail right? Or was she released ROR? I assume she is smart enough to know that if she fails to appear on Tuesday that it means a bench warrant right? I mean...Daddy has told her what a bench warrant is right? LOL.

Hopefully she is smart enough to know that going on Tuesday will mean a slap on the wrist while a bench warrant will mean a ride in a cop car and someone posting her bail.

 

[slsh]

Nancy, I'm so sorry. It is just so utterly miserable to watch them go down this path and know there's not a darn thing we can do to redirect them. Frustrating, heartbreaking, infuriating, demoralizing.... I gotta tell you, I'm getting nostalgic for the bad old days of my difficult child's childhood - this adult stuff is the *pits*.

J is an adult now. I'd be tempted to go on about your business without letting her know that you and husband are aware of this. Logical consequences and all that.

Sigh... I'm really so very sorry, Nancy.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Nancy}}} Sorry she has pulled yet another immature & boneheaded stunt. Sending positive thoughts that you won't feel too much stress from this and that she's smart enough to find a way to court on Tuesday. Hopefully she won't get kicked out of school or lose financial assistance.

 

[Nancy]

Janet, you've been around the block lol. Yes according to the website she was given a summons. Evidently they don't put the college kids in jail for drug/alcohol violations. Ironically the alcohol charge is more serious with a possibility of 180 days in jail. I'm sure she won't get jail time but since she has two charges she may get something more serious. I am hoping for a six month suspension of her license.

I have no idea if she understands the seriousness of not showing up but she will find out. Trying to keep a sense of humor here, there was a $7 charge included in her tuition for legal representation for the college students. husband said that was the best $7 he ever spent.

Nancy

 

[gcvmom]

I'm so sorry, Nancy.

(Hugs)

 

[DammitJanet]

Geeze Nancy...Cory really should have gone to college. He could have saved tons on legal bills! Even if you only count the measily little amounts they tack on for court appointed representation, I think he could have financed a jr college degree by now...lmao. And think of how much less time he would have had on his hands!

I think you may be well on your way to getting your wish about her drivers license. From what I have heard about OH, if she keeps this up it wont be long till her antics wind up with her ending up with at least a small felony and there goes the drivers license. And dont they do the tying the DL to no underage drinking charges like they do here? Here if a person gets caught drinking underage they take their license but Im not sure for how long. They may be able to appeal it for work necessities.

 

[everywoman]

In SC a minor is possession of alcohol looses his/her license for 6 months----the next offense is 1 year---finally I think it is 5 years. difficult child lost his for 6 months when he was 19. He now has a possession of paraphernalia and possession of a gram or less---they found a seed I think in the car he was a passenger in. He has a lawyer. I have not spoken to the lawyer, nor will I go to court with him. He is an adult. He has decided to make adult choices---he will face the consequences of those choices. I am not upset about the charge---I expected it sooner or later. I am not disappointed in him---he is quite honest about his use of marijuana. But, he has grown in other ways. So, we talk daily---not about his charge---and our relationship has improved tremendously since I backed away from my condemnation of his lifestyle. I don't condone it. I just understand that I can't do anything about it and trying to was making me crazy and making him resentful.

 

[Fran]

Ugh Nancy. You knew she was going to shoot herself in the foot.
I understand that you are past giving her a good talking to. You know she doesn't care about college, driver's license or anything but boyfriend and partying.
Threatening her with not paying for school means she is living with you again which gives you the role as bad guy.
Jail might be a good thing since nothing else seems to impress her. Being with-o boyfriend, comforts of the non incarcerated may make her wise up or not.

I love husband's comment about the best 7.00 he ever spent. Sure is curious that she didn't feel she needed parents to help guide her through the court system. Guess she really does want to be without parents. Jail is a good place to get her wishes.

On the other hand, I know you are sad and disappointed that she continues to mess things up.

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, you've taught me a lot about adopted kids that I didn't want to face so I wanted to check in and give you some support and/or empathy...both, I hope.

My daughter was on parole three times for the same stupid thing. She was luckier because she was under eighteen and it was erased from her record, but I think the two of them have stuff in common.

I hope this wakes up your daughter, but at her age it's up to her. We were finished bailing daughter out once she hit that magic eighteen. Just as you feel, and rightly so, we felt we did all we could for her and were unwilling to enable her bad choices.

I hope this scares her to pieces and straightens her out. You did more than you needed to do for her and now it's her turn. She knows how to behave if she wants to. I'm sorry for your hurting heart. You did more than we were willing to do. We would never have sent daughter away to school knowing she would have been a magnet for all things self-destructive and she didn't get that extra chance your daughter got. We sent her to the local tech school. She managed to find druggies there anyway and her counselor called us up once worried that she was on cocaine. She was. It was a miracle she wasn't thrown out of the hairdressing program.

 

[Ephchap]

Ohhhh, Nancy, my heart fell when I read the title of your thread ... yes, I guess we knew this was coming. Ughhh. It sure doesn't make it any easier on you, I know.

Sending mega hugs your way.

Deb

 

[rejectedmom]

I'm so sorry your suspicions were confirmed. -RM

 

[Shari]

I'm so sorry. Wish there was something magic about 18 that would make them suddenly "get it". hahaha - dreaming.

So sorry. Let us know.

 

[Star*]

Nancy,

I think it's interesting that she didn't call you and husband. One could hope that either it's a sign of maturity or she's finally figured out that you are not going to bail her out of anything. (unless she got ROR) In which case we can hope she shows up to court tomorrow and even then, the bright side to that is she's taking THAT seriously enough as a consequence to go and face her demons. Sometimes you just have to find the silver lining even in a rain cloud. I know it's a pathetic attempt to cheer you - but look at it this way -

If she goes - it shows she is maturing and trying to handle herself despite being a bone-head, and making poor choices.

If she does not go - the adult world will SHOW her it doesn't play and give second chances and wipe the slate clean and either she'll get it, or she won't. If she does the first time? The consequences will be served and hopefully that will be the end of it. If she doesn't? It may take a time or two, and by then that may be her level and she'll be so tired of being a bone-head she'll stop.

If she doesn't stop and continues into her adult years? Then you know you really did do everything you could do - and regardless of what you would have done way back then detaching was the best thing to do to save yourself heartache and from being drawn into the drama and ruining the years you have left.

At least that's how my therapist explained it to me. I'm still trying to work on that last paragraph. - Detachment isn't easy.

Sending hugs.
Star