difficult child was indicted today, on three felony charges

[pinevalley]

My difficult child had his first court appearance today since he was arrested one month ago. He was formally indicted on three felony charges, two charges for theft and one for residential burglary. The only thing that they did today was indict him on the charges and then set a new court date for two weeks from today. They also assigned a judge to his case, and our attorney is very happy with the judge. Our attorney knows this judge from many other cases, so this will be good for our son.

Unfortunately my h and I did not even get to see our son at court today. We both went to court at the time that our attorney said the case would be heard, but this attorney met us in front of the courthouse and told us they moved our son's case up one hour so it was already over. Our attorney met with difficult child, and he said that he is doing well and he looks much better than when he was first arrested (and he was high on drugs all the time). I have not even seen my son in one month, so I really wanted to at least be in the courtroom for him and see him today. But this is all a lesson for difficult child, that he has absolutely no control over his life right now, and there is not anything he can do about it.

difficult child was moved to the residential drug unit in the jail, and he is in group therapy two times a day. He calls us often, and I know that he is safe in jail, and he is not in any danger from other inmates. He actually admitted to me on the phone last week that if he was not in jail right now he probably would be dead. He was taking up to 40 pills of triple C (cough and cold medicine that makes kids hallucinate) a day. I had no idea that he was taking so many pills, so at least he is getting some help now. I am still very sad that he is in jail, and he will probably be there for the next several months at least. Now that difficult child is not on drugs and he is clear headed he is actually talking to us on the phone, and it is good to be able to talk to him. I am trying to detach, because our difficult child made the choice to use drugs and now he has to pay the price for his crimes. I go from being very angry at difficult child, to sad, then back to angry, and frustrated and then back again. But I guess these emotions can be expected when we have a kid in jail. My h and I are going to FA meeting every week, and they are really helpful also. We are all part of the justice system now, and it will be several months before our difficult child is either given probation or he is sent to prison.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs))))) I am sorry you didn't even get to see him. You are handling all of this very well. PLEASE give yourself permission to cry, break down, get help other than FA as you need it. My mom did most of the stuff regarding my bro's hitting bottom by herself. I lived hours away and had 3 small kids, my dad refused to take time off work to go to court, etc.... and mom felt very alone. Once he was "okay" meaning had 1 yr sober and a suspended sentence that could be expunged if he kept out of trouble, she had a complete breakdown. She truly stopped functioning. She didn't let herself ask for help other than a few alanon meeting and phoning in most of her sessions with her therapist (literally doing it over the phone so the therapist couldn't see how bad off she was) and it ended up destroying her for a long time. She had to retire on disability, her health tanked totally - she has chronic health issues and they got so much worse, and lots of other stuff got really bad.

PLEASE don't let this happen to you. Get help, whatever works for you. I am glad your husband was with you and it sounds like you are supporting each other through this. that is great. My dad just sort of pretended it wasn't happening and my mom felt very alone. Learn from her mistakes, please. I don't want anyone to hurt like she did.

 

[pinevalley]

Thank you, Susie. My h has been a huge support for me, and we are getting through this together. My h wants to help difficult child with a lawyer, but he is very angry that difficult child relapsed after he was in rehab and was arrested. He says that he will not worry about difficult child, because this kid deserves to be in jail. I know that h worries about difficult child, he just does not want to show his emotions
I think that I do most of the worrying for the two of us.

 

[DDD]

I'm glad to read that your son is in the program and seems to be absorbing the message. Lordy, I completely and totally understand your emotions. been there done that...and sadly sometimes I float back to those painful months. It is life altering for the difficult child and for those who love him. You seem to be doing well coping but surely don't feel guilty for getting those overwhelmed feelings. It's all part of loving the brats. Hugs. DDD

 

[Signorina]

sending lots of love to you XXOO

I am in awe of your strength and your growth.

 

[bby31288]

I'm sorry you didn't get to see your son. Hugs to you.

 

[AmericanGirl]

PV, I am stunned at how well you are coping with everything. It is a testament to your strength. Glad you and your husband are on the same page. Really really glad that your son is clean, talking to you regularly and safe. I think him starting to open up and tell you the truth is a wonderful sign.

I think the roller coaster of emotions is normal under these circumstances. Glad to hear you have a local FA group.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Nancy]

PV I always felt like I did the worrying for both my husband and me too. Not that he didn't worry but I would lie awake in bed and he would be snoring away. I understand your seesaw of emotions, it must be very difficult to think about your difficult child in jail. I'm glad he is safe and not in danger there. It's great that you are both going to FA meetings. Getting an attorney for your son is wise, it's just the smart thing to do, everyone needs a lawyer when in that position.

Hugs to you and hope you get to see your difficult child soon,
Nancy

 

[buddy]

Must have been a tough day but you sound really good. Hoping this is difficult child's "bottom" and he can turn things around. HUGS

 

[pinevalley]

Nancy: It's so funny that you said you used to lie awake at night worrying while your husband was snoring. That is exactly what happens with my h and I! I have a hard time sleeping because I start thinking about my difficult child in a jail cell and I lie awake worrying. I know my h is worried about difficult child, but he sure has no trouble sleeping.

I wish I could be sure that my difficult child would never do drugs again, but we have no way of knowing what will happen when he is out of jail. That is the hardest to deal with for me - the not knowing. We don't know when or if difficult child will be out of jail, and I have Ro wait for him to call us because we can't call him.

I have told several neighbors that difficult child is in a drug program, but I do not mention that the program is in jail. I have a hard time even talking about jail, and I only told all the sordid details about his arrest to my best friends. It also helps to post on this board, because I know that everyone here understands how difficult this is. Thanks for listening.

 

[wantpeace]

I'm sorry you didn't get to see your difficult child. Maybe it was for the best though. When I saw my difficult child handcuffed in court after spending 10 days in jail it broke my heart and I immediately posted bond. As soon as he was released he told me I shouldn't have gotten him out because he was safe from drugs in there and was doing well. He was also taking large quantities of cough and cold medications which is so hard on their developing brains and bodies. At least you know he's not using and he's getting help. I'm also glad that your husband is supportive. My ex is out of the picture and my family lives far away. It's not an easy thing to talk about even with close friends, so I'm grateful for this board.

Hugs,
wantpeace

 

[exhausted]

PV, you are doing really well. I too am sorry you didn't see him, I know how that is kust reasuring. I know the feelings and the roller coaster you are on. I too find comfort at FA. My husband kind of kept feelings tucked in and was handling things really differently than I would have exspected. He is now where I was over a year ago. It has taken him longer to grieve the loss of the daughter we though we had. It had taken him longer to understand her issues and drug use. He too has been hard at times saying that he doesn't believe she will ever gte better and she deserves to be homeless or in jail. Recently he has finially gotten angry. He has mentioned he wants counseling to deal with things. He has not been able to attend FA as he works nights. When we were in counseling the previous 3 years, it was mostly around difficult child and a little time to talk through our feelings and needs. I think many men need longer to really "feel" things. I too do most of the worrying until recently. It seems to be sinking in and it is hard for me to deal with his "belated" feelings. I think everyone copes differently and this can be hard on relationships. husband and I have to work on this every day. Take care of yourself and husband. A big hug to you.

 

[toughlovin]

PV.... Hugs to you. You are a strong and loving mother. I think it is really hard to have a son in jail and I am sorry you did not get to see him.... although watching a son being taken away in shackles is hard too. Will you be able to go visit him in jail? I hope so.

I do all the worrying for my husband and I. We are on the same page but he doesn't stew over things around difficult child like I do.

Hopefully this will give your son some clean time to think about his life and where it is going.

TL

 

[pinevalley]

TL: There are visiting hours one day a week at the jail, but my h and I have not visited difficult child in jail yet. When difficult child was first in jail he was very angry (at everyone except himself), and my h and I refused to visit him and listen to him rant and rave at us. difficult child has calmed down now and he has accepted that he has no control over his situation, but even in jail he is asking me for favors. He is now asking me to buy a calling card for a friend of his so that difficult child can call her from jail. I don't want to give him access to call this friend, so my h and I have decided not to visit him in jail at this time. I think that it is easier to talk to difficult child over the phone than talking to him through a glass partition during visiting hours.

Our difficult child has another court date in two weeks, and I will be at court so at least I can see him at that time. It seems strange not to see difficult child at all now, when he was part of our lives for the past 18 years. But I must admit that my h and I are enjoying the peace and quiet in our house right now. I finally don't have to worry about getting a call from the police at 3am, and I don't have to sleep with our keys under my pillow.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Pinevalley,

I know your heart must hurt so much at times but you do sound like you are handling things well.
I too worry and wonder what my young difficult child will do when he gets out of prison in a yr or so (sooner if he gets paroled early).
Husband always trys to remind me that we are not in charge of results. It is up to them to lay the drugs/alcohol down and start living a sober life. All we can do is "sit in the stands" and watch ya know??? Spectators of their lives. They have got to come to the conclusions we want so much for them to have.

Just thinking of you this morning and hoping brighter/better days are ahead for your family.
Hugs,
LMS

 

[gottaloveem]

I'm glad your son is in a drug program. For him to say if he wasn't there he would be dead, gives you a clue how deep his drug use became.

It's good that you do get to talk to him on the phone, it sounds like you are seeing bits and pieces of the nice young man you raised. I also think it's good you do not visit him in person.

I'm keeping all my body parts crossed that your son gets it this time and you never have to walk down this road again.

(((HUGS)))

Love,
Lia