difficult child willing to explore options

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Oct 9, 2011.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child came over today for a short visit and we questioned her on what was going on. She admitted that she thought she could handle this and doesn't think she can and is thinking about adoption. She made an online appointment while here to talk to planned parenthood about options and we gave her the name of the adoption agency we used for her so she can explore that also. We asked about the boyfriend and she said she did not want to move in with him and would probably be moving in with a friend. Whew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course this friend is probably some new guy but I don;t know how it could be worse than the other one who has been in jail more than out in the past several years.

    We sighed a big sigh of relief and told her we were glad she was exploring options. She still has not received any medical care and has an appointment on Oct. 20 to get rated for free medical at the hospital that accepts no pay patients.

    I am crossing my fingers that her appoinment with planned parenthood gives her some clarity, but at least I'm happy that she is beginning to realize she is in no position to take care of a baby.

  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you can exhale a little bit. Hugs. DDD
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    That's really good news and good news should always be celebrated!
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    wow! good for you, good for her, good for baby!!! Hope the trend continues upward...
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    So happy to hear she's seeing the light!
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's wonderful news, Nancy. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she follows through.

  7. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member


    progress. Wow. Is she familiar with open adoption? That might make her feel more comfortable about the adoption option.

    I hope the docs give her some counseling on the dangers of fetal alcohol.

    Seems like all hope is not lost, she has learned something all these years or in recovery, no doubt it will still be a very long journey though.

    HUGS to you.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes she is very familiar with open adoption. As far as I know she has been sober. I wish I could get inside her head, she has to be processing something since she spent the last twenty years punishing us for adopting her and wishing her birthmother parented her. Perhaps there is some deeper level of understanding going on. And then again it may just be that she doesn't want to give up the fun life.

  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I am glad she is looking at her options. I am sure being pregnant like this is bringing up adoption issues in a whole new way. I suspect that kids who were adoption might have a harder time than others considering abortion...and might more easily consider adoption as an option. I mean although they may have feelings around adoption they also know first hand that they came into their family by adoption.

    I know in conversations with both my kids they both have a hard time with the idea of abortion ( even though i am pro choice) but would consider adoptiion as an option if they were in that situation.

    I think many people in that situation dont think about adoption as an option.

    I do hope that this pregnancy is helping her stay sober.

  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Whew. Thank goodness she's at least going to think about what she's going to do and explore options before coming to a decision.

    Nancy she may be struggling with the fact she resented (insert all sorts of other emotions here too) her bio mom for not raising her, but now is seeing things from bio mom's perspective......and is having to rethink some of those strong feelings she's had all these years.......while also trying to make the best decision for her and this baby.

    I hope she makes the best choice for both her and the baby, whatever that may be.

  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I too hope she makes the best choice for her and the baby. Maybe she should watch a few, if not more than a few, episodes of Teen Mom on MTV. Even though she isnt exactly still a teen some of these girls are not far from her age anymore. The issues they have are the same she will have. One of them gave their baby up for adoption in an open adoption.
  12. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Repeating history is always sad, in a sense. I think we do it in an unconscious attempt, sometimes, to understand what has happened to us. I will refrain from saying what I may feel about the situation other than to say that it really is a mistake to think that things come without consequence, can occur without trace. Adoption is, to me, a nobler and healthier path than abortion; it still involves a woman giving up her own child which, whatever the rational and practical circumstances, is on the emotional level simply a very hard and painful thing for a woman to do. There is a grief, a path that goes with that, perhaps subsequent regret. I would simply urge that your daughter really take every opportunity to explore this thoroughly and to take as informed a decision as possible. As what we are terming a difficult child, she is perhaps not in the habit of doing that, I understand. I imagine that there are people involved in the adoption process who help in this also. I pray that your daughter will find peace and stability.
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Thank goodness she is at least putting thought into this!! My neice has two small children and lives in someone's basement. I tried telling her she had no business having children, yet, but she didn't listen to anyone. Now those babies suffer everyday for their mother's poor choices....:(
  14. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    GOOD to hear that she is exploring her options. Hard to say, but maybe she has intense oppositional moments??????
    Good thoughts for good health, hope and peace.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am very sure this is an incredibly confusing, overwhelming and challenging time for her. Not only does she have a child to think of on top of her sobriety, she also has all the issues from her own adoption. I hope and pray that whatever she does is truly in the best interest of the child.

    Has she gone to social services to sign up for WIC, and also to the county health dept to find out what services they offer? She should be getting WIC right away, as in NOW, because it will provide food and nutrition education and some other things. The county health dept will probably have some services and she can get some types of help there. It varies by state and county, but here they will provide the most basic of OB services to women who have no other options and they will do any vaccines she may need (except the flu, not sure if they do that one) and they will also provide prenatal vitamins. Not sure all of them do, but it can't hurt to go ask.

    I truly hope this helps her to come to terms with her own adoption and she is able to move forward.

  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes she has applied for food stamps and free health care. She has an appointment Oct 20 to get rated and hopefully be seen by a doctor shortly after. She has had no prenatal care or vitamins. We have preached that she cannot wait and must see someone soon. Hopefully if she does get an appointment at planned parenthood tomorrow they can help get her in sooner. She has had NO morning sickness at all.

    Saturday night she went to a haunted house with several AA friends. Posted several pictures on fb of what a good time she was having being choked by an monster character. She told us she is driving to visit her girlfriend next weekend which is about 150 miles away. Instead of taking care of herself and practicing good health habits she is out having a good time.I think this is part why she is deciding she can't handle a baby. Hopefully she is beginning to see she is nowhere prepared for this.

    I do hope this will help her come to terms with her own adoption. The situations are strikingly similar. What do they say about repeating the sins.....

  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Did she give any indication that she knows the impact of bad choices on the baby? It would be nice if she could reign herself in for awhile. How to heck can she afford to make the trip? Geez. DDD
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    My heart goes out to you and your family in a major way. Prayers have been and are being said.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 11, 2011
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nomad I appreciate your concern but this is up to her. We can only suggest things to her but if she senses at all that we are trying to control her or her decision she will do the opposite. If we bought her vitamins (which I don't even know if you can without a prescription but even if we did she should be under doctors care) she wouldn't take them. Just like she didn't take her birth control or her antibiotic when she needed it or her mood medications. She needs to have a doctor tell her this and do it on her own or she won't own it.

    She is doing what she thinks is good for the baby. She is not drinking or using drugs and she stopped smoking. Beyond that I'm not sure she is capable of much more.

    You bring up a good point about the socio/medical history on adoption. We too were not told much of the background. We got the standard forms which did not give much information and we too have spent years trying to recover from those decisions. I am honestly afraid of the background for this child. The birth father has a very long history of drug abuse and criminal behavior. So does his father. Together with difficult child's history I feel very sorry for any family that would adopt this child. I've said before there are some people who should never have children. If difficult child ends up going through the agency she came from I would of course give my input. husband and I are trying to stay as removed as we can to give difficult child the chance to step up and make the deicsions she needs to. We have learned from experience that our interference only makes it worse. I also don't want difficult child to think we are going to bail her out. Right now she feels comfortable interacting with us in a respectful and friendly manner and we are trying to impress upon her that we are here for advice if she chooses but we are not here to help her make this OK.

  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    [QUOTE= We have learned from experience that our interference only makes it worse. I also don't want difficult child to think we are going to bail her out. Right now she feels comfortable interacting with us in a respectful and friendly manner and we are trying to impress upon her that we are here for advice if she chooses but we are not here to help her make this OK."

    Glad to read that as far as you can tell, she has stopped using.
    And, I certainly see your point (above quote). You are so strong.
    I was thinking about prenatal vitamins the doctor would prescribe or recommend...but with the financial assistance it looks like she might be getting, she should be able to get those (and like you say, best that you don't get involved).
    She has shown incredible oppositionality and detachment is a win/win.
    Good to hear that she is being respectful and friendly toward you.
    We've insisted on this with our difficult child and it has been a big positive all around.
    I'm glad you are looking (if she goes this route) at being open with the adoption agency.
    Lasted edited by : Oct 10, 2011