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difficult child won't take medications amid family death
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 21737" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I'm with the others on this. You need your time to not only grieve but help organise things. difficult child needs his time too and doesn't know how to cope.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this will work for you, it really does depend on how capable he is of empathy. But it may be worth a try:</p><p></p><p>Sit with him and find out how he's feeling. No judgements, no criticism, no list of chores. Just a talk. Maybe both of you go for a walk and talk about how you both feel about this. BUT include in your talk an explanation to him of all the things that you now have to do, as a result of this. Family members ringing up, all upset over how to arrange things when there's a lot of paperwork to sort out. having to organise the funeral, because even if difficult child doesn't want to think about it or has his own ideas, other family members have to be considered, too. difficult child was only a grandson. His children need to be given the chance to mourn their father. Tell your son you're writing the eulogy, ask him if there's anything he'd like you to include, something he would like people to remember about his grandfather. </p><p></p><p>You both have things to deal with. Encourage him to tell you about his own issued and you tell him about yours. </p><p></p><p>Then you finish with an understated request - "Could you give me a bit of space if I'm on the phone? I could be talking to one of your uncles and they're pretty upset right now. They're less likely at the moment to understand or appreciate it if I stop talking to them, to deal with something you want that maybe could wait. I'll try to deal with your needs too, but I have a really long list of stuff I have to deal with." And write out your list. Show it to difficult child and then tick off the things on your list as you do them. Add more stuff as you become aware of what you need to do.</p><p></p><p>In doing this, you're still dealing with all the stuff that is still on your plate but you're showing difficult child that the rules aren't just for him. You have rules to follow and huge lists of things to get done.</p><p></p><p>difficult children hate thinking they're being singled out for what they consider to be unfair treatment. Why should they do chores? They didn't make all this mess! And even if they did - well, you provoked him so you should do it. (in their eyes). </p><p>But showing him that all the stuff you have to do isn't because you like it, or because you made the mess so you have to clean it up - you're doing it because you're family and families do this as part of living together. It's a social obligation and we all have those.</p><p></p><p>So include him. Involve him. Stop trying to include him if he pulls away, but go ahead and write up your list then stick it up somewhere obvious FOR YOU, but where he can also see it. Make it clear it's YOUR list, not his. But he can read it if he wants. You're doing the list for YOU to keep track of your tasks (but if he reads it, he may get a better idea of how busy you have to be).</p><p></p><p>This is an especially hard time for you to have to try this, but maybe because it's a hard time for difficult child too, it may make it easier to open doors.</p><p></p><p>And about the medications - if he says his feelings are a mess, point out to him that his medications are to help him cope better. Not taking them will make it harder for him to cope with his feelings because everything else will be more confusing and difficult than usual, and now is not a good time to have to deal with more stuff than he has to. Life isn't fair. Death isn't fair. What would grandfather want him to be doing now? Think about how proud grandfather would be of him, if he can help out with the jobs that must be done right now, and so give dad some time to mourn as he needs to.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad your husband was able to get to his father before he died. I remember when my father in law died - difficult child 3 was about two and a half and we knew we had a problem kid (just didn't know what). As a result, I'd had to stay away from the bedside because we couldn't take difficult child 3 anywhere for very long, without causing problems. An intensive care ward is not the place for two year old tantrums. Nurses would comment on the behaviour of his oddness, which would spark other questions and discussion about his problems which family denial put down to my bad parenting (because the thought of a damaged child was anathema, especially with everyone so stressed).</p><p>Then when father in law died I had to pitch in and help, but still keep difficult child 3 under control. It was very hard to give difficult child 3 the normal amount of attention he needed, let alone the extra as a result of losing his grandfather. And my feelings? I had to deal with those in there somewhere as well.</p><p></p><p>It's extra hard when you have a difficult child and also when family expect you to be the strong one, because he wasn't YOUR father.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. Grit your teeth and take plenty of walks with difficult child, if you can persuade him to. But involve him. it will make it easier on him (and therefore you) later on, if he gets a better chance to grieve now.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 21737, member: 1991"] I'm with the others on this. You need your time to not only grieve but help organise things. difficult child needs his time too and doesn't know how to cope. I don't know if this will work for you, it really does depend on how capable he is of empathy. But it may be worth a try: Sit with him and find out how he's feeling. No judgements, no criticism, no list of chores. Just a talk. Maybe both of you go for a walk and talk about how you both feel about this. BUT include in your talk an explanation to him of all the things that you now have to do, as a result of this. Family members ringing up, all upset over how to arrange things when there's a lot of paperwork to sort out. having to organise the funeral, because even if difficult child doesn't want to think about it or has his own ideas, other family members have to be considered, too. difficult child was only a grandson. His children need to be given the chance to mourn their father. Tell your son you're writing the eulogy, ask him if there's anything he'd like you to include, something he would like people to remember about his grandfather. You both have things to deal with. Encourage him to tell you about his own issued and you tell him about yours. Then you finish with an understated request - "Could you give me a bit of space if I'm on the phone? I could be talking to one of your uncles and they're pretty upset right now. They're less likely at the moment to understand or appreciate it if I stop talking to them, to deal with something you want that maybe could wait. I'll try to deal with your needs too, but I have a really long list of stuff I have to deal with." And write out your list. Show it to difficult child and then tick off the things on your list as you do them. Add more stuff as you become aware of what you need to do. In doing this, you're still dealing with all the stuff that is still on your plate but you're showing difficult child that the rules aren't just for him. You have rules to follow and huge lists of things to get done. difficult children hate thinking they're being singled out for what they consider to be unfair treatment. Why should they do chores? They didn't make all this mess! And even if they did - well, you provoked him so you should do it. (in their eyes). But showing him that all the stuff you have to do isn't because you like it, or because you made the mess so you have to clean it up - you're doing it because you're family and families do this as part of living together. It's a social obligation and we all have those. So include him. Involve him. Stop trying to include him if he pulls away, but go ahead and write up your list then stick it up somewhere obvious FOR YOU, but where he can also see it. Make it clear it's YOUR list, not his. But he can read it if he wants. You're doing the list for YOU to keep track of your tasks (but if he reads it, he may get a better idea of how busy you have to be). This is an especially hard time for you to have to try this, but maybe because it's a hard time for difficult child too, it may make it easier to open doors. And about the medications - if he says his feelings are a mess, point out to him that his medications are to help him cope better. Not taking them will make it harder for him to cope with his feelings because everything else will be more confusing and difficult than usual, and now is not a good time to have to deal with more stuff than he has to. Life isn't fair. Death isn't fair. What would grandfather want him to be doing now? Think about how proud grandfather would be of him, if he can help out with the jobs that must be done right now, and so give dad some time to mourn as he needs to. I'm sorry for your loss. I'm glad your husband was able to get to his father before he died. I remember when my father in law died - difficult child 3 was about two and a half and we knew we had a problem kid (just didn't know what). As a result, I'd had to stay away from the bedside because we couldn't take difficult child 3 anywhere for very long, without causing problems. An intensive care ward is not the place for two year old tantrums. Nurses would comment on the behaviour of his oddness, which would spark other questions and discussion about his problems which family denial put down to my bad parenting (because the thought of a damaged child was anathema, especially with everyone so stressed). Then when father in law died I had to pitch in and help, but still keep difficult child 3 under control. It was very hard to give difficult child 3 the normal amount of attention he needed, let alone the extra as a result of losing his grandfather. And my feelings? I had to deal with those in there somewhere as well. It's extra hard when you have a difficult child and also when family expect you to be the strong one, because he wasn't YOUR father. Hang in there. Grit your teeth and take plenty of walks with difficult child, if you can persuade him to. But involve him. it will make it easier on him (and therefore you) later on, if he gets a better chance to grieve now. Marg [/QUOTE]
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