difficult child's anxiety's growing, any ideas?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 3, 2009.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    good morning,

    So, as I suspected difficult child's anxiety is growing by the minute over me working. She started on it last night before bed, her concerns, her worries, etc. She was happy to hear that I would be home to get her 3 days out of the 5 after work, hence the babysitter quitting.

    Yet her big issue now seems to be her and being home with boyfriend and his kids. We are always together the 7 of us on the days the kids are here, she has gotten used to the routine of it. I give all the kids snack apples, etc. we divide up and conquer on hw boyfriend and i with the 3 little ones. She's nervous about him bringing her in the a.m. to school. She still has issues with going in on certain days and going thru the regular side door so she has to go in the front door.

    She's nervous about being home with all of them and not me, I feel bad. easy child wont' be home she still is in track by the way I dunno' how with all her carp. So, she asked won't easy child be home with me and them? I said no. Shes very upset about this and uncomfortable. We did do this last year yet easy child was home, no track.

    I didn't really know what to say to her to be honest. I said well it'll be fine, it'll take a few days to get used to it but you'll be ok. Yet she's nervous about it and is uncomfortable about it. Our dynamic just the 4 of us, not including his isn't too strong yet only because he isn't home that much and mostly the days he's here his kids are as well.

    So, I tried saying well I'll get up on Monday and I"ll make breakfast for you and him before I go, etc. Nothing's working. I just feel bad that she's feeling this way about it all.

    So, should I tell this new job I can't stay on anyday after 3 and just be there for her? I should I make her deal?? I'm a little confused on this one right now. I hate the thought of her being uncomfortable in her own home.
  2. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    does she not like boyfriend? was there an incident with- his kids? Wondering why she's not so comfortable when it sounds like ya'll be together for a while. Is it possible for you and boyfriend to sit with- her together and see if she'll open up? Yeah, long shot there but hey, it's a shot.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    She likes him, so that's ok. Yes there was an incident with boyfriend's older daughter going mos. back long story where her and difficult child got into a pretty bad argument. It hasn't happened since and there has been no indication that it would again. Yet, difficult child tends to be that way anyway around anyone but me.

    I asked if that was the concern she said no, she's just not comfortable. Which makes sense I guess shes never been home with just him and his kids. It's always been easy child or me with them as well.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Jen - I agree with you - it is not about who is there, it is about who is not there. I suppose easy child was home that first day you were gone and boyfriend helped out?

    I agree with Nancy that you and boyfriend should sit down together with difficult child to discuss all the details. She may be anxious that boyfriend may not know or forget something important (like snacks or where she should put her backpack, ect). Everyone lives by different rules and if boyfriend does not know something you allow that he usually may not, that would be stressful.

    Maybe do a "dry run" with just boyfriend and difficult child walking through getting to school and coming home while you "shadow". Then maybe sit down with all the kids to discuss how things will go until you get home.

    Give difficult child a notebook. Explain that she should write down whatever doesn't feel like it is working and when you get home you will help her address those issues. Remind her that it is only for two hours and she will be busy with snacks and homework making the time go quicker. Maybe she can set the table and be in charge of the centerpiece each night?

    Let her know that things don't always go as planned but that she and boyfriend are smart - they can both figure out what to do. They can be a team.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    andy thanks I wish i could do a dry run yet there's no time. he works all day today and tmrw. so there wont' even be time for the 3 of us to sit and talk except monday morning quick.

    I like the idea of giving her a job to do thing, tha'Tourette's Syndrome kinda cool. Plus i'll get her all ready to go, make the breakfast, pack up lunch and back pack. She'll just have down time until it's time to go, i was going to tell her she could play with her ds. yet i have to find something for the two fo them to do in the a.m. to have her security grow in him and the fact he'll take care of her ok. is a xbox game in the a.m. a bad idea??? just throwing stuff around in my head. I don't want her in the nurses' office all day anxiety ridden on monday.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    This is a lot like manster. I even posted not too long ago about how difficult it is for him going along the opposite side of the building now that he is an "upper classman" in 4th grade. He's slowly getting better. But K-3 was a long time to get used to a routine. It's transitions. I like the idea of a dry run, that's a great idea. I just think it's going to hurt for a little while but once she develops new coping skills the new way will become habit. Just hang in there and keep telling her how proud you are that she is becoming so independent. That word seems to code for us now when manster is uncomfortable doing something and I'm forcing the issue: Independence. Thinking of you and feeling certain it's all going to go better than expected and that the anticipation is worse than the actual event. Hugs.
  7. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I would be careful about the activity you choose for the morning. You don't want the issue of her being in the middle of something when it is actually time to go. How well does she transition? Would she stop what she is doing or does she have to be done first before going on to the next thing?

    Are there any kids shows that end just as they need to leave? "When the show is over, it is time to go." or maybe time it to put a 1/2 hr kids show in the DVD player.

    Maybe just free play with dressing her dolls?

    Another idea for the day, put a note in her lunch bag for her to find.
  8. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    OMG Jennifer, I feel for you.
    I have had so many offers to go back to work and each time it gets ruined
    Please make sure you do go....its not right for you not to be able to do this and you need to earn the money

    I feel she will settle down but do go and give it a chance....ya know I feel so unfulfilled not having a job and its always the topic of conversation with friend s,family and even my 21yr old easy child as to why I dont get off my a..e and go to work...it is oul destroying as they just dont understand

    Last time I got an offer handed to me on a plate difficult child got his second episode almost on the button and that was the end of that. I even felt so stupid trying to explian that I had this adult son with problems I needed to keep a handle on and couldnt get caught up with something I was probably not going to be unable to honour.

    You are a young woman.....go for it girl and I am thinking bout you XXXX
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Wish I had "the answer" for you. From past experience, however, I would not introduce video games before school. It always caused problems in my family.

    It "might" be helpful to leave her a note or a card in her room for after school. Nothing special but a way to show that you have been thinking of her and she can feel "your presence". Maybe, for example, "Hi, Angel. It won't be long before I get home and we can share about our day. Sure hope you have lots of nice things to tell me as we get ready for dinner. I am looking forward to telling you about my exciting day too. Love, Mommy"

    Having something to look forward to "may" make it easier to transition into the house from school. Having something to touch "may" make her feel connected. Having the reassurance that you are eager to hear about her day AND share about your day (Lordy, lol, I hope something fun happens to you.) "may" add a new togetherness dimention.

    Fingers crossed. Good thoughts coming your way. DDD
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Can you think of something- or ask her for ideas- that she and boyfriend can do together that can be something she'd enjoying doing with him that can become special time for them- that she might come to look forward to?

    If not, what if you get things ready and get her up just before you leave and let them eat breakfast together- so they have that time to talk and get more used to each other and she has less down time in the am?

    I'm trying to think of ways to help her work thru the anxiety, rather than ways to minimize the anxiety problem- but I'm not sure if it will work.

    If there's anything at all though that the two of them could enjoy doing together that isn't really your cup of tea and difficult child knows it, I think that would be a good route. I don't think I's do xbox before school though- at least with my difficult child.
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi thanks for all the ideas and thougths I really do appreciate it. I was silly to think this would happen easily to any extent. I"m really fencing it again right now. difficult child and easy child are the most important things to me. I have to be totally honest if this wasnt' a financial issue i simply would not take the job, i'd continue with the guardianship work and see where she's at in another year.

    Is it too soon for a child with whom was in crisis mode only 10 mos. ago, am I pushing too hard right now? I"m ok with putting my wants on hold for now, I really am. I'm molding a little special needs person here. Yet it's really hard to decifer what is ok to push at times and what isnt'. With easy child i'd be like ok you'll be fine adn she'd rise to the occassion she always does.

    the video game thing I do not like the idea of at all either, it's just that's their little way of bonding. He loves it she loves it and they enjoy it together. I spoke to her at length just now we went for a bagel when we dropped easy child off at her track meet.

    Her concerns are she's afraid, she feels alone without me or easy child here. They aren't my "real" family. If you two were married it may feel more real. ugh that made me feel bad. But we can't go to the courthouse tomorrow to get difficult child on board lol. I really like when all of the kids come, yet you here makes me feel ok. I like my apples cut up, you helping me with my hw, you being here. When you walk me into the door at school i feel secure to start my day, i feel secure with my teacher now.

    I said it'll be ok, you two wil make it thru and figure it out together. She started crying and said mommy i know you want this job and i know it'll help us to have more money but i'm not ready yet for this mom i'm really not. it's not time yet. she's like an adult the way she talks. I've spent so much time with her this week sledding, video game place, movies today inbetween chores i have.

    I'm confused. any scenario i'm throwing out isn't working at this point. boyfriend is nervous also to be quite honest. we both know where she was and that was such a dark place. I do not want to do anything to put her back there again. i'm sorry if i'm being over dramatic here. it's just a rough one for me, i knew it would be.

    it reminds me of when she was in pre k and first grade and i worked ft. she'd tell me stories of how she'd be alone in the playground, with an aide etc. how she felt etc. i just kept pushing i didn't know i thought she was a easy child. who knew?? then it took a few years of her unsettling behaviors and awkardness and anxiety and collecting garbage throwing dogs than it all completed with hallucinations and cops and dogs at her school than i knew something was wrong. so i dont' want to push too hard.

    how do you know when to push and when not to??? it's a hard fine line there. i could go she could cope, i could go she could wind up in nurses office and feeling uncomfortable. it's going to be very difficult to walk out monday a.m. with a clear head and watching her miserable face and problem crying to boot.

    alright i've rambled enough. sorry i'm venting and rambling at the same time.
  12. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    So sorry that this is so difficult for you Jennifer.

    I know she needs to be able to cope without you and I am sorry If I seem mean by trying to persuade you to go its just years have passed on me and I am still sitting here and probably will never get out and I hope it doesnt happen to you,,,,,,we all need a life but she is still very young.
    Hope whatever you do works out well,

    You just hit on a hard place for me.
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Lizzie dont' be silly i take no offense i appreciate your vigor and excitement and go go go attitude I do believe me. I totally get what you mean as far as feeling contained by our responsibilities to our children. It's not easy for us it really isn't. Yet i'm a firm believer that we all learn so much from them and their struggles. It helps us to be better ppl and more patient. Yet the juggling financial solvency and their growing needs can be disheartening on multiple levels.

    So, when did you stop working?? Have you tried to go back and it hasnt' worked out??
  14. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    Hello Jen

    I had my four sons within 7 years so for a long time it was a full time job.
    I did go back to my old job between the birth of my first son difficult child and the second boy who was born 13mths after first. 1986/1987
    My father who had been living alone and was quite elderly at that stage came to live with us and whilst he was a gentleman it caused tension with husband and I. This made added difficulties to my situation and then 2yrs later 3rd son came along and we are back to square one again with my fathers health going slowly down hill
    My dad dies in 1991 and I had son no 4 in 1993. 7 yrs gap between him and difficult child.
    By the time I got No 4 tp school all kinds of mini difficulties were emerging with difficult child and then his diagnosis (PWS) came up when he was 11 so that was quite scary in its own right as It was difficult to get a placement for him at 2nd level because this was such an odd syndrome (and still is) as he didnt fit into the normal school but wasnt really bad enough for Sp ed. We opted for a special school then behavioural issues emerged and I was always getting calls from the school leaving me a nervoous wreck when the phone rang. There was also tough kids in the school and bullying was an issue too.
    Now hes 22 and youngest is 15 and should be somewhat self sufficient but this BiPolar (BP) thing has been diagnosed and I am too new to it to do anythin g yet This medication thing as you know is not easy to take onboard. Need to keep follow up Apts etc
    I got a great offer of a job last year almost minutes before 2nd last episode began.....my neighbour recommended me but I had to say no,,,
    I just seem to be disappearing into the difficulties and whilst I always loved minding them all years ago I now know my job has changed here but I cant seem to get out!!!!! As I have also said so many people are commenting on my apparant lazziness whilst not bothering to ask whats going on here.
    As so many years have gone by (22 ,,now Jen THATS SCARY!) i have little confidence

    Schools and day centres coping with our kids will never tell you to to do something for yourself as they like you on call also.
    Thinking about you for tomoorrow and fingers crossed that you will manage somewhat happily to give it a bash Many HUGS!
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing. That in itself is stressful ontop of all those kids and presure on a marriage. Having special needs kids does put alot of pressure on the household i've come to learn. It's not easy, and it takes alot of resiliency i'm also learning lol.

    So, the youngest is 15 now, and is he on medications, i didn't look at signature. medications can be difficult, just make sure you research on your own also. As I have come to learn since being here for a year now you have to do alot of digging yourself, sometimes the doctor's give you all the info good and bad, sometimes they don't. For instance smallworld just taught me yesterday 2 things by reading her responses, that MRI's can be used to detect mood disorders to some extent, lesions etc. and that also blood work for seroquel is quite necessary. Now, I've asked my doctor two times do we need to get blood work done chk glucose levels, etc. he said na she's fine. Than her tic's na she's fine.

    See what I mean?Not to be overdramatic but i have to come to accept the tics she's now had because i didn't pull medication due to them she may have for a lifetime she may not. I will learn more once i go to neuro guy and also the frequent drinking and urinating as of late her blood needs to get checked also.

    Those are important things and major ball dropping on his part. It's like you have to almost play the check and balance thing with the doctor's to make sure "they" aren't forgetting anything. One thing though you do learn a whole lot.

    So, it sounds like if you get him on the right road it may just be time for you to pursue whatever dreams or goals you have now. Even if you start small.

    I've already spoken to my friend with whom is a psychiatric at the new job i told her what's going on with difficult child, she said well it's getting more complicated now, what's to be will be, they should be understanding yet we shall see. I said yes we will. I can't let her go down the tubes for me to return to work, yet I also cna't let her manipulate. My daughter has several diagnosis's as many of our difficult child's do. Yet my daughter although her mental illness is majority of what we battle she can also be a bit manipulative. That may sound bad, yet she is who she is.

    So, I have to decifer if thsi is her just wanting to keep me home due to that, or if this is truly her anxiety kicking up. I believe it to be a mix at this point. I am going to go tmrw I decided. One day isn't going to send her back to where she was last year I strongly believe. I will have teacher monitor, nurse on alert and we'll track the day. She has not been to the nurses office in 2 mos since she started seroquel. So, if her day tmrw is her being withdrawn, anxiety ridden, not eating, shutting down mode again than tmrw night i'll have some decisions to make. Yet I figured the fair appraoch is to leave her tmrw and see how she fairs to truly test it. I will feel quite bad leaving her and my anxiety once in my truck alone will probably rise like it did when i used to work yet I have to see what she is capable of now.

    wow that was long, sorry lol.
  16. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    Glad to hear you are going to give job a try tomorrow.
    They can be manipulative probably because they feel safer with us than anyone else.

    My first son is the difficult child 22yrs old.

    All the other three have no issues and are lucky to be pursuing rewarding careers and opportunites. The 22 yr old is the only one to be on medication which was prescribed for possible BiPolar (BP) in November. He has Prader Willi Syndrome

    I tried to add the recent diagnosis (BiPolar (BP)) to signature but I have no success I have gone to edit sig and done changes and saved but it goes back to the way it was when I post.

    Sending you lots of luck and best wishes for tomorrow.
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ask the mod's about that. i had issues also a while ago and i had something checked teh wrong way on my thingy.

    thanks for the good wishes. we shall see. only fair to go one day and see how it affects her before canning it. plus job may not want me now as well, have to meet with them in the a.m. it'll be what it'll be :)