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difficult child's birthday
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625629" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am coming in a day late and a dollar short. I believe posting back exactly as you did was the right thing. Actually, the first example, in which your response was a little sharper, was the best one. </p><p></p><p>To me, any legitimate opportunity to interact with our troubled kids should be taken and used to its utmost. Keeping our intentions for that child uppermost in our minds and hearts, we should, in my way of looking at things: </p><p></p><p>1) Teach them our newly evolved positions on parenting. We aren't trying to be cruel to the kids, or to punish them. We do want the kids to change. We do want them to do better. We do want them to know we love them, but we want to present them with a different vision of what that means.</p><p></p><p>We want the kids to develop real respect for themselves, and for us.</p><p></p><p>In a perfect world, that is what we want.</p><p></p><p>If there are other things that you would want to happen for your child, then I say, add that to the picture of what you are working for here with every. single. interaction. you have with your child.</p><p></p><p>It is never wrong to love someone. It is never wrong to tell them we do love them, that we do see value and potential and strength in them. What we need to do is to learn how to see the difference between loving them and enabling them.</p><p></p><p>Enabling has not helped my kids. I wish I had learned about detachment sooner. But I had to get it that enabling was harming the kids before I could even look at the concept of detachment. </p><p></p><p>I want to step far enough away from my child to make room for him to grow into himself. </p><p></p><p>Whatever that looks like to him or her.</p><p></p><p>I want them to grow up, to mature, to take charge of their own lives. I would like it if they respected me. That is not mandatory. If the day ever comes when I hear respect for me in the voices of my children, I will know they are healed and are whole, again.</p><p></p><p>I think you responded correctly.</p><p></p><p>It is interesting to note the guilt your son's ex threw all over you. Interesting to note the dynamic, I mean. How much more welcome would it have been for you to have received an honest, open, truthful communication from her? Whatever it said, I mean. </p><p></p><p>She was so pointlessly hurtful and disrespectful.</p><p></p><p>I would have added something like that to my response.</p><p></p><p>Something about how hurtful it is, about how sad it made you, to read something so blatantly manipulative from someone you loved.</p><p></p><p>I might add that part, now.</p><p></p><p>It is a strange thing how, when we start telling the truth, others have to follow suit.</p><p></p><p>You did really well, Stress.</p><p></p><p>It isn't easy.</p><p></p><p>It is such an important thing, and it is never easy to know how to respond.</p><p></p><p>We love them too much.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625629, member: 17461"] I am coming in a day late and a dollar short. I believe posting back exactly as you did was the right thing. Actually, the first example, in which your response was a little sharper, was the best one. To me, any legitimate opportunity to interact with our troubled kids should be taken and used to its utmost. Keeping our intentions for that child uppermost in our minds and hearts, we should, in my way of looking at things: 1) Teach them our newly evolved positions on parenting. We aren't trying to be cruel to the kids, or to punish them. We do want the kids to change. We do want them to do better. We do want them to know we love them, but we want to present them with a different vision of what that means. We want the kids to develop real respect for themselves, and for us. In a perfect world, that is what we want. If there are other things that you would want to happen for your child, then I say, add that to the picture of what you are working for here with every. single. interaction. you have with your child. It is never wrong to love someone. It is never wrong to tell them we do love them, that we do see value and potential and strength in them. What we need to do is to learn how to see the difference between loving them and enabling them. Enabling has not helped my kids. I wish I had learned about detachment sooner. But I had to get it that enabling was harming the kids before I could even look at the concept of detachment. I want to step far enough away from my child to make room for him to grow into himself. Whatever that looks like to him or her. I want them to grow up, to mature, to take charge of their own lives. I would like it if they respected me. That is not mandatory. If the day ever comes when I hear respect for me in the voices of my children, I will know they are healed and are whole, again. I think you responded correctly. It is interesting to note the guilt your son's ex threw all over you. Interesting to note the dynamic, I mean. How much more welcome would it have been for you to have received an honest, open, truthful communication from her? Whatever it said, I mean. She was so pointlessly hurtful and disrespectful. I would have added something like that to my response. Something about how hurtful it is, about how sad it made you, to read something so blatantly manipulative from someone you loved. I might add that part, now. It is a strange thing how, when we start telling the truth, others have to follow suit. You did really well, Stress. It isn't easy. It is such an important thing, and it is never easy to know how to respond. We love them too much. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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