difficult child's brand new life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Jul 26, 2013.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    difficult child opted for an adventure for his next season. New team, new league, new country, he doesn't know anyone there beforehand. Small city, but less than hour away from major city and about hour from a large metropolis. Reputation of positional coach is good, difficult child should have a fair chance to get to play a lot, pay is little better than in his last team and cost of living much lower (for example his rent, okay, team subsided but still, only a bit over 200 dollars a month, sharing a two bedroom, living room, kitchen and one bath flat with other youngster, rent includes heating, electricity, water and internet. It's also pre-furnished, even tv, coffee maker, linen, dishes and things like that.) So he will have some money to do fun things and go looking around him.

    A roommate is also a team mate. Another foreign player, from USA, freshly out of college and trying his wings first time in pro sports. We also met the roommate, I don't know what to say. In fact I thought people like that only exsisted in teen tv dramas and movies, even if they tend to play lacrosse in those, not difficult child's sport. Californian, incredibly good looking kid (really like in those shows), very outgoing and friendly, loud and boisterous, _very_ confident, clear alpha male routine going on. We will see how difficult child gets along with him. Better get along well. Not only are they sharing a flat, he is one of the few foreigners of the team and difficult child doesn't speak a local main language and locals' confidence on their English skills tends to be lower than average in Europe.

    We also met positional coach and his English seems quite broken and difficult child doesn't speak a word of his first language. However coach is fluent in other locally spoked language in which difficult child has your basic classroom skills after 6 years of studying it. Almost no specific sport vocabulary but usually when you have some basic level skills in a language beforehand and start to use it, you learn very quickly.

    For difficult child this will be kind of fresh start, chance to concentrate on sports, and of course a crash course on social and peer skills. But he may indeed be up to that. He has made a lot of progress with his mental coach on that and some new friendships he formed last spring seem to carry on even though he is not in that city any more. And some of the rumours may not carry on this far and that would be a blessing. And anyway it will be a short stint so even if things are socially difficult he can take comfort from that.

    His medication seems to be working, he will be able to visit home couple times during the season and that way keep his old psychiatrist, he will have appointment with his old therapist twice a month through skype and he is forced to GA twice a month by his contract, if team doctor or difficult child's psychiatrist won't decide some other type of treatment would be better. difficult child plans mostly to fake his way through that because he doesn't believe in the concept.
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2015
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well I hope being happy for him is a good thing! I will keep him in my prayers.

    I have to laugh at your description of his new American roommate. He sounds like what I would call a California surfer boy. That used to be the type I went for when I was a teen. I hope they form a good friendship. Most of the time we can be nice folks! And you would never believe it but most people today have at least one difficult child in the family tree so kids tend to be more understanding than you would think.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The roommate is just about "stereotypical American". Not all of them are that way... ;)
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I have to say that I was almost speechless when I met a room mate. He really is like American/Californian stereotype and I really thought that was just a stereotype, after all those Americans I know personally don't fit the stereotype at all, but that kid at least presented like that.

    He really was nice and friendly and very social and I mostly worry difficult child may feel overwhelmed by him, feels he is not allowed a downtime he needs, gets scared and prickly or tries to copy this kid and ends up totally out of his depth. I brainstormed/mother henned some ideas how difficult child can make the roommate understand difficult child needs his alone time and quite a lot of it. After all this kid may want some company from difficult child more than difficult child may be able to handle. The kid is really far from home, first time alone, out from home, not in dorm, middle of foreign culture, not understanding a word of local language or even the other common language at the area, in much smaller city than ever before, in the team there only few are likely willing to chat in English. Playing against and with men first time ever. If this kid is not really independent and used to be happy alone, it can be really tough. And even if difficult child wouldn't be his choice for a friend at home, difficult child is there and speaks good English.

    It would likely be easiest for difficult child to be honest and frank about his need of alone time. I'm just afraid that is not something difficult child is capable. So I suggested difficult child finds something extra boring he may do outside of the flat and have his alone time that way. Or claims to be meditating/focusing/centring himself or come up with something vaguely spiritual (Americans tend to be much more respectful and minding when it comes anything spiritual than Europeans.) And make sure to establish the boundaries he can live with from the get-go. And to remember that despite how self-confident the room mate presents himself, he really is in the situation where everything is new to him and that can be very tough for anyone.
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2013
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You've done a great job of trying to guide the initial adjustment period. As always I'm rooting for difficult child. One of my adult sons had a boyfriend who was similar to difficult child's new roommate. He actually made every effort to escape the crowds that were drawn to him like magnets. Your son may be exactly what USA needs so he can focus instead of being the center of focus. Fingers crossed that it's a good match. DDD
  6. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Skotti: I have decided to be happy for him and stay positive ;)

    This would not have been MY choice for him, but he is an adult and his reasons do make some sense. I would have wanted him to stay home (well, in this country) continue his therapy full force, gain an upper hand of certain issues and then move on. I mean, he had a nice and neat treatment plan, he was doing fine with it, for me it doesn't make sense to deviate from it and take a break, because you feel like it. Especially when with the break there are some new, unknown challenges.

    He did have also a sport wise good local offer that would have offered some stability, closeness to one of our biggest medication school and lots of mental health institutions and all the services that makes available. But he didn't want it because of long bus trips and certain sport reasons, which made him unwilling to commit to that option for the three years they wanted. And he wanted a break, and I can understand wanting that. His last year was awful in many fronts and I get it, that he is totally exhausted. I also get it, that the type of therapy he does, exposure therapy, while effective, is also extremely tough and takes a lot from him.

    But still, running away shouldn't be an answer, even if it is typical to him. But hopefully he also finally understands, that when you run away, you take most of your issues with you and rest are not getting any easier back at home. Of course his is kind of controlled running away and taking a break, so I should be happy he isn't just bolting. But I just get nervous when he doesn't stay in the neat track I have planned for him in my mind ;) For some reason he never does :bigsmile:

    difficult child's agent had another of his clients in this team last year and he had had a good experience and recommended the team to difficult child when difficult child called and asked. I hope also difficult child will enjoy his time there and grow and learn some more.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Suzir...wishing your difficult child a wonderful year!!!! Sounds like a good team and, of course, we can't make choices for our grown kids!! (I think sometimes they do just the opposite of our advice).

    Suzir...there is not such thing as a stereotypical American...lol. Every region is different. Every ethnicity is different. Every person is different and you can be in a room of twenty people and not two of them may be anything alike. That kid sounds more like a Hollywood caricature of a Californian, wealthy teen, which is somebody I've never met either :) Would be just as "foreign" to a hardworking Wisconsinite sportsman who loves to hunt and ski and has his own small plumbing business as to you!!!!
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    SuZir you've done a wonderful job of giving your difficult child the tools and the love that he needs. It sounds like a good idea to be happy for him and stay positive. I understand not agreeing with his choices and yet allowing him to make them and supporting them is a difficult parenting position and yet, I believe, a healthy one. He will learn from the choices he makes. I hope they are good positive lessons for both him and you too..............hugs.......
  9. I am new to this site...help....what is difficult child???
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    We call our troubled children difficult children (Gifts from God). I think it is with a bit of sarcasm. If you have a story, post it!