difficult child's day of awakening

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Apr 22, 2010.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    has arrived. Sigh.

    The PO went to the school on Tues to see difficult child and difficult child had skipped out after his first class and never returned. So PO called me and we agreed that this had been pushed too far and it was a dis-service to difficult child to let it get to a point where he did get into drugs or commit a crime (a non-status offense) and it was in his best interest to do something now. PO has arranged for a policeman to go to the sd today and detain difficult child for parole violations since the school is supposed to have difficult child in ISP today. Since he'll be detained, that pushes his arraignment up until tomorrow or Monday at the latest. PO and I are going to ask that difficult child be released on the monitoring program where he'll have the ankle bracelet and the gps is monitored 24/7 and he's automatically picked up if he's not where he's supposed to be. The judge might choose to keep difficult child in detention for 21 days until his actual court date though. Then, he might get recommitted to Department of Juvenile Justice for 3-6 months or spend a couple of months this summer in detention. If he's allowed to come home on the moniotring program and does well on that, showing that this wake-up call worked, then he might just get weekends in detention over the summer, especially if he gets a job. I felt kind of guilty about being a part of doing this to difficult child however, like I told PO, it is safer for difficult child than letting him continue to "disappear" and no one knows who he's with or what could happen to him and I know he's on a roll now and will end up doing worse than skipping school, sneaking out of the house, and smoking tobacco if he's not stopped, then he'd be recommitted for a lot longer or he could end up hurt. And maybe he'll realize next time that he better take parole requirements serious.
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    klmno, I don't know why you should feel guilty. You're setting limits and protecting your son. That's what all good parents do.

    Hang tough. I know this isn't easy.
  3. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    klmno ~ Praying for you ~ I know this is harder on you than on your difficult child ~
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    klmno, hon, you are not a part of doing this to difficult child. He has done this all by himself. His choices. Far better that he figure out he must comply or there will be consequences now rather than later.

    I am relieved that PO is stepping up here. It really seems like difficult child is going to push boundaries until someone brings him up short, and I honestly don't see how that someone can be you because he has zero respect for your rules and expectations. Some kids are like that unfortunately. Doesn't have much to do with- your parenting, has far more to do with difficult child thinking he is above the rules. been there done that.

    I think you need to prepare yourself for difficult child blaming you, because that's what they do so well. This gets dumped squarely on difficult child's shoulders - you didn't tell him to skip school, sneak out, break every rule, etc. This is *not* on you.

    Hang in there - be strong, and be sure to take care of yourself.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks. PO is really worried that difficult child might be doomed for a life in and out of incarceration because now it isn't difficult child just disrespecting my rules- he didn't show any respect for even PO's rules. It's either that difficult child became resolved that he couldn't make it out here and just identifies too much with the boys in Department of Juvenile Justice or the fact that first the parent/child relationship was destroyed, but after being incarcerated for over a year, now he only sees the guards in their as having authority and he can't function in the free world. These are PO's and my fears anyway. I'm not so sure difficult child had the maturity and emotional development necessary to be incarcerated that long at the age he was without these things happening. PO says he thinks it's a 50-50 shot if difficult child will ever be able to make it outside of an institution at this point. This is why he kept trying to work with transitioning and not re-incarceration until it got to this point. Please keep fingers crossed that something works out with the monitoring program or even if he's held 21 days that he'll wake up and not be re-incarcerated for months. I'm thinking that will seal his fate. While I undersstand that difficult child made these choices, I'm thinking the punishments and services provided or not provided can and do make a difference- it's just a matter of finding what will work and whether or not it's available. For instance, I tried two weeks ago to get difficult child on the ankle bracelet but parole can't order that for a juvenile- only probation and this program while they are awaaiting trial can get that.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry it's come to this, even if it was inevitable. It's so painful as a parent, to watch our kids make these mistakes. I am glad, however, that the PO is on the ball and nipping this in the bud before it causes you too much more grief at home. I agree this is nothing for YOU to feel guilty about.. this one is totally owned by difficult child. He knew the consequences, and he chose to act, anyway.

  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm so sorry...

    Wish there was more I knew to say.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO called and said he's going to have the resource officer at school hold difficult child so he can't skip out of ISP somehow until a deputy gets there to take him to detention, then they will call me from detention once difficult child is admitted. The arraignment will be in the morning.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    k - {{{{{{{{{{HUGS!!!!!}}}}}}}}}}

    I don't have anything to add except, I'm thinking about you and difficult child and hoping for the best... I think you're doing the right thing, and PO too.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    At this point, we simply didn't have any choice and I honestly do believe it is in difficult child's best interest- even PO said we have to save difficult child from himself. Yep- I've felt that way many times in the past.

    difficult child just called me- it was his one phone call he gets from detention- "Mamma, they picked me up". I just said "well, son, you weren't going to stop until they did". I told him we'd see him in court tomorrow, we (PO and I) plan to ask for release on the ankle bracelet but it's up to the judge so if he just wants to go back to Department of Juvenile Justice, he should tell us all now and save us the trouble. He said he doesn't want to go back. I said he hadn't been acting that way.

    Yesterday, a policeman showed up with paperwork in his hand while I was at the school waiting on the IEP meeting to start. I quietly ask him if that was my son's parole violation papers and he said no. No matter how many times this happens, I still cry from a broken heart every time. PO asked me if I wanted difficult child picked up at home or school or his office. I told him school- I couldn't bear to see it again after just adjusting to him getting released and coming home.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K...Im sorry difficult child behaved this way but not terribly surprised. I do not believe they did him any favors in the way they released him from Department of Juvenile Justice. I dont call what he was on house arrest. He had way too much freedom and ability to mess up. I think they should have stepped him down gradually. Inside Department of Juvenile Justice, out on ankle monitor, then intense supervision, then this type of parole you have now. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to know someone is going to go a bit wild after being locked up for awhile. Gee.

    And dont feel badly. I cant tell you the number of times I have called on Cory. Heck, I had half the police force in my yard hiding behind trees with guns drawn looking for him one time because I was trying to get him picked up and I told them he was inside and we had guns in the house. Little stinker had slipped out a back window and run while only one cop was in the front yard before the whole force showed up...lol. Cops looked so proud of themselves when they came out waving my rifle in the air...lmao.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I agree about the house arrest... House arrest on kids just keeps parents on their toes and from doing what needs to be done. ESPECIALLY without monitoring. I know it's not cheap. But there is only so much we can do.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm so sorry, K. You did the right thing. If difficult child is allowed to do this freely, it WILL be his life as an adult. If he gets intercepted, it might not.

    Hugs and prayers for you both.
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I discussed this with PO several times- he said they don't have that available on parole- they do that sort of thing on probation to try to prevent a kid from going to Department of Juvenile Justice but after being committed in Department of Juvenile Justice, he said it appears people in this jurisdiction have the attitude that they've tried all they're going to- it's up to the kid now. But I agree about the urge to go wild- especially for a kid who nows finds himself on a high school campus for the first time around "free" high school kids.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending caring thoughts your way....and difficult child's, too. DDD
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO called again just now to make sure I knew difficult child was in already. (His office is in a building next door to detention.) He's going to go check and make sure that monitoring program has an ankle bracelet available or if he needs to put difficult child's name on a waiting list- meaning he has to sit in detention until one becomes available if the judge approves release on the program. Then, he's going to go over and talk to difficult child and try to see where hhis head is at. I told him difficult child said on the phone that he did NOT want to go back to Department of Juvenile Justice and I had said "well now's a fine time to come to that realization" and PO laughed. We discussed again that it would be better for these kids to have some of these things available as a transition rather than suddenly unlocking the door and not having a guard or anything anymore except something verbal. He said it might be good for him to point that out to the judge- that this change was too much of a sudden transition for difficult child and he needs a monitor in order to gradually transition.
  17. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a sad statement regarding the juvenile justice system, when they don't have enough ankle bracelets to go around. Both from the standpoint of too many offenders, and not enough funding to handle them. Somehow, it just struck me as incredibly sad when I read this.

    More hugs.
  18. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    It sounds like PO is pretty good. The waiting list for the Ankle bracelet is crazy.

    I think Sue got it right- RESPECT- he just doesn't seem to have it for you. He loves you but doesn't know how to respect you at this point.
    I am sorry but you did what a good Mom should.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PO just called again and said they won't have any available at least for another 7 to 10 days but after spending about 1 1/2 hour talking to difficult child, he's not so sure that it's the best thing right now. He says difficult child was talking non-stop about smoking pot a lot and stuff he's been doing and that he's not sure he wants to change. PO says that something is weird about this because he could tell that difficult child was trying to get PO to talk about this stuff but he KNOWS difficult child hasn't really done all that he was saying. There has been NO sign of pot at home or anywhere and ALL drug tests have come back negative and difficult child hasn't been diluting his system. I reminded PO that we have known for several years that difficult child does things like that and a lot of it is to cover his own "real" issues and I tend to think that since difficult child has been that way with male tdocs and difficult child respects PO and he's a male, my guess is that he's trying to get some sort of attention from PO. PO said he kind of got that feeling.

    PO says he has a lot of thoughts going thru his mind right now and wants to double check and see if he's overlooked any options. He's reluctant now to ask for a monitor, even on the waiting list. We discussed letting difficult child spend his 21 days in detention, then asking for a 30 day continuance at court with difficult child coming home on this program with a monitor, which is what I'd like to see. PO says that's risky because the judge might not go for it- they don't like to uuse the few monitors they have for parole violators. Then what can be done that deosn't seal his fate for a recommittal to Department of Juvenile Justice where we just go thru this "all to nothing" transitional period later on. I said whether it's next week, next month, or next year, difficult child will obviously need more supports in place when he's released. I told him to remember I asked about a group home for this very reason months ago. He said they have nothing available.

    Apparently the therapist at the detention center- who refused to sign the one remaining form needed to get difficult child into a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) last year even after psychiatrist put the order in and signed the form- saw difficult child and talked with him right after his arrival this morning. (She said last year she refused to sign the form because the probation officer had already told them all that she would never agree to difficult child going to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)- she wanted him in Department of Juvenile Justice.)

    Anyway, all I knew to do was to stress to PO that the longer difficult child is incarcerated, the more he will need a more structured transition, not less.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Is anyone else having trouble editing their posts lately, or is it just my mouse?

    PO said difficult child said he got excited breaking rules and laws and didn't know what to do about it. I reminded PO that difficult child gets this way every late spring/early winter and could almost guarantee him that in another month, difficult child would be the same level headed, trying kid again that everyone brags about. Whether thats BiPolar (BP), or just being a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in what he chooses, I don't know.

    He's supposed to talk to me in the morning and tell me what he has decided to recommend for difficult child. It doesn't sound good at this point. Of course this is just the arraignment, but it sounds like difficult child will be held until trial and that means the trial probably won't go too well- or difficult child will be released to try again under the same circumstances.

    Yes, this PO is MUCH better than the probation officer was. If difficult child had him for probation we very likely might not ever have gotten to this point- we'd probably still be having issues, but difficult child might have been in a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) instead.
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2010