difficult child's girlfriend emotionally abuses him and need suggestions

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by FlowerGarden, Dec 27, 2008.

  1. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    difficult child is in Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Past year he has been in psychiatric hospital at least 4 times. Every time it was following an agrument with his girlfriend. She manipulates him. Familyfriends, support people, therapists, psychiatrists, and special services have all told him that this is an unhealthy relationship and he needs to stay away from her. His friends and kids of my friends all say she is a @itch.

    None of their advice is taken by him.

    Some examples of what she has done are-
    He played a varsity sport and had practice every day after school and could only see her after dinner and on weekends. She wanted him to quit. At first he wouldn't. Then she told him she was going to sign up for dance and they will have to break up because dance was every night. He was upset she wanted to break up so she got him to compromise that if she didn't sign up for dance, he'd quit the varsity sport.

    He was court ordered to attend an after school program 4 days a week. On our way there the first time, she calls him and says her dad said she could only see him one time between fri, sat, & sun. and could see him anytime mon, tues, wed, and thurs. She knew the program was until 8 at night. So she wanted to break up with him because she wouldn't see him much. He freaked and wanted me to turn around and take him home. He'd rather deal with court than lose her! I was able to get him to go into the bldg and talk to the counselor and start the next day instead.

    He entered Residential Treatment Center (RTC) a few months ago and found out she was dating someone else. When he spoke to her on the phone about it, she denied it. So, he told her to check her myspace page then! Her response was that she's only dating this guy until difficult child gets out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC)!

    Now difficult child comes home for part of sat. and sun. girlfriend spends the day with difficult child then at night is out with the other guy whom she says she broke up with.

    She ruined our birthday celebration for him by her spending it with the other guy and not even acknowledging it was difficult child's birthday.

    Anyone have suggestions how to handle this situation?
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Short of killing her? Sadly, this is one your son has to deal with. You can stand by and hurt for him, you can make whatever rules you deem fit but he's going to do what he will. He is obsessed with her. Not much else will matter until he gets his lightbulb moment or she really does dump him.

    If he reacts badly after talking to her, maybe the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) could ban all contact with her. I know at my daughter's Residential Treatment Center (RTC) outside contact was very monitored. There is no way she could have talked to her best friend, let alone a boy friend.

    I really hate when someone like this comes into the life of someone we love. There's really nothing we can do but watch the train wreck and pray the injury isn't too severe. The really scary part is she can keep him hanging for years. I've seen it with a friend of mine. She's been involved with a Bahstard like this for well over 20 years. He won't marry her but makes darn sure she doesn't see anyone else or do anything that doesn't revolve around him. It really is a cruel, ugly thing to do to another human.

    I'm sorry.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Is he still in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? If so, they should be able to limit or eliminate the time he spends with her.
    This happened to my son recently, and the facility put what is called a "calm hold" on the relationship. Which meant that they could not communicate in any way, shape, form or fashion for an indefinite amount of time. It helped A LOT.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I like Steely's suggestion, at least while he's in Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    Otherwise........unfortunately, the kid has got to learn it himself. If you say anything / do anything he's gonna defend her. And it's awfully hard to see someone's issues when you're busy defending them to everyone.

    I'm still waiting for my daughter to give up on her boyfriend of 4 yrs. She's getting there, but hasn't quite made it yet.

  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Your son is 18 years old. As hard as it must be to watch, there is little else you can do. He has been told by everyone around him that he is being manipulated. He's the only one who can take off his rose colored glasses.

    Be there for him when he finally figures it out.
  6. Wishing

    Wishing New Member

    My difficult child was involved with someone at 15 that had him wrapped around her finger. He could only see her for a short time one time a week. But then bc he liked friends over he had other friends over and then became friends with another girl friend friend.girlfriend was upset and broke things off. It was hurtful but what saved us all is that he continued to see all the new friends he made. If your difficult child son can see that he doesn't have to abandon her but he can have and make other friendships that add to his life as girlfriend is not being exclusive so neither should he. He can be friendly to a lot of different people that share his varied interests i.e. sports,music,video hanging out.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know easy child/difficult child is older but he has a recent Ex who LOVES drama. She has a new boyfriend...but...as recently as last night she called easy child/difficult child at 1:30 AM because she "needed" him to come to her house because she was "scared". WTH!! Turns out she was awake at her house with her new boyfriend AND her Mom. Some guys kept driving by her house and "scared her" so she needed easy child/difficult child to park in her driveway and stand in the yard by the street so the guys would "leave her alone".

    As I said, she LOVES drama. Last time she "used" easy child/difficult child he had four guys "jump him" when they caught him alone. OMG! It makes me so angry to think of him with the plates in his head protecting this brat who gets off on fighting and weirdo things. Yikes.

    I, too, don't think there is anything you can do as a Mom but pray. It is too hard sometimes. Hugs. DDD
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG, I hated when my daughter had a loser boyfriend. It didn't help matters any. She was still using drugs and she threatened to kill herself (and sounded like she meant it) when the jerk finally took off. But I was happy to see him go because she would never have broken up with him and he was making everything worse. Sadly, at his age, you can't force him to stop seeing her and I doubt if she's going to get help herself. He has to learn this hard lesson on his own.
  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Obsessed with her is definitely the way to describe it. difficult child is still in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but had 12 hour passes, for home, on the days he was off from school. He was moving along well and earned those passes. On those passes, he got together with her. No one wanted him to and he was advised to stay away from her but she has such a hold over him. difficult child did tell us and the counselors he would lie to us if we made him promise to stay away from her. He said he'd rather be honest but if he had to lie he would.

    I did say had 12 hour passes. This weekend he got out of control with his attitude and behavior. He cannot leave the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) grounds for at least a month now. Hopefully, one of these days, girlfriend will get fed up and move on. The counselors feel this might get him to think about the possibility of us being somewhat right. They said he'll still deny it but the lightbulb might be starting to go on abit from the experience this weekend.

    Thanks for the great support. Venting to others who know what you're going through is comforting.
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    No idea if it would work, but would a version of social stories help? Write down her behaviors with him and start out using other names for the characters, let him see how badly the girl treats the boy in the story?

    Other than that, Steely's idea is good, too.