difficult child's golden birthday and more

[Kjs]

Well, difficult child was 16 on December 16th. Called from school yelling at me. Had me crying when he got home. I wasn't going to go out to dinner. He invited his girlfriend and her parents, and his brother and girlfriend were going to be there too. And husband.

husband asked me to go, so I did. After dinner he went with his girlfriends parents to her house. Now, he has been with girlfriend for 18 months. He spends every day there. After school every day. And on Saturday and Sundays. He gets along really well with her parents. However.......

The day after his birthday he told me that girlfriend's mother asked them to be straight with her and asked if they were sexually active. OMG....Yes. I was so dissappointed. I asked if he uses protection. He said the ones Planned Parenthood gave them were too small and the others are too expensive so...NO. Now they watch 16 and pregnant every week, together. And he tells me "don't worry we don't plan on having a baby". Like anyone PLANS on it when you are 15 years old. And I reminded him that if condoms are too expensive what do you think a baby costs.
I think he thinks girlfriend's parents and us would take care of it.

So, girlfriend's mother put her on the pill. I asked husband to have a father / son talk regarding responsibility. And asked him to buy some condoms. Well, 4 days went by and no talk. No condoms. So I went and purchased them. Told him he is too young. Gave him a zillion reasons why they should not. (first time for both). Explained the pill is not 100% and if she forgets to take it...it doesn't work. I told him I do not want him to do this, but the condoms are if he finds himself in that situation again. He needs to use condoms also. (I know he won't stop. Said it has been a while)

girlfriend's father does not know. husband said "oh,I'll ask him what brand he likes"... Hello....did you not hear me say he doesn't USE any? And who cares what "brand he likes". OMG, it is as if he is proud of him. No talk...nothing. I told difficult child he needs to be respectful of girlfriend. No is no. He isn't emotionally ready. Big step in his life...yada, yada, yada.

I did talk to girlfriend's mom. She cried. I know if they are going to do it, they will find a place to do it.

difficult child makes plans then never follows through. Got into it with girlfriend's mother the other day. Swearing at her and screaming. Because girlfriend had to clean her room and he had the choice to help or come back when she is done. OMG, turned into a screaming match. Then he yells at me. Then he cries and says he is calling her and saying all these mean things. I told him it would not be in his best interest if he wants to continue to see his girlfriend. I cried again.

He then calmed down and tried to call girlfriend's mother to apologize. She wouldn't speak to him. He does this....says horrible, mean things, screaming and throwing things and punching things, then apologizes and says when he gets angry he cannot control himself.

It is SO difficult. I just don't know how to handle this.

then on the other hand, one of his teachers who helps him out and spends HER time helping him with homework on weekends and such...she was at her daughters performance and when they got home their home was robbed. Everything was taken. All electronics, jewelry, christmas gifts for the two small girls. Even a Cello. yet none of the neighbors noticed anyone cleaning out their house. difficult child took his birthday money and gave it to this teacher, so she could get the girls christmas gifts.

He is so very sensitive and has such good intentions. But in a heartbeat that can all be thrown away and he is a different person. Says really mean things to people. It is just so difficult. Never know what kid will be there. You can be having a conversation and if you say something he doesn't like, the other kid comes out.

But, he is my baby. I feel like just giving up, letting him do whatever he wants and not be there for him. Then I get a change of heart and tell myself I cannot give up on my son. I will always be there for him. My family has been torn apart, everyone walks on egg shells...even school. He has 22 tardies and no consequences. Everyone is afraid to get him angry. Teachers accept late assignments with no points taken off. granted, physics is extremely hard.

so, so hard. He's messing with my head. I am told he will and always has pushed MY buttons. Made ME cry. Totally oppositional with ME. I was told he will be this way to the people he feels the most comfortable around. The safest. But I really believe he hates me. Why else would anyone treat someone so hurtful.

Then I go back and think of the depersonalization he lives with every day. He has stated in the past that when he is really angry he feels the most normal. Also when he is in pain. So does he do it on purpose? He usually ends up crying also at some point. Then threatens to "break up" with girlfriend. Hey...go for it. Your girlfriend. I have a feeling his christmas gift is going to cause way, way, way more heartache.

Just venting. He doesn't deserve his xmas gift. He needs to grow up and be a little responsible. I would like him to be removed from the home. I would like to not be afraid to talk. But, all he has to do is call and I am removed from the home. That is how the "system" works.

 

[DDD]

Sending supportive hugs your way.

Wish I could tell you how to make him "stop". Sad to say...you have as much chance of getting him to stop sex as you do of stopping a freight train by getting on the tracks. I've been a teenager who was "in love" and I have raised eight of them.
There is no going back to innocence. It's gone.

Regarding birth control, however, you can jump on it. Sounds like you did but at the same time hoped he would choose not to use the condos etc. Make it scientific. Get a brand that is manufactured by a top company, emphasize the need
and pray. I feel sorry for girlfriend's Mom as she now has a burning secret and is probably afraid to share with her husband. Poor lady!


Regarding the good kid/bad kid you describe. been there done that. I'm still there doing that! Once again you'll have to let him face the consequences of his poor choices......and don't let him see you cry. There used to be a deoderant ad with the theme "Don't ever let them see you sweat!" It's a good parenting rule but hard to master. Hoping all levels off soon. DDD

 

[Marcie Mac]

He could probably do with a medication tweek.

I am with DDD, there is no stopping once the sex barn door is open, so just make sure he has a supply of condoms. and keep your fingers crossed. You can lecture till the cows come home, and assume he has had the sex ed classes, but its not going to make them stop, they will find a way.

And I know this is hard, but you really do need to stop breaking down in tears every time he has a melt down or you two have an argument.. I understand you feelings are hurt, but save it for your own personal space. I think, in my humble opinion, tears to teenage boys are a sign of weakness, and they really don't care if you cry or not after the first time or two.

Marcie

 

[susiestar]

It is time for you to think about seeking help for domestic violence. Your son is abusive and is old enough that he can face consequences. You may or may not get him removed, but you need real help. Help you seek out. What you describe, and have described for years with-o ANY change in the situation, is abuse of you. Please make a call to a local DV hotline or crisis center. difficult child is old enough for you to be late getting home, or for you to use some of your vacation time/days off for things other than him and his crisis of the moment. The help is free and they will see what is going on and believe what you say.

You do have choices. Your husband has been absent from your marriage and also emotionally abusive to you for years. many of us have urged you to seek help. Your son and older son have embraced this behavior also. If you continue to do what you have always done, nothing will change. What are YOU getting out of the patterns in your family? There is always something that makes us think we deserve this treatment, even if rationally we know better. A therapist/therapy group will help you see how you have been trapped in this situation and how to get out or change things.

You really NEED real world help. What would happen if you just refused to set limits for your son? What is stopping you from doing that, given all of his abuse? These are things you need to answer to yourself, not to any of us.

I ope you can someday realize that you have choices in all of this. You can continue to do as you are doing, and stay mired in this abuse, or you can get real help. Not just a therapist, but help from a DV center, because what you are experiencing is almost textbook abuse. Until YOU get help there is NOTHING AT ALL, 1000% of ZERO, that you can do that will EVER help your son with ANYTHING.

The BEST thing you can do as a parent is to get yourself to a DV center for therapy. Stick it out - don't stop because it isn't fun or it is scary. Change is HARD and SCARY. Sadly, unless/until you are ready to do this, there is NOTHING that can be done to help your son.

Why do you think you deserve to be treated the way your husband and sons treat you? Do you realize that you think/feel/act in ways that send the message that it is okay to treat you the way they are doing?

I have had my own abusive relationships. Not iwth my husband, but with my difficult child (much better now) and with my mother and gfgbrother. I am learning to set boundaries and to refuse to allow them to abuse me. I am still making baby steps and they have been a long time coming. From the time I was 14 or 15, various tdocs, counselors, psychiatrists, etc... have urged me to view my gfgbro and parents (mostly mom but both of them) as emotionally abusive at least, and esp gfgbro as physically abusive. It is HARD. I literally shake inside when I have to set a limit or enforce one, or even just when I see the games starting. It took realizing that my younger children have been really damaged by this to make me stop it. I am ashamed that I let it go on in their lives for so long. That is how I know how hard this is.

PLEASE GET REAL HELP. You are worth SO MUCH more than you are settling for. It is hard work, but the calm and peace and positive relationships will come after you start to get help.

YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST OF EVERYTHING!!! Most especially you deserve to be treated far better than you are now. You will NEVER be able to help your son until you are healthy, just as I cannot help my daughter and youngest son unless I am willing to help myself. If you want to PM about any of this, to find out what happens when you go to the center, or some of what has been suggested to me, just reach out.

In the meantime, I hope you can find some peace and enjoyment of the holiday season.

 

[klmno]

I've felt the same delima (sp) with my son, kjs. I think you handled the situation about sex and birth control as best you could given the circumstances and lack of real help from a male role model for difficult child. As far as the behavior- explosive behavior- I think at this point you have to detach some and let natural consequences take over. I understand it is probably not his fault that he developed that problem and I personally doubt he does it on purpose, but it has become habit. So much so that he feels more comfortable handling things that way than a better way. If no counseling has helped, and I doubt anger management classes would (given how all they did for my son was teach him more explosive behaviors), then quit trying to rescue him from consequences and definitely don't cover for them. Who cares if his girlfriend dumps him or her parents make her quit seeing him? That might be a godsend. Something needs to start waking him up or when he is an adult with real life pressures of a serious relationship with financial and employment strains, as examples, and a baby in the house that he's responsible for, how will he handle things then? This is the point I had to come to terms with regarding my son, at least. I will ALWAYS love him as my little boy, but I would be doing him an injustice at his age not to start making him suffer real life consequences for things that potentially (and probably) would lead him to becoming an abusive adult toward my grandchildren someday- when I have them. Then it's all but too late. Every time you let him manipulate you by making you feel guilty or too scared to stand up and confront him or enforce appropriate boundaries and punishments, he is getting this behavior reinforced. I'd suggest you finding time, even though it's very difficult with your work schedule, to spend a few sessions with a therapist by yourself to cry some of this out and get an objective viewpoint about where to go from here. It really helped me to regroup and make logical decisions when my son started pushing his boundaries to the point of bullying me. ((HUGS))

 

[DDD]

For some reason I am thinking about you this evening. I just want to make sure that you understand part of my earlier post.
We all do cry and we all do sweat. Sometimes for almost no discernable reason. It's OK. The advice I was giving was to not let him see you do either. My kid would never believe that I still do both. That's best for him. For me, lol, I still miss my innocent child and fear for the young man I've raised. Hugs. DDD