difficult child's Move is OFF

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DDD, Jan 4, 2010.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    After he and GFGmom decided that he should move into the apartment with his older female "friend" January lst, after taking dishes/crockpot/extra sheets etc. from my house to the apartrment etc. etc. and importantly agreeing to work with husband on managing his finances...it's off. Long story, as always, but that's the bottom line.

    Now I am very, very close to detaching from him as I finally did with GFGmom. I could whine, cry, rant and rave but I am close to accepting that in less than 18 months he has become his Mother's boy. It is so hard to accept that after many years of living with us that he really is a chip off her block. He finished his Jr. year with a 3 pt.+ GPA and was exploring schools for his future, exploring job opportunities and eager to build up his savings, kept his room and himself clean and orderly etc. After moving in with her he barely graduated from high school, no longer had regular therapy, and most importantly was (and is) allowed to go most anywhere he wanted at any time...with no communication. He sees this as freedom and "doesn't want to be controlled" (his GFGmom's favorite word for us and our lifestyle).

    With GFGmom's help, for example, he opened a checking account and has no idea how they work so he had three bounced checks this month. He paid $800 for a laptop at a "rent to own" place, accidentally broke the screen and doesn't see why he has to pay them. It's ugly. Last week he told the woman at Voc/Rehab "I really don't want a job. I get disability and food stamps." OMG! That is NOT the way our family thinks. That IS how GFGmom thinks. I think he is now...her son. :(

    Thanks to you all for the decorating tips etc. that helped me try to get him proudly off on his first step to independence. It didn't work. DDD
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. That just sounds heartbreaking.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I am sure this is terribly upsetting. I know how hard you have worked to help him become a man. sadly he may take a very long time to get there.

    Many hugs.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    How unfortunate. gfgmom should be ashamed to drag her children down into her world.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I don't have a good understanding of your difficult child's history or exactly what you have been thru with her or her son and I think maybe I automatically relate to certain things you say about her that I've heard from my family. But my mother doesn't remember how old difficult child is, what day his b-day is, never asked about what was going on in his daily life, much less help raise him so I really resent her resenting him being my child and stirring up problems when she doesn't get her way- he is my child.

    That being said, I do get the point that this is not the same as your family situation and you have honestly tried to help your grandson. So I want to offer support and let you know that I can see why you would be frustrated in this situation, too.

    Maybe even though this seems like a setback from your perspective and it is a setback as far as finances and education/vocation, maybe a little time for him to work out other things for himself will lead to more maturity in other ways. I don't know- I'm just trying to think positive about it.

    I honestly am sorry that you have to see another opportunity for him pass by.
  6. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    A sad situation.

    Too bad he gravitated to her way of thinking. Hopefully, his attitude will change after he sees that living her lifestyle as an adult isn't the way to go.

  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry-this is so sad.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the support. Since he lived in our home for eight years it is not a typical grandson/grandparent relationship. My husband talked with him yesterday and told him IF he wants a place of his own and IF he wants to learn how to live independently then he needs to tell GFGmom that she can keep this months check (his disability check) and that's it. IF he tells his Mom that and follows thru with husband then he should be able to move into his own place April 15th. Take it or leave it.

    She has made a mint off this kid. She collected childrens disability for all the years he lived with us PLUS child support and gave us nothing. She has, to date, "borrowed" over $1800 from him from his adult disability. She took him to the "rent to own" place and showed him how to walk out with instant gratification and a debt of $800 for a computer worth $400.

    Oh yeah...husband learned yesterday that she provided a friends address so he could get food stamps because they don't send them to a family home.
    Don't you love those moral values? :( Then she told difficult child she would buy the food stamps from him (not full value) so he would have pocket money. YEPPERS....she grew up in our home and came out of my womb. I just can't accept it yet. Good Grief! DDD

    PS: She does not have addiction issues to explain it!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    OMG DDD.....and isnt this the daughter that works in the Correctional facility? She could get so fired over this..lol.

    This is fraud of the utmost level. Number one, difficult child isnt old enough to get food stamps on his own while living in her home. He isnt a separate household. She knows this which is why she made him use a different address. Then there is the selling of the stamps. Then the whole SSI debacle. Oh DDD...let me at her!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Janet, IF I had had a crystal ball twenty years ago I would have called you PDQ. ;) You would love her if you met her and didn't know she was GFGmom. She's friendly. She's funny. She's never been into drugs and drinks very little. She'd give you the shirt off her back...or...off the kids back. She'd probably lend you some of difficult child's food stamps if you asked.
    :sick: DDD
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL...No DDD...I mean...dont you remember. Fraud is what I did before I got sick and had to quit...lol.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I swear your GFGdaughter and my x ARE related. Always working an angle and trying to drag the next generation into it. I'm so sorry for all your hard work lost. I know how devastating it is, I really do. Hugs.

    I told my DF, that in order to play the game you had to be in it for a while and watch how it unfolded. I didn't participate, but lived it. This is why I was so afraid for Dude to be there amongst them, like your GFGgrandson. They're lured so easily into the "easy" style of existing.

    It's not a life - it's existence.

  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Your daughter uses her kid, thinks only of herself, has enough but still wants more- I think I'm starting to get it- she's like my mother.