difficult child's Myspace message

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jun 16, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    is quite frightening to me. he told me he has been having anxiety attacks almost daily....He said it is awful. But what I read on his Myspace has me concerned. It reads:

    "I f*** everything up, I hate who I am, you probably will too, I skipped a grade, I'm convinced I'm going no where in life, I just want to live, I let people take advantage of me, I let people walk all over me, I tend to be a d***, I miss Russell, I'd do anything for him back, Talk to me."

    I am very adamant (sp?) about him getting those bad words off of there, and he will. It upsets him that I go to his Myspace. But I told him he either has me as a "friend" or I take the computer.

    What do you all think of that? As for Russell, he has experienced 9 deaths in 18 months. My parents, friends parents, car accidents, suicides, Overdoses.

    If I try to talk to him he gets angry that I was on his Myspace. I tried yesterday. He admits he feels he is going nowhere in life. Then he got mad and stopped talking.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I would worry less about the profanity and more about getting him a crisis appointment. That's scary to me. When I went through a period of time when I felt I was the cause of all that went wrong around me, I am glad I had a counselor to call for an emergency appointment because I was very close to something awful.

    Please, please get him to crisis ASAP.

    Clean up the MySpace later. (But, yes, have it cleaned up!)

  3. robinm1922

    robinm1922 One day at a time

    I am a friend on my difficult child's myspace and face book. I am friends with most of her friends as well. I am friends with her to keep her safe. I have tried really hard to ignore the language, if that is what she needs to say to express her feelings then (I don't like it and I tell her that) so be it.
    That is me and my difficult child is a little older (16) she has cleaned it up on her own, and I have been able to keep in touch with what is going on in her life from a distance.
    My main concern with the myspace and face book is how mean they can be to each other. There have been a few "threats" made that I had to step in about, my difficult child DID NOT like that I did that. In the end it is all about safety. If someone is going to post threats I am going to call them on it.
    I feel for your difficult child it isn't easy losing people especially peers your same age, kids that age don't pass. Hard enough for a non - difficult child to deal but add a little extra and it makes it even harder.

    My only advice would be, if you can let the language go then ignore it, he will never know when you are looking at his page. Make friends with his friends, it is amazing how much more you can learn it is a long chain from there. The less he thinks you are there the more "open" he will be with expressing himself and the more you may learn. Eventually he will forget you are even a friend.

    For me it has been better to watch from a distance, now I have very little problems with those sites. Face book has taken over for difficult child's myspace, I like that better because it is easier to see what is going on. One of the ways I figured out my difficult child was in crisis mode was through myspace.

    Either way I wish you the best of luck, it is a tricky road we travel and they forgot to give us a map! No directions just pave the road best suited for you and your difficult child.
    Take care,
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I remember reading years ago, one of those stress test questionnaires, the ones where you score yourself for every type of stress event in your life in a certain time period, then score yourself for your likelihood of having a problem due to stress-related illness.

    Maybe you could find one of these and show it to him, get him to run the test on himself (or maybe you could score it together, if he wants your help). YOu run it on him first, quietly to yourself, then when he's run it ask him how he scored.

    The main reason for doing this, is if he scores high, then at least he knows he's in a higher risk category and any bad feelings can be laid at the door of his stress levels and NOT his own actual 'badness'.

    There's a really good TV program difficult child 3 & I were watching today, it's designed for kids in Australia about to go from elementary to high school (for us, that's about age 11 or 12) and it talks to kids about how to manage stress, how to recognise and deal with depression, negative self-talk etc. Today was talking about reality check and using the reality check to test your thoughts for helpfulness or not. What are realistic thoughts? it's one of our educational programs, It's part of the "Being Me" series on ABC TV. There is another related TV program called "Like It Is", also on ABC TV. You might be able to access teacher notes on these.

    An important point to make to difficult child, is that even a good change in our lioves can still add to our stress. Let's say he wins a talent contest and becomes famous - you would be excited, suddenly very rich, getting lots of attention for donig something you enjoy - but yes, it would still be very stressful. Look what's happened to Susan Boyle - she's done well on the talent show, she's got what she said she alwasy dreamed of - a chance to sing professionally, to really develop her voice and be recognised for it - but the reality caused her to crack, she needed hospitalisation. They are doing everything they can to help her over this, interestingly they had her moved to a luxurious apartment where she can be looked after and a lot of worries managed on her behalf - but she wanted her cat with her. That was a very sensile and healthy response from her, having her cat with her is great therapy, it's also holding on to something familiar from before the fame. The cat loves her unconditionally, doesn't care about her new fame. The cat is grounding in all the chaos.

    You could also point out that Barack Obama's family will also be gonig through some interesting stresses. Perhaps get difficult child to run the test on their behalf, to the best of public knowledge. Their parents will be doing everything they can to normalise life for those little girls, but some changes are unavoidable. To suddenly have your father become President of the USA would be a child's magical dream, but the reality is going to be very stressful.

    Your son has a strong need to be in control of his life, but sudden and uncontrollable change is going to REALLYstress such a person. The best way he can regain the control he craves, is to learn to be his own therapist. And even the best professional therapists book in for a session with another therapist form time to time. There is an old saying - the doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient.

    So let him learn to self-analyse but he also needs to recognise tat sharing his own self-analysis with a specialist is a good way to check his own accuracy. When we've been through a diffficult or stressful time, we will come through it fastest and easiest if we can recognise when to yell for help.

    I am a very independent and self-controlled person. So when the stress overload hit me hard, I self-analysed as I have done so often in the past. When I realised I was beyond being able to help myself, I asked around to find out who I could get to help me. I did end up seeing a psychiatrist but frankly, he was useless. Heshouldn't have been - it was just a bad choice, I've since herd from other patients that he wasn't much help to them, either.
    I kept asking around. School counsellors. A hospital psychologist I was briefly referred to six months later. Friends who offered to be a sounding board. Finally the best help I got was from a church pastor who was on a team of counsellors assigned to the town. I only needed acouple of sessions with him, I did see the others over that time also, but his help was the best. From there I was able to continue on my own.

    I described my stress overload as being like the Gordian knot (look up Alexander the Great). I was trying to unravel the knot, trying to find the end so I could begin working on it, but I needed other eyes to help me find the end of it. Once I found the loose end, I was able to continue working on it at my own pace, as and when I got the opportiunity to do so. It took me some years, but at least I knew where I was going and what was happening to me. Meanwhile I saw others around me who did not have the same self-awareness, who were suffering from the self-doubts, the depression, the blues, all because they were overloaded beyond their own realisation.

    He knows you're watching his MySpace. That is good. He is expressing his feelings. Also good. But part of growing up and maturing (as he is) is learning to be responsible about your feelings. These feelings are valid, they are real, they are big. Don't try to jolly him out of them, or try to tell him to not let things upset him. It's too late, he IS upset. The feelnigs are huge and out of control. But he CAN do something about it himself, by learning to recognise where the emotions are coming from - him, or the overload (which is outside of him but forcing its way in).

    I hope he lets you show him how to help himself.

  5. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    I agree the intervention is more important then the language. They use bad language when a way from home, and you can't control that. Use the my space page to find out more about what is bothering him. Which you have, and he needs help now.
  6. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    His MySpace plea reminds me of some of the messages we see on this very Forum:

    I feel like I'm going nowhere
    I feel bad about what I have done
    I'm tired of letting others take advantage of me
    I need help and support

    If he had posted here, the moderators would have edited the language and let the message stand....and we would have tried to respond with encouraging words.

    At the end of the day, the kernel of the message is that he needs to find some support....*&^$# the bad language.

    I hope you can get him the kind of help he needs....

    After he is feeling better, he will change his MySpace message on his own....

  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tend to take MySpace messages with a grain of salt, but that is from my own personal perspective. I say this because my experience with my girls on MySpace can be summed up in one word: DRAMA. Status messages to and from teenagers seem to inspire it, thrive on it, perpetuate it. Maybe it's because they were girls? I don't know.

    I'm not trying to downplay your difficult child's anxiety nor the seriousness of his feelings; I'm just saying the choice to vent them on MySpace can be taken many ways. I think the key is to talk to your difficult child about what he wrote, why he wrote it. Do get him an appointment soon.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    After monitoring my kids MySpace accounts for years, I've got to go with crazy on this one. I'm not saying difficult child isn't having trouble or isn't in crisis. But many kids get pulled into the drama on MySpace with their friends and put stuff out there completely out of porportion to what is actually going on.

    I was lucky. I had other people to help me monitor Nichole's MySpace pages. So it wasn't always Mom snooping. easy child did alot of it for me. And being closer to that age group, weeded out alot of the drama from the reality. Nichole was in crisis. No doubt about that. But if you read her MySpace page at the time it would scare you to death.

    But not just drama. Nichole used MySpace as sort of a journal to vent what she was feeling. Which in my opinion everyone needs. And when people are venting, pouring their hearts out, they don't always mean everything they put out there literally. It's just how they feel at that moment in time.

    I'd definately get him into some therapy. That much loss so quickly is alot for anyone to handle.

    I never censured my kids pages. If you want to know what they're thinking then you've got to be ready to accept the good with the bad. Taught myself that lesson while reading easy child's journal. Censoring tends to cause them to clam up when you need them to let you know what they're thinking. Most especially in crisis.

  9. change

    change New Member

    Mine is only 13 and knows I have an FB page. She is not on MySpace or FB but we monitor her SO CLOSELY she doesn't bother joining. We had too many issues with her using the internet inappropriately at school so she didn't bother trying to join either of those yet. Anyway, school blocks them out. I have loked up some of her friends on FB and their pages are wide open for anyone to see so they didn't have to "friend" me or anything for me to read their walls. I agree with others on here. They are being dramatic. Language can be appalling. I KNOW some of these kids. Some are gifted students...gifted dancers...NOT difficult child's at all...and STILL they will post some pretty shocking things from time to time. I can just imagine what they say in the private message capacity. It just goes to show you...teenagers will be teenagers...(sigh)