difficult child's Perceptions...............

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mom_to_3, Feb 4, 2009.

  1. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I intended to put this in Parent Emeritus.
    I thought I had things under control. I thought my difficult child and I had come to an "understanding" about her childhood years ago. I *thought* that in the last couple of months that I had been really seeing a positive growth in my difficult child.

    Some of you are aware that our grandson is living with us because he was removed from his fathers home by CPS. This has all become a mess and FINALLY the judge appointed a CASA worker to our grandson. That's a good thing, but the bad thing is that I sense and I'm fairly reliable on my hunches, that she likes a little drama and excitement in her life, like so many others. Well she likes to talk.............. A LOT. To me. She shared with me that my difficult child pretty much considers herself a victim because of her childhood. :919Mad: Meaning that she is not accepting responsibility for her actions. While I readily admit that I was not a perfect parent, I actually feel like a victim of her childhood! Wooo, whee!

    This "revelation" has my back feathers up again. I thought I had dealt with and neatly put away those emotions, never to hear from them again. It just isn't so.

    I guess the major fact that her father and I have been raising, for almost a year her 5 yr. old son. Her 5 yr. old son that we love dearly, but exhibits many, many, many of the same behaviors and thought process that his mother did. And the fact that we are enduring all that that entails in our home and he's doing it at school and after school care too. I'm getting talked to, emailed and called.

    And she feels like a victim?! :grrr: A victim of what? Her own doings?

    Forgive me, I'll tuck these useless emotion's away again. Ugh!

    As a side note........... Our difficult child is adopted. We have contact with her bio grandparents. While I was fuming over this info today, the thought occurred to me to make a phone call and ask them, "just how many family member's do you or have you ever had in jail and just what exactly was their problem? What IS it with your genetics?!" Of course I'd never wish pain on these people and would never make that phone call, but I would like a FULL accounting. Don't worry, I'll not ask that.
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2009
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Mom of 3! For the little guy and trying to understand him a little better - I'd recommend reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. They're a handful when they're 5 even without being a difficult child.

    As far as his mom goes - feel your emotions, talk to us, accept the hugs that we're sending and know this in your heart: With a difficult child, you could have been Carol Brady from the Brady Bunch, with a touch of Mrs. Partridge sprinkled in, baked like "The Beeves" mom (and even if you wore the dress and apron!), you'd probably be the target for her excuses.

    Don't sweat it - just try and love past it and know that you did the best you could!

    Feel better!

  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I'll move this over to PE.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Odds are...........difficult child is using her childhood for the "poor pity me routine" in hopes of gaining sympathy with CPS. She thinks it makes her look better to them.

    I must have missed a post somewhere? I though grandson was being sent back to live with father and family. Did the court change their minds about that? (hope so)

  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    That's the last I heard, too. I also hope they have reconsidered and he will get to stay with you.

    As for your difficult child's victim mentality...................Good Grief~! :mad:

    That kind of baloney denial is so typical as to be laughable. Unfortunately, it's still hurtful. To be honest, I would probably call the grandparents and see if they know of any diagnosis's in the family. It's a fair call and might benefit your difficult child as well as your grandson.

    Of course, you might want to make that call after you've run around the block a few times to work off your (justifiable) rage. ;)

  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    m23 -

    I had to chuckle when I read this because this was EXACTLY THE SAME victimization thinking we uncovered in therapy with Dude. O.M.G. are you KIDDING?

    My thoughts were that yes....Dude did have a horrible start in life with an idiot-cromagnun geno type father. (MY MISTAKE) but we left when he was 5 1/2, got into therapy RIGHT away and did EVERYTHING that EVERYONE told us to do to help. After I suffered a stroke from the stress of Dudes actions I called it on the mat. I have gained an entire human or 140 lbs., my hair has fallen out, I have reoccuring ulcers, at one time I was so out of chemical whack I was growing a moustache and bald - but not from pulling out my hair.

    SO in therapy I finally admitted to the psychiatrist that I was defeated. I just didn't want to PLAY Mom anymore to a Badger/Porcupine mix with a narcissistic, victim, pity poor little me, I had a carp life complex. I wanted a child I could like. And the result was the ppdoc telling us we had to cut him off. Clear the playing field is the wording he used.

    When he lied? We called him on it. Like when your daughter SAID on the phone "Aiden has an enlarged heart muscle" and you walked by and said "I didn't say that" and she said her speil. Those are the things that our psychiatrist said HAD TO BE NIPPED IN THE BUD AT THE VERY MOMENT they happened and over and over again we did do quite a battle. We also used a series of statments like "If your lips are moving you must be lying." and for MONTHS if he even said "I'm going to the back yard" we followed him outside to make sure he was doing it. IT WAS ANNOYING as all get out. But eventually we got 1/2 truths, then 3/4 truths.....and now I can say I get whole truths 1/2 of the time - but I still don't trust him and never miss an opportunity to make him realize that by habitually following him or making him show me his pockets or his money or whatever he says he's done or has......I WANT TO SEE IT SHOW ME.

    I'm really sorry that she continues to play the victim, but maybe there is someone you can talk to about getting help with learning how to do what our psychiatrist worked with us on. Cripes it was hard. Yes, there were a LOT of arguments on his part. WE were instructed to walk away when he started yelling about lying or making himself out to be the poor pitiful kid.

    I maintain he's 18 now and was 5 1/2 when we left our abusive life - and it has taken over 13 years to get to this point WITH all the help we had. And that call? OMG - snort - I swear I would make it - I'll tell you something. I was doing geneaology for Dude's biofather and posted the last name on a web site - and OMG I got hits - it's an uncommon name. And even the people on there asked "Are these people NORMAL?" or "They are crazy." because I have yet to meet ANYONE with their last name related or not - that wasn't NUTS. (Apparently I wasn't the only one infatuated with the charm of the nut tree)

    Hugs -
  7. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Ah, the victim thing!! I'm so familiar with that, it's my difficult child's theme. In spite of all the violence and outrageous behaviors for years, and our family never being able to do anything as a unit, and the effect on his sibs, and me being unable to so much as go get my hair done (no babysitter could cope) much less go back to my career, difficult child is the big victim. He gives counselors and psychiatrists the victim story to this day. I'm so tired of it, I just let the agencies and docs figure out the real story for themselves. Over time, they eventually do.
  8. Katlin

    Katlin New Member

    I post on another group and had a good laugh this morning when I had posted that my GIF hates me and never wants to see or talk to me again. Poster on the other group said she will never speak to you again, until she needs something!!!

    We all know that the favorite trait of gifs is to play the victim and blame the whole world, but especially the parents who lived through hell in dealing with them and there tantrums, school, drug, drinking, legal issues etc, etc, and yet was always there to pick them up and help in every way possible. I am raising my G.D. and trying to save other children. She has three altogether. It is a life sentence once they have children, and there will never be any real gratitude unless it is a form of manipulation on their part.

    Just my opinion and experience.