difficult child's Stalker is back at it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Nov 30, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I don't know what to do. My hands are legally tied really.

    Stalker found out that difficult child worked at Sharper Image and so what did he do? He applied for a job there. After he left, the manager asked difficult child is she knew him and she told the manager the story. Stalker's application was put to the side. Later that day, stalker came back in with another loser friend difficult child knows. He also applied for a job and his application was put to the side as well.

    Then, each day, stalker and his friend or another will come into the store and sit in the massage chairs a while and then ask the manager if they will be hired. Manager put them off for two weeks and then told them their positions have been filled. (The help wanted sign is still in the window).

    So, it's been a month and the stalker continues to come into the store every few days, sometimes alone, often with a friend. Whenever he and his friends are in there, they stare at difficult child and make her feel uncomfortable and sometimes the friends will ask her for help. She is new and really can't deny customer service to his friends. However, the managers who work with her most often will step in and help the friend and send her into the back. She has been sent into the back at least 4-5 times a week for the past 4 weeks because of stalker and his friends.

    She went to our local police station after the first few times and told them and they told difficult child that she couldn't really charge him with harrassment because he had actually applied for a job. Now that he has been denied the job, but is sill coming into the store, she went to the police again and this time they told her it was out of their jurisdiction and she had to go to the police in the town that the store is in.

    Meanwhile, her managers are seeking permission from HR to ban this stalker from the store. There is one manager (he is new and doesn't fully understand the history) who is a little angry with difficult child over this, as if she invited the stalker in. The other managers have tried to make him see that difficult child is actually innocent (haha-this time) in this but he fails to see how it's their problem that this kid is stalking difficult child and has even expressed that it may not be worth it to keep difficult child on there as a salesperson.

    So difficult child is working 9-5 today and I really want her to go to the police station and try to get a restraining order against this kid. We don't know his address, but we know his cell and we know that he lives in town with an aunt. Several people have already asked him politely (and not so politely) to leave difficult child alone, forget about her, but he persists. I'm afriad he's going to get her fired, or worse. We're going on a year now that he's been bothering her and I am really beginning to get worried. I mean, you read about this kind of :censored2: all the time. What if he's there late at night when she gets out of work? Or, what if he hides in her hunk of junk car one night and surprises her?

    What would YOU do?? I am going to contact the local police today and find out what difficult child should do. Outside of the law, I am seriously considering having someone 'meet' up with this kid in a dark alley one night...not that there are any dark alleys around here in hicksville and not that I can even think off the top of my head how to go about something like that, but darn it, I just want him to leave my daughter alone.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I just want you to know that I read your post and I am so sorry that this problem has popped up again. I have not experienced anything like that so I have no wisdom to share. I am sending caring thought your way. DDD
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I have been there - twice in my lifetime. Could HR at TSI will give her a 'leave' of absence for say 2 weeks? My thought is to have her transferred to a store OR stay home and give this joker time to realize she's "been let go" the manager that knows what is going on could say something when joker boy comes in like - "Too bad BETTY doesn't work here anymore - her friends are here again today."

    My other thought would be to call the police station and ask to speak to a victims advocate for advice. NOT an officer on duty in that jurisdiction.

    Make sure that the manager is documenting ALL of this in writing, time, dates, number of friends. Even surveillance if they have it - ask them NOT to erase the tapes, get copies.

    I absolutely would tell your daughter to go to some self defense classes, carry a quick shot pepper spray or miniature air horn on her key chain. When she walks to her car tell her to lace the keys between her fingers (like wolverine) and to ALWAYS ALWAYS be on guard and expect to be jumped every time she is walking to her car. Also get her in the habit of looking in the back seat and under the car - if there is a van parked to the LEFT of her drivers side - explain she needs to get in on the passenger side of her car. NEVER EVER let her be alone while this is going on. It may be (i am not kidding here either) worth your peace of mind to hire her a body guard.

    I had to shoot at my first stalker - I literally parted his hair with a .357. He was very perverted. The second one still keeps me on my toes today - I never know when he's going to show up - but I stay in a perpetual state of readiness.

    The same could save your daughters life.

    Make sure SOMEONE is taking his progressive picture and pictures of his friends too - Have the manager of TSI - point and shoot a digital camera at him so you can have a visual record should anything ever happen.

    I am really sorry you have to endure this - it really stinks.

  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I have three progressive photos of him that I got off his myspace page.

    I spoke with the police in this jurisdiction and difficult child and I will head down there later today. I will stop at her place during my lunch break and talk with her. Unfortunately, she only just got this job and it being before Christmas, I don't think she can take any time off. The police offered to give her an escort to her car when she works at night. They also said they could stop by the store randomly and hopefully the stalker kid would notice their presence. But in the meantime, I'm gathering everything I know about him and what I've gleaned from his myspace and bringing it with us to the police later.

    I have to talk with difficult child about safety and always making sure she's never alone at the end of the evening when she's out - she usually has a friend with her all the time, but still, it's worth saying to her. She needs to be more careful about getting into her car, like you said. I'm certain that she doesn't think to check the back seat or notice surrounding cars or vans. Fortunately, these kids are all losers and none of them seem to be able to maintain a job, so they don't have wheels. In fact, I do not know how they get around and I'm guessing they don't work if they are around at all hours. I know he must check the parking lot to see if her car is there before he decides to go inside.

    I think difficult child thought that if her one or more of her larger guy friends told him to leave her alone, he would feel threatened, but it's only seemed to make him more brazen. I don't want her to have to leave her job, it took her so long to find one!

    by the way, how can you live like that, Star? Good God, I'd always been looking over my shoulder.
  5. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    {{{{HUGS}}}} This is so scary. I don't know how you keep it together! Hang in there...

    Another thing to consider for action being taken....

    Let the employers know who this guy is (the managers and such), to keep his photo up at the cashiers station & office should he come in when she is NOT working. That way they can handle a situation that might occur at work. She also needs to have a charged cell phone on her at all times.

    Get a male associate or two to walk her out to her car every single time.

    Can you hae an alarm put on her car she can activate should something happen in a parking lot?

    Also, not sure how to do this either, but I used to have a car where if you pushed the cigarette lighter in, it killed the engine. Then when you tried to start it using the gas pedal method while turning the key, it would flood the engine and the car wouldn't go anywhere. Either way, the car wouldn't start.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Does difficult child have a big beefy male cousin who wouldn't mind taking care of said stalker, maybe give him a painful lesson about NOT following girls around?

    Now see, Nichole has sister in law, who has several friends too, who would quickly put stalker in his place if police couldn't/wouldn't.

    Actually, sister in law told Nichole if b/f puts his hands on her again, he's gonna have a painful discussion with him on how to treat a female. lol

    I always do my best to do it the legal way first. But if that doesn't work, I find a way to Take Care of Business.

    This boy is creepy at the least, and potentially dangerous as all get out. I think with stalker I'd use both ways if I could.

    Saying a prayer difficult child is kept safe from this jerk.

  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    omg. difficult child mutually quit and was fired this morning. Long story, she felt that she wasn't cut out to work with the public, felt paranoid about men always staring at her, stalker was stressing her out, and she didn't like the new manager. They agreed with her assessment and added that she was late twice and once wore white shoes instead of the black ones she's supposed to wear.

    At lunch time I went in and spoke with the manager. It's okay that she's not working there. I am annoyed that when I asked her she made it seem like they fired her and I'm also mad that she didn't come tell me right away (I am literally a stone's throw from sharper image) this morning after it all happened. Ugh, so now she is unemployed AGAIN. I'd love for her to find an indoor office job of some sort. Maybe data entry or something.

    Anyway, I also spoke with H and he said he's going to talk to the stalker tonight on his way home from work if he can get a hold of the stalkers old best friend's dad (stalker used to live with this family whose dad is our plumber)...he may know where the stalker lives. I told H to be careful. difficult child and I are still filing a report with the police, just in case stalker decides to follow her around anywhere else.

    Now I have to take away difficult child's keys altogether since she's not working. I hate being a parent sometimes and today is one of those times. :sad:
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I feel so bad that ultimatley she ended this job because of this dirtbag stalker. There has to be something that can be done about this. why is he stalking her?? does he like her, or he's trying to scare her??
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Karen, he likd her a long time ago. She made the grave mistake of giving him the time of day (not literally-lol) and they exchanged a couple of emails - this was over a year and a half ago. Eventually, that petered out and they lost touch.

    Then, about 6 months later in late Sept/early Oct 2006 he showed up at a cafe she goes to listen to local amateur singers. He was waiting outside. She said hi but I was waiting so difficult child got into the car and we left.

    Apparently, at that point, he began calling her cell non-stop. I also noticed on her myspace (at that time) that he was leaving her strange messages about being his girlfriend, getting married, leaving her family and moving far away with him where they could have babies.

    His myspace listed him as having a girlfriend, which he did, but it wasn't my difficult child. All the while, difficult child claims she was trying to dissuade him from calling her and telling him she wasn't interested. Then, the girlfriend broke up with him because she found out he was calling difficult child and then the stalker cut and paste pics of difficult child from her myspace and made a collage which he turned into his background on his myspace page. He told everyone they were engaged and even posted it in his blog. Then he called difficult child and threatened to have some [email protected]$$ kid he knows beat up her old boyfriend if she didn't go out with him. She was so afraid that he would do that so she said okay - but they never hung out or anything. He just wanted to say she was his girl. I had my doubts about the whole thing so I confronted difficult child and that's when she told me all of this.

    That's when I also found out that he told her he "was always watching her". difficult child was petrified to be alone anywhere and I always had to get to her work early to pick her up or she'd have a panic attack. Three people she worked with saw him drive by her work really slow in someone's truck. And one night I was late picking her up and she was standing in the shadows of the doorway and as soon as she got into the car she burst into tears.

    By then it was late December 2006 and I contacted him via cell and told him to stop calling our house and stop contacting difficult child. I made her delete her myspace page, which she gladly did.

    Then in late January he was calling her again and then I found out he had called our house and told difficult child that he just passed by and could see inside. That is when I filed a report against him and he was told to stay away from our house and not to call here either. He did it again.

    The police paid him a visit and then he stopped it all, dropped out of sight until this past July when difficult child saw him near that cafe. He told her he just got out of jail and that I was the one who put him there. I didn't - he was put in jail for theft.

    So, on difficult child's 18th birthday this past Oct, while she was living with her dad, he called her and said, "difficult child, you're 18 now. Your mom can't stop me from calling you anymore. We can be together. I still love you and want you." difficult child said she didn't live in CT anymore and that he should not call her. by the way, we had difficult child's cell number changed so he got it somewhere - AIM likely. Anyway, he kept calling her and finally her dad answerd the phone and threatened to come up to CT and break his legs if he didn't leave difficult child alone. Again, he dropped out of sight.

    Then difficult child moved back home and got this job and we think that someone who knows difficult child and stalker told him and that's when he started up again. And now I think it's less because he's trying to win her over with his "wit and charm" and more about intimidating her and scaring her.

    So, Karen, that is a condensed version of the story. Aren't you glad you asked??
  10. Anna1345

    Anna1345 New Member

    OMG he is a wack job! Perhaps if this keeps up she should live with her dad since it is out of state?
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm sorry difficult child felt it necessary to give up on the job. That really stinks.

    I hope H has some luck.

  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    We filed a report at the police station. After difficult child told the officer the story, he asked difficult child, "So, what do you want me to do?"

    I was floored. And I was only allowed in the room with difficult child because she said so - otherwise the officer said I wasn't allowed to speak. I didn't care, after a while I interjected important facts. Also, difficult child kept looking at me for thoughts. She would be talking and then forget her train of thought - she was so nervous. I was pretty annoyed at the officer. I mean, if a young girl comes in complaining that she is being stalked and harrasses don't you think the officer should take it seriously unless otherwise indicated? Finally, I said to him, "Surely you can understand why we're concerned about this young man? After all he's been basically stalking my daughter for over a year and he hasn't given up. Every day you open the paper and see another story about a young woman killed by an obsessed person such as this." He seemed to have some kind of recognition and nodded. difficult child was NOT happy with what I said because it freaked her out a little.

    It finally hit her that what frightened her the most about the stalker was what she DIDN'T know he'd do, Know what I mean?? Up until tonight she was afraid, but she was more annoyed. She finally said that she is not sure what he's capable of and now she's scared that he will take it to another level (she said that before we spoke with the police). After we spoke with the police officer, I asked him what we do next and he said we come back in a WEEK to pick up a copy of the report and take it into Hartford to get a restraining order. WTH? A WEEK? At least she won't be at sharper image where he can go inside and harrass her I guess. The officer said they do NOT question the stalker or investigate at all. And I'm thinking, then why are we wasting our time here?

    My coworker saw the stalker standing outside Sharper Image during her lunch break. Ugh = I must have just missed him!

    Lisa, H never made the phone call to find out where he lives because he wanted to see what the police would say first. I am going to encourage him to call that guy tomorrow. I'm so at a loss and aggravated.

    So now difficult child is unemployed and although we've made a police report, we basically have gotten nowhere. The system stinks. The police officer was so rude I thought. What is up with that?

  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Once you get the restraining order the cops can do more. If he violates a RO he can be arrested. It is your best bet. Be careful about threating him because you can get into legal dificulties.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I would go back to the police station and ask to speak to that cops superior officer and tell Him/Her what was said. The comment "So what do you want ME to do about it?" Is very 1980's/abused women should just keep their mouths shut attitude.

    I would caution you against saying anything to him at all. IT REALLY is what he wants. This is a sickness. It's a game to him.

    Please take my suggestions of getting some self-defense classes and talk to someone who (in your town) trains for those things. Even if your daughter won't take the classes or carry pepper spray; I encourage you both to go seek out someone who knows what this mans mentality is and what he could do. Better to be prepared.

    Let the police get his address. If anyone sees you or your friends sneaking around it could backfire on you. These people KNOW the ins and outs = just be careful.

  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Star, this police precinct is renowned for having that backwards way of (mis)treating women. In fact, I receive a newsletter from a local women's shelter and this particular town is listed as one of the highest domestic/abused women towns in the area! It is also one of the wealthiest. Ugh, makes me sick to my stomach. There are always articles in the paper about corrupt officers within this precinct. I do not think I will get any farther with his superior.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jo -

    I know this is a LONG shot, however...since it takes a village - and I've been there done that....and since you DID donate graciously to the womens shelter. Could you go to the director and tell her what is going on with your daughter and ask for some suggestions?

    Believe me they told me they had seen it all and heard it twice - until my situation. I've educated a lot of people at a high price.
    I also know that through ADT you can get what is called an AWARE alarm. It's a panic button that you can wear around the neck while at home and if the button is depressed it brings the cops in record time.

    Just another thought -
    So sorry
  17. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks Star - I called them and this is what they said:

    *Always be aware of her surroundings and make note if he's there and write it down (date, place, & time).

    *Let all of his calls go directly to voice mail so there is a record (also write it down as above).

    *Change her cell and only let her give it out to certain people.

    *Always park under a light, always try to travel or go out with a friend who know what's going on, what he looks like, as a witness.

    *Work in a less public place and alter where you hang out.

    Ultimately, keep track of everything.

    The woman I spoke with also said that unless he physically harms or threatens her, there is little the police can do. She said that without those circumstances we may not even be able to get a restraining order against him. We can try and try again, but it could be denied until he tries something other than following her or being in places where she is. That is considered stalking and if we document it it may be enough to get a restraining order against him. However, she also said - that some judges are easier than others and some are more difficult. It all depends on who we get and how convincing difficult child is in her statement.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    My heart goes out to you all - seriously though

    Get her a can of pepper spray and have her carry it with her keys

    Teach her to lace her keys through her fingers holding the key ring in her fist - it's a nasty swipe across any part of someones body

    Tell her to start THINKING about everywhere she goes - that she WILL be attacked. If her mind is set - less chance she'd be jumped.

    Even a rolled up magazine can be used to break a nose or a BIC pen

    Most importantly - make sure she knows this is NOTHING she's doing. It's not because she's weak, or too pretty, or too anything - he's just a sick person.

    I carried FBI issue pepper spray with me for years. Eventually I had to get a pistol and carry a CWP. When my stalker confronted me I shot twice - the first shot in the air with warning the second one - literally parted his hair. It took me doing that and having the entire police force chase him after gun fire for him to leave me alone. After that I moved with NO forwarding address.

    Really sorry for your daughter.