difficult child's Tardies / detention

[Kjs]

Well, difficult child has been serving detention everyday this week due to tardies. School will not give me the dates or classes he was tardy for. The office says contact the teacher (sp. ed teacher) The teacher says she doesn't know contact the office.
difficult child did bring home progress report this week and only has one missing assignment this week vs. 15 previous week.
A few weeks ago therapist and psychiatrist (same week appointments) both said that difficult child's outbursts are not in his control. That he has so much anxiety, and other issues that when he has an outburst he cannot control it. VP and teachers have been emailing me and I have gotten so very upset. I understand that difficult child needs to be held responsible for his actions, but in the same he needs to be taught how to recognise the signs of anxiety and the signs of what the triggers are and learn how to control himself. All he gets is kicked out of class and sent to a little room alone. So, where are the spec. ed services? Why won't anyone help him learn these issues. I asked therapist and psychiatrist if they would write a letter stating that this is out of his control. Both called on Friday and said no, they would not feel comfortable doing that. difficult child is suppose to be undergoing FBA testing and beginning this comming week he will be tested by the school psychologist. IEP is set for 5/21. I am so burnt out, I don't have the enery to think about the IEP. I am angry with school for his treatment, seperating him from the rest of the class before class even begins. Punishing him if he talks, when others talk to him and they don't get punished. I saw first hand where his desk is placed. I am also angry with difficult child because he just doesn't get it. I have been losing control so often with difficult child. I was angry with the puppy the other day and difficult child told me I don't have the patience to own a puppy. If he ever had a clue of what HE does to me. Everyday difficult child and I argue, cry, I want to leave. How can I even prepare for an IEP when I just cannot go in there with an open mind. I feel as if they are all against him. They make comments that make it sound as if he is this horrible kid. He is not violent, he is not in trouble with the law. It is just his mouth, his defiance to comply. AND, in addition to my horrible week, three neighbors made comments to me. One, next door has five children under age 7. Homeschools. She told me that difficult child will never be able to be with other children alone if he is diagnosis'd bipolar. Another neighbor told me that someone told her she saw difficult child in the field last week skipping school. (I talk to his teachers atleast 3 times a day via email). Another neighbor told me difficult child is MUCH worse than her son ever was (he is 27 now). And she says and He never even graduated from school. (he has been in and out of jail the last several years).
That gives me such a negative outlook for the future. I know he didn't skip school. I am in constant contact because of his tardies..which are not tardies to school, they are tardies to class. difficult child likes to talk rather than get to his next class on time. I just had no response to these people. Makes me want to just hide. difficult child is not a bad kid like everyone is saying.
Well, difficult child is sleeping, I have some errands to run, then take a nap and off to work at midnight.

 

[Wishing]

My difficult child is in hs and he has gotten into it with the vp this week.And now I feel he is targeting him so I empathize with your situation. You could ask the teacher to sit him in between two good students who are quiet that is what one teacher did with mine and it had a very positive impact.
I would just tell people my child is more rambunctious but a kid who wants to do the right thing and that was what another mom told me about her kid and I think it describes our kids best. I have not had an iep.If I have trouble speaking I write out what I want to say.I would list all his strengths and tell them that he does best when he is with a teacher who verbalizes his strengths to him anytime he is not in tune with the teacher this ropes him in.Constantly berating him scapegoats him to the class.

 

[Marguerite]

Kjs, several things to hold on to.

Every kid is different. Yours included. Just because someone else's son didn't do well doesn't mean yours won't. She's just trying to make herself feel better by determining that someone else is worse off. Self-fulfilling prophecy, if you buy into it. Don't. And avoid talking to her in future, if you can't stop taking what she says on board. You MUST be able to detach from this sort of damaging gossip. They must be very miserable people indeed, to take pleasure from your distress and to therefore cause more distress to make themselves feel even better again. Some people are like that - don't you be, because it taints the speaker too. If you can successfully detach, listen. But if not, wave politely and walk away. You have better things in life to do (such as have a quiet, relaxing cup of coffee).

YOU know he wasn't skipping school. The person who told you didn't see him for herself, someone told her. And probably someone else told her, and so on - it is most likely it was someone else's kid, or she's confused, or they've got the time or day wrong. It might have been on a weekend, last year! THAT is why this is called "hearsay" and is inadmissible in court - it's too likely to be tainted and is VERY unreliable.

About the tardies - I would go to the school and sit there until someone shows you exactly when he was tardy. You're not getting straight answers. Arrive either before school, or recess, or lunchtime. Take a thermos flask and some knitting, make it clear you're settling in comfortably until they give you the answers.
Alternatively, put it in writing, that YOU require evidence in writing even if it's just a note from the teacher giving the days and classes involved. If he's tending to cut one class more than another, this is information you need in order to resolve any underlying problem. YOU ARE NOT UNREASONABLE IN WANTING TO KNOW.

Gossip and social chit chat can be healing for some people, you take time out to interact with other people. But if it leaves you feeling down, depressed and hopeless, it's not helping you. They're only trying to help themselves by draining your energy. Find another way to recharge.

Good luck.

Marg