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Difficult topic: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 642375" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>MWM, you have just been through unacknowledged trauma having to do with your father. When we "get it" about our families, we eventually do come into balance. We are healthier, stronger, we see more clearly, and we accept what we see without requiring explanation. We get it that it is what it is. But that does not happen automatically. In resolving our current situations, our current perceptions of family, we are also, unbeknownst to ourselves, recalling, remembering, reliving, every past trauma, consciously or unconsciously remembered, having to do with the feelings being currently resolved. That is why, once we are through it, we feel stronger, more certain, less vulnerable. Because we are all those things. But in the interim, we are vulnerable. We are reliving things we no longer remember, things that come to us now only in the same emotional voice they were hidden away in to start with, at the time the injury occurred. We are putting those old hurts away in our newly learned perspective.</p><p></p><p>That is what happens to me.</p><p></p><p>I believe that is what is happening to you.</p><p></p><p>I think there is no answer. I think, based on my own experience, that there will be an end point, a place where you will see or read something that puts it all together for you <em>because you have done the work and are ready to put this part away in a healthy, integrated manner.</em> But because so much of what is being healed is below the level of consciousness, we are thrown back into old patterns, old insecurities, old images of self.</p><p></p><p>The feelings are real.</p><p></p><p>These are the hurt little parts of us, some of them hurt before we had words, that are here with us now to be healed.</p><p></p><p>That is what is happening.</p><p></p><p>You will be fine. You will be better than you have ever been, changed forever and for the better.</p><p></p><p>It just hurts to go through it. We wonder where the intensity of emotion has come from and what it means and whether we will ever be able to be okay.</p><p></p><p>You can do this.</p><p></p><p>You are doing it, or you wouldn't be feeling what you are feeling.</p><p></p><p>So much of the trauma we've experienced happened before we had words to label and limit it.</p><p></p><p>That is why you don't know what it is.</p><p></p><p>The first time you went through it? The times when you were wounded? </p><p></p><p>You had no words to explain how this could be happening. Now, you do. It was far more painful when the initial injury occurred.</p><p></p><p>All these feelings you are feeling now were the ways you needed to see yourself in order to survive your childhood.</p><p></p><p>That little girl you were needs you to hear her and help her verbalize what happened to her.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Oddly enough, I have been going through something similar. I too thought it had to do with the kids, with the loneliness, with the Season, maybe.</p><p></p><p>There is a thread in P.E. about comparison.</p><p></p><p>And the light bulbs have been bursting since I read it. In a way, it is comparison that is the source of the pain. It isn't what we have or don't have, but what we <em>come to believe we should have</em>, <em>or should have had,</em> <em>or who we should have been,</em> that destroys us. What we believe we should have is that elusive something that looks like happiness to us. "This is what happiness looks like. I don't have that illusory thing, therefore I am not happy, could never be happy, have never been happy. I made the best of a bad, bad situation...but this is an ugly story with an ugly ending."</p><p></p><p>That's where I have been these past weeks.</p><p></p><p>That was my conclusion.</p><p></p><p>That everything was, and had always been, ugly, unless I convinced myself it was beautiful, or that I had suffered and grown, or that there was a purpose in there somewhere, or whatever.</p><p></p><p>I have been in this weird place, more like depression than anything I have ever experienced...so I am thinking it must have been depression. I did not actively contemplate suicide, but I did begin to think it was alright to be approaching the end of what had turned out, no matter what I had done to make it better, to be an ugly, ugly story.</p><p></p><p>During this time, I had the biopsy, learned it was cancer, had it removed and had those stupid, ugly black stitches. Somehow, that whole experience figures in to this.</p><p></p><p>Ugly.</p><p></p><p>Ugly, ugly story.</p><p></p><p>But just lately, especially after reading that post on comparison and radical acceptance, I am beginning to come back. I am alright. </p><p></p><p>You will be, too.</p><p></p><p>I know, because it is true for me too, that this is what it feels like to heal from yet another aspect of childhood trauma once and for all.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 642375, member: 17461"] MWM, you have just been through unacknowledged trauma having to do with your father. When we "get it" about our families, we eventually do come into balance. We are healthier, stronger, we see more clearly, and we accept what we see without requiring explanation. We get it that it is what it is. But that does not happen automatically. In resolving our current situations, our current perceptions of family, we are also, unbeknownst to ourselves, recalling, remembering, reliving, every past trauma, consciously or unconsciously remembered, having to do with the feelings being currently resolved. That is why, once we are through it, we feel stronger, more certain, less vulnerable. Because we are all those things. But in the interim, we are vulnerable. We are reliving things we no longer remember, things that come to us now only in the same emotional voice they were hidden away in to start with, at the time the injury occurred. We are putting those old hurts away in our newly learned perspective. That is what happens to me. I believe that is what is happening to you. I think there is no answer. I think, based on my own experience, that there will be an end point, a place where you will see or read something that puts it all together for you [I]because you have done the work and are ready to put this part away in a healthy, integrated manner.[/I] But because so much of what is being healed is below the level of consciousness, we are thrown back into old patterns, old insecurities, old images of self. The feelings are real. These are the hurt little parts of us, some of them hurt before we had words, that are here with us now to be healed. That is what is happening. You will be fine. You will be better than you have ever been, changed forever and for the better. It just hurts to go through it. We wonder where the intensity of emotion has come from and what it means and whether we will ever be able to be okay. You can do this. You are doing it, or you wouldn't be feeling what you are feeling. So much of the trauma we've experienced happened before we had words to label and limit it. That is why you don't know what it is. The first time you went through it? The times when you were wounded? You had no words to explain how this could be happening. Now, you do. It was far more painful when the initial injury occurred. All these feelings you are feeling now were the ways you needed to see yourself in order to survive your childhood. That little girl you were needs you to hear her and help her verbalize what happened to her. *** Oddly enough, I have been going through something similar. I too thought it had to do with the kids, with the loneliness, with the Season, maybe. There is a thread in P.E. about comparison. And the light bulbs have been bursting since I read it. In a way, it is comparison that is the source of the pain. It isn't what we have or don't have, but what we [I]come to believe we should have[/I], [I]or should have had,[/I] [I]or who we should have been,[/I] that destroys us. What we believe we should have is that elusive something that looks like happiness to us. "This is what happiness looks like. I don't have that illusory thing, therefore I am not happy, could never be happy, have never been happy. I made the best of a bad, bad situation...but this is an ugly story with an ugly ending." That's where I have been these past weeks. That was my conclusion. That everything was, and had always been, ugly, unless I convinced myself it was beautiful, or that I had suffered and grown, or that there was a purpose in there somewhere, or whatever. I have been in this weird place, more like depression than anything I have ever experienced...so I am thinking it must have been depression. I did not actively contemplate suicide, but I did begin to think it was alright to be approaching the end of what had turned out, no matter what I had done to make it better, to be an ugly, ugly story. During this time, I had the biopsy, learned it was cancer, had it removed and had those stupid, ugly black stitches. Somehow, that whole experience figures in to this. Ugly. Ugly, ugly story. But just lately, especially after reading that post on comparison and radical acceptance, I am beginning to come back. I am alright. You will be, too. I know, because it is true for me too, that this is what it feels like to heal from yet another aspect of childhood trauma once and for all. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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