discipline ??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Nov 16, 2008.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    OH...I don't know how to handle this. difficult child lies. I catch him all the time. Lies about school work when he KNOWS I talk to the teachers regularly. Lies about so many things. He knows that lying sets me off terribly. His reasoning....I don't want to get in trouble now. Apparently later is better for him. By then it is an all out war because I totally lost it and husband is breaking us up.

    So..this is what has happened. I use my debit card to pay some bills online. To order online xmas gifts...etc. I went to the store yesterday and couldn't find it. Came home and me and husband looked everywhere. I searched the room where the computer is completely.

    Then I came to the realization I really lost it. I started writing down all the accounts I need to change, cancel the card...what a nightmare.

    difficult child was not home. I called him and asked if he saw it. Nope. I explained to him the importance of this and how I would have to have the bank stop any payment on it, cancel all the accounts. AND the hotel reservations at the waterpark in December are held on this card. I asked him to look around when he got home. (I was sleeping, you know, night shift)

    difficult child wakes me up. He found it. In the computer room on the floor. I thanked him.

    ok..I looked in there. He has been asking for me to buy an account or something for this stupid online game. I told husband this morning how happy I was that difficult child found the card. Then ran by him what I thought. husband walked in his room and asked him straight out if he used the card. difficult child said no. husband asked again, said last chance and you know we'll check the bank account. difficult child fessed up. Yep, the card was laying there and he used it. Then when he found out I was going to the bank and all the troubles it would cause, he cancelled his purchase. husband went through the roof. I told husband (privately) how hard it was for difficult child to tell the truth. He doesn't do that often. He also cancelled what he purchased, so in a way righted his wrong. And MOST important...he told the truth. I got my card back. I don't have to change all those accounts and such. husband left to walk the dogs, he is upset. I am too, but I have my card and his purchase is cancelled. I went to talk to a very down hearted difficult child. Told him he was wrong for doing that (he has done it before without telling me..caught it on the bank statement) Thanked him for telling the truth and how much I appreciate it.

    So...what do I do? He could of just kept the card and I would of had a nightmare to deal with. I would of found out after I had to deal with all that mess. We always told him if he TELLS the truth he would recieve less punishment. I want to follow through on that. I want him to SEE that telling the truth has its benefits. What do I do? Don't want to steer him back to lying. I know, this is one instance. But getting better. School too. Just getting better. Need to give him a positive for telling the truth. But he needs to know how wrong that was.

  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I went through this with difficult child. It was a LONG phase, but fortunately, it appears that he's out of it now. (I really hope I don't get the board jinx now.)

    Oddly enough, if he righted what was wrong I didn't do much for punishment. But I did start sleeping with the cards in my pocket and of course, lack of trust was a natural consequence. If he didn't right what he'd done wrong, the money was taken out of his allowance. The last time, I told him that I would be reporting it to the company and the company would press charges (which many banks will, whether you want them to or not and even if you tell them it was your kid). Also, difficult child did lose computer priviledges for a while due to all of that.
  3. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    My daughter took cash from my purse. I was going to bring them out to dinner and buy some books at the book fair after parent teacher conferences. They both had been fantastic in school so it was a reward. well,money went missing and no matter how many time I reminded both kids what the money was for, I still didn't get it back until 2 days after the meeting. They didn't get books or a meal out. difficult child got a day grounded in her room even tho she confessed to taking the money. I always thank her for telling the truth and give her a hug. It must be working cuz she confessed to attacking the teacher the other day - and her story matched the teacher's.

    I know how hard it is to punish when they do finally tell the truth but I still think (for my difficult child ayway) that she needs consequences.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    I think you're on the right track, K. I think he realizes he was wrong. Anxiety and fear motivate us to make poor choices at times. You're doing the best you can. Hugs, ML
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You have to go back, together, and thank him for being honest and finally fessing up. You're going to hate doing it, but it's the only thing that will get him to tell the truth in the future.
    Tell him that since he cancelled the charge, he's done the right thing by following through on his mistake, as well.
    Present him with-the bill when it comes. (Regardless whether it's credit or debit.) CALMLY tell him how it works, as though he's an adult. Show him line items.

    My son went through this with-my cell phone several mo's ago. He didn't "get it" until he saw the charges on my bill.
    I ended up sleeping with-my phone. I charged it at night, right next to me while I slept.

    He has started using the phone again and his friends have been texting him. husband presented the bill to both easy child and difficult child because easy child has gone WAY over on her charges and difficult child isn't supposed to allow his friends to call my phone.
    Today he actually ASKED me if he could look up a # on my ph as long as he didn't call the person. I said yes and had him stand next to me while he did it, and then I told him to use the hard line.

    Sigh. It seems like a never-ending battle, but eventually, your difficult child will learn.

    It's so hard not to lose it, like your husband did. been there done that. :)
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2008
  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Doing the right thing is doing the right thing. OK at maturity doing the wrong thing first and then doing the right thing is the wrong thing.....but after evading truth after truth he did come clean on this matter.
    The best choice is to focus on the right choice. Keep up the positive enforcement.
    If you are unable to validate a positive then you are stuck being upset over the pattern of negatives. You want the youth to do what is right. He did. Thank god. May be this is the turn point. Maybe this is the end of 'all that" Maybe that is the right guestion...does he understand completely?
    I had the first round of running up the cell bill this month. We have had these lines for years. I was surprised. And then he said he did not make anymore text messages...(did did did) so I removed the feature. Then he forward his phone onto some poor womans number so after curfew I am getting anonomous hate calls everytime I try to call him from a sleepy and angery woman so I removed that feature. Then I said: if you do not answer when I call you one time I will disconnect your number and the internet.
    Here is a phrase I like for those occations when the younge rebute: I have spoken.
    Good luck.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Kudos to difficult child for doing the right thing. Our kids get so fixated on what they want they forget honesty on occasion.

    Saying that, while difficult child fessed up & canceled the purchase there should still be a consequence to his actions. Always telling the truth in the big bad world doesn't undo a consequence. Confessing to a crime may bring a different, less stern sentence but there still is a sentence.

    And that is what our difficult children need to learn. Honesty isn't always an automatic out for our choices.