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disengaging essay..for stepparents
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<blockquote data-source="post: 4395"><p>I am not sure who wrote this, but someone posted this on an AOL message board...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That's quite the "essay" is it not?</p><p></p><p>sounds drastic, but not so much..</p><p></p><p>my 11 y.o. difficult child and I had massive battle over laundry--wearing dirty clothes, putting clean clothes with the dirty ones and vise versa, ripping up his clothes, refusing to put them away, throwing them all over the hourse, ripping them up etc. etc. etc.. So, I "disengaged from" 11 y.o. difficult child's laundry.. (15 and 13 y.o. sk's do their own..as I "disengaged" from laundry for them too because it was such a "battle" etc.) My husband does 11 y.o. difficult child's laundry now...he hates doing it...has a much deeper understanding of what I had been going through.</p><p></p><p>My sk's complain about the food I make(not your ordinary every day complaint either..11 y.o. difficult child would rage about certain meals I cooked--sometimes just because it was one of his other siblings favorite and it was "no fair that I cooked HER favorite and not his blah blah blah)..that's okay..I just scrape their plates mid-meal...let them go and make sandwhiches for themselves, or they can ask my husband to make something else...</p><p></p><p>11 y.o. or 13 y.o. difficult children decide to hate me and want me gone (i.e. when he's in reunification fantasy mode) and try to make it happen, I disengage..they want to go out and play? Fine, call your dad at work and ask. They will make their own meals (sandwhiches for the most part or microwave food). They want to make a phone call, have a friend over, need a ride? All fine with me, just as long as they called husband and asked first..</p><p></p><p>And husband's typical response to them??? (why don't you wait until I get home to ask)</p><p></p><p>I implemented "disengaging" to a certain degree with full approval and support of our family counselor and difficult child's counselors.</p><p></p><p>I didn't disengage fully however..I fully felt welcome to do loads of fun stuff with my sk's. (was pretty enjoyable to be a "disneyland stepmom" LOL)</p><p></p><p>eventually things got into balance, sk's were more respectful, asked me to be more involved with their lives individually..</p><p></p><p>husband got on the clue bus and became a great deal more involved with the children too.</p><p></p><p>One of the first rights a stepparent has is the right to "disengage"..(although I cannot disengage ALL the time..as my husband sometimes has to go out of the country on business)...</p><p></p><p>but I think there are some ideas here that can be utilized in just about any home, blended or otherwise. (especially when reading about a parent that is not involved with the problems a difficult child is having)</p><p></p><p>And disengaging doesn't have to be a forever thing either, but it can be a useful tool to get "breathing space" and establishing your boundaries.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>------------------</p><p>3 difficult children(11b,15b,13g), 1 easy child(4g), 11 y.o.difficult child--odd/add/adhd/bi-polar/anxiety/ptsd the only difficult child needing medications at this time. 1200mg lithium, 50 mg thorazine(antipsychotic), 10 mg prozac, .2mg ddavp(eneuresis)</p><p>13 y.o.-significantly depressed,add/ptsd</p><p>15 y.o.--add/adhd/odd/depression/ptsd--on imiprimine for depression/anxiety)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE=", post: 4395"] I am not sure who wrote this, but someone posted this on an AOL message board... That's quite the "essay" is it not? sounds drastic, but not so much.. my 11 y.o. difficult child and I had massive battle over laundry--wearing dirty clothes, putting clean clothes with the dirty ones and vise versa, ripping up his clothes, refusing to put them away, throwing them all over the hourse, ripping them up etc. etc. etc.. So, I "disengaged from" 11 y.o. difficult child's laundry.. (15 and 13 y.o. sk's do their own..as I "disengaged" from laundry for them too because it was such a "battle" etc.) My husband does 11 y.o. difficult child's laundry now...he hates doing it...has a much deeper understanding of what I had been going through. My sk's complain about the food I make(not your ordinary every day complaint either..11 y.o. difficult child would rage about certain meals I cooked--sometimes just because it was one of his other siblings favorite and it was "no fair that I cooked HER favorite and not his blah blah blah)..that's okay..I just scrape their plates mid-meal...let them go and make sandwhiches for themselves, or they can ask my husband to make something else... 11 y.o. or 13 y.o. difficult children decide to hate me and want me gone (i.e. when he's in reunification fantasy mode) and try to make it happen, I disengage..they want to go out and play? Fine, call your dad at work and ask. They will make their own meals (sandwhiches for the most part or microwave food). They want to make a phone call, have a friend over, need a ride? All fine with me, just as long as they called husband and asked first.. And husband's typical response to them??? (why don't you wait until I get home to ask) I implemented "disengaging" to a certain degree with full approval and support of our family counselor and difficult child's counselors. I didn't disengage fully however..I fully felt welcome to do loads of fun stuff with my sk's. (was pretty enjoyable to be a "disneyland stepmom" LOL) eventually things got into balance, sk's were more respectful, asked me to be more involved with their lives individually.. husband got on the clue bus and became a great deal more involved with the children too. One of the first rights a stepparent has is the right to "disengage"..(although I cannot disengage ALL the time..as my husband sometimes has to go out of the country on business)... but I think there are some ideas here that can be utilized in just about any home, blended or otherwise. (especially when reading about a parent that is not involved with the problems a difficult child is having) And disengaging doesn't have to be a forever thing either, but it can be a useful tool to get "breathing space" and establishing your boundaries. ------------------ 3 difficult children(11b,15b,13g), 1 easy child(4g), 11 y.o.difficult child--odd/add/adhd/bi-polar/anxiety/ptsd the only difficult child needing medications at this time. 1200mg lithium, 50 mg thorazine(antipsychotic), 10 mg prozac, .2mg ddavp(eneuresis) 13 y.o.-significantly depressed,add/ptsd 15 y.o.--add/adhd/odd/depression/ptsd--on imiprimine for depression/anxiety) [/QUOTE]
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