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<blockquote data-quote="donna723" data-source="post: 31968" data-attributes="member: 1883"><p>This all sounds very familiar to me too! He is using verbal abuse and manipulation to keep her under control and it's working. I spent twenty years married to someone exactly like this! I spent all that time trying desperately to figure out what it was that <u>I</u> was doing wrong - it must be <u>my</u> fault - he said it was! If it wasn't for ME, everything would be perfect at our house! None of it made any sense to me because, try as I might, I couldn't figure out what I was doing that was so awful that I deserved that kind of treatment. And by that time, my self-esteem was completely bottomed out so I was more than willing to take the blame, even if I didn't know what I had done wrong! This kind of treatment keeps you so off-balance and so confused, you don't know which way is "up" anymore. And it is a totally miserable way to have to live!</p><p></p><p>Verbal abuse is a form of domestic violence. In your daughters case, he is using her problems as the weapon against her. If it wasn't that, he'd find something else. They ALL find something. They will lie and manipulate and twist things around so that it is all HER fault! Like all forms of domestic violence, they use it to maintain the power and control in the relationship. And it certainly has worked here! She had done <em>nothing wrong</em> but he had her in tears, ready to take the blame, and begging him to tell her what she had done! He is very firmly planted in the "drivers seat" and intends to stay there!</p><p></p><p>All forms of domestic violence follow the same clear-cut patterns, whether it be verbal abuse, emotional abuse or physical. The tactics they use are <em>exactly</em> the same! They will do whatever it takes to maintain the power and control in the relationship. And sadly, it's not <em>IF</em> it escalates, it's <em>WHEN</em> it escalates, and it will! You can count on it! This girl desperately needs counseling from someone in a womens domestic violence group. Having this all explained for you is a real eye-opening experience! Suddenly everything makes sense to you again and you can see right through what they are doing. Talking to these people was the single most empowering experience I've ever had. A lot of women are very resistant to make this step - they still think that if <em>they</em> choose their words carefully enough, if <em>they</em> walk on enough eggshells, and if <em>they</em> ever finally figure out what <em>they</em> are doing wrong, maybe it won't be so bad. I strongly urge you to contact a domestic violence group in your area. They will be happy to meet with her or talk to her on the phone - all in strictest confidence. If she won't or is afraid to call, then you can do it! They will give you information to help you help her, and can send some very eye-opening and informative literature that could make a big difference. She needs to put a stop to this NOW before it gets worse!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="donna723, post: 31968, member: 1883"] This all sounds very familiar to me too! He is using verbal abuse and manipulation to keep her under control and it's working. I spent twenty years married to someone exactly like this! I spent all that time trying desperately to figure out what it was that <u>I</u> was doing wrong - it must be <u>my</u> fault - he said it was! If it wasn't for ME, everything would be perfect at our house! None of it made any sense to me because, try as I might, I couldn't figure out what I was doing that was so awful that I deserved that kind of treatment. And by that time, my self-esteem was completely bottomed out so I was more than willing to take the blame, even if I didn't know what I had done wrong! This kind of treatment keeps you so off-balance and so confused, you don't know which way is "up" anymore. And it is a totally miserable way to have to live! Verbal abuse is a form of domestic violence. In your daughters case, he is using her problems as the weapon against her. If it wasn't that, he'd find something else. They ALL find something. They will lie and manipulate and twist things around so that it is all HER fault! Like all forms of domestic violence, they use it to maintain the power and control in the relationship. And it certainly has worked here! She had done [i]nothing wrong[/i] but he had her in tears, ready to take the blame, and begging him to tell her what she had done! He is very firmly planted in the "drivers seat" and intends to stay there! All forms of domestic violence follow the same clear-cut patterns, whether it be verbal abuse, emotional abuse or physical. The tactics they use are [i]exactly[/i] the same! They will do whatever it takes to maintain the power and control in the relationship. And sadly, it's not [i]IF[/i] it escalates, it's [i]WHEN[/i] it escalates, and it will! You can count on it! This girl desperately needs counseling from someone in a womens domestic violence group. Having this all explained for you is a real eye-opening experience! Suddenly everything makes sense to you again and you can see right through what they are doing. Talking to these people was the single most empowering experience I've ever had. A lot of women are very resistant to make this step - they still think that if [i]they[/i] choose their words carefully enough, if [i]they[/i] walk on enough eggshells, and if [i]they[/i] ever finally figure out what [i]they[/i] are doing wrong, maybe it won't be so bad. I strongly urge you to contact a domestic violence group in your area. They will be happy to meet with her or talk to her on the phone - all in strictest confidence. If she won't or is afraid to call, then you can do it! They will give you information to help you help her, and can send some very eye-opening and informative literature that could make a big difference. She needs to put a stop to this NOW before it gets worse! [/QUOTE]
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