Disrespect towards parents why is it?

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by A dad, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I noticed at my oldest that he is very arrogant and condescending towards me and his mother. I also noticed that me and my wife are the same towards our parents but not towards each others parents in law. I noticed that many many of us are towards out parents and at least in my experience I can say my parents where good parents and from what my wife told me and found out so were hers but yet we do not show them respect.
    My oldest is the same and I wonder why it really hurts me when he has that attitude. He is a successful independent person yet he shows us so much disrespect and so do I towards my parents and my wife is the same towards hers.
    And I never saw people who did not have such a bad attitude towards their parents so my question is why do we have such a culture that disrespect became mainstream?
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Kids learn by example. Stop disrespecting your parents. you can control what you do. Perhaps your wife and son will learn to show respect when you show respect.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not all kids are disrespectful.

    I do think example can be one reason or genetics.

    Also, many people, in my opinion, hand too many things to their children so they think they deserve it and get angry when we stop, even when they are adults. But not all kids get a lot and learn entitlement. But they do see lots of examples of "funny" families who have bratty kids in the movies, on TV, etc. etc. etc.

    Also, I feel that if we are mean or disrespectful to our kids, we can't expect them to treat us well when they grow up. Not that any of us on the forum do this, but it happened to me in my house.

    So....don't think there is one good answer. Wish there were!!!!
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  4. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    How old is oldest?

    Do you mean you are rude to your parents?

    I agree that we do have such a culture, and that this is part of the reason we are losing track of the finer things in our lives. Not only respect for parents, but for ourselves in the sense of the nature of self-expectation.

    With the advent of visual media, appearance has come to matter more than content.

    I read something once about what life was like before the mirror was invented. No one knew what they looked like. Literally, they had no clue.

    We were less real to ourselves, then. Others were more real; we interacted with an intensity and an attention not possible today.

    Welcome to the FOO Chronicles.


  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    27 years old if we add some months.
    Its really difficult not to increase the tone of your voice with them almost yelling and I am really condescending with them like I am better then them yet not so with my in laws for some reason.
  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Are your parents respectful of you, A dad? Are the parents yelling because they are hard of hearing, or because they are angry?

    What do you think the feelings of condescension represent?

    Do you wish you could feel differently about your parents? Do you feel the sense of condescension for both your parents, or only for one parent?

    What would happen, do you think, if you brought your parents something nice that they would enjoy and told them how much you love them?

    Maybe, you could include your son on choosing something the grands would enjoy, and in bringing it to their home, too.

    How do you think your parents would feel if you changed the rules of relationship in this way? Would they be happy that you had done this for them, or do you feel they would ridicule your gift and the thought that went into choosing it?

    There is no shame in choosing a better way to interact with those we love.

    If you do try to change the relationships in this way and your parents do not take it well, we are here listen, and to support you. Sometimes, the hardest words to say to our people we love are that we do love them, and that we are happy they are in our lives.

    Your concern regarding the intergenerational patterns of condescension you have discovered suggests that you are a loving father, and a loving son to your own parents. I think yours must be a very nice family.

  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    My mother is almost deaf and my father is well his way of communicating to others.
    And yes we are nice and while we are disrespectful towards our parents we are there when they need us and we communicate quite often with each other in spite of that.
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Could you be clearer about what you mean when we post "disrespectful", A dad?

    Is it more a feeling than something specific?

  9. RiverFox

    RiverFox New Member

    I don't want my children judging me... I have given 80% of my life's "focus on my children and when they are 26 and 28 and choose to "judge" me it is so very hurtful
    They have "always" been my whole life... I am basically "over it"... I love them so very much but will not strive any longer to "please them" .. it is time to do what I want for myself.. hurts to say this.. but it true..
  10. clawednest

    clawednest New Member

    kids learn by what they see, so if they see that you disrespect your parents; then they would think that it is normal and it's okay to treat parents that way. you should be the one give them a good example
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the same family some kids can be very respectful, while some can be jerks. There is no easy formula. I think psychiatry has evolved to realize that there are no pat answers. What we mirror gor them, they do not always do. Period.

    One thing I personally believe, and dont know if its true, is that we as people must stand against abuse, especially our judgmental adult kids. It is crazy to try to please them for being mean. I stopped that long ago and my oldest is much more respectful now. If he is disrespetful, I give him three days to cool off and will not talk to him before that. If he does it again, it is six days.

    Usually he is very kind after the three day hiatus. I do not accept abuse. It matters not how much I love them.
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  12. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    It can be drugs, but many times it's just an age thing. I had a smart mouth at that age even though I wasn't using drugs. It's much worse for girls but boys are bad in that area also.