Disrespectful daughter

[Hub]

Hi I am new here and have a question. My daughter is a single parent and has asked our help on everything from taking him back and forth to school and other things which we didnt mind. We did all sorts of things together and she would come over all the time. She met a new friend who is my age and since then she puts us down in front of this woman when we have done nothing to provoke this. She states we are trying to control her all the time in front of this woman. I finally told her i do not like to be disrespected like that in front of someone you just met. She has not talked to us in 3 weeks and our house has become so calm. I quests my question is how does someone change like this and is impossible she may be bipolar? Thank you for any answers. Hopefully something helps.

 

[BusynMember]

I am doubting this means she is bipolar. At some point in time, almost all adult kids want to seperate from always being with Mom, even if you are nice. It is normal for her to want to put her peers in front of you. However, has she been disrespectful in the past? This is not necessary or normal. And you shouldn't have to take it.

Do you maybe do too much for her? Give her money while s he should be working? Does she live with you? Pay rent? Act her age? Speak meanly to you? Act threatening to you? Do you pay for her cell phone, car and insurance, as if she were a younger child.

she WILL call you because she'll need a favor or she'll have a fight with this woman. I'd not be available to do what she asks. The more you give and give and give and expect nothing in return, the worse she will treat you and she won't even respect you.

I would insist she be respectful when you are alone and in front of others or I'd cut off the favors, the money, whatever you are doing for her. She is 20 and if she didn't have you she'd have to figure it out herself. Let her figure it out herself. You'll be doing her a kindness.She needs to grow up and you need to love yourself enough to insist upon being treated with respect. That if she has an issue with you that you need to discuss it quietly and with respect, not having her make snide, nasty comments about you.

If we insist they grow up, they usually have to at least try. We don't help them when they treat us like dirt and we continue to do their bidding. Not good for them or us and WE matter too.

 

[Hub]

Thank you for replying and making a lot of sense in what you are saying. She is the baby in the family at 32 and she knows she can manipulate us. Acouple of years ago we moved just so that we could have some time together my husband and I. Of course she followed us and I did tell her to get her own apt. My husband tends to do things for her like pay her phone, icar insurance and electric bill because of the son but he is just as disrespectful as her. I often wondered she didn't make friends easy and I personally believe it is because they would not put up with what she does. It is amazing how a lot of what you said makes so much sense you said about loving myself well I finally do and don't want this anymore. Thank you I am typing on an iPad and it does not let see what I am typing so if errors please understand

 

[BusynMember]

in my opinion 32 is a bit old for husband to be paying for anything for her, youngest or not. She is approaching middle age.

Do not let her get in between your marriage. She are done parenting. She is far over eighteen, knows right from wrong, and has made her choices. You have a right to peace and happiness without her drama.

Good luck!

 

[Hub]

Thank you both for your point of view it is helping me a lot. Above what I meant is she has taught her son to disrespect us also and it has really become a problem and whenever she has a problem with us she uses him which is getting old. I personally want to be away from her right now for a long while but being bought up in an

 

[Hub]

Sorry problems with iPad. I was bought up in an Italian family where you say nothing and just allow no boundaries. I did have some treatment for this and it helped but sometimes you just wonder if maybe you are being harsh in your decisions. At this point I want a lot of space now I have been putting up with too too long. It is good to be able to talk with others and have some support. Thank you

 

[BusynMember]

You have a right to all the space you want.

I moved away from the little family I had and I feel it really helped. Just the thought of being out a nd about and having no chance of bumping into family members is really freeing.

I doubt you are being too harsh. You may not be demanding enough from others regarding treatment of yourself and boundaries. I had that problem too so I get it. You think that if you ask for good treatment you are being selfish or mean.

You're a good person. You deserve to be treated well by EVERYBODY. You do not deserve ANY abuse. That's not being too harsh.

The first time somebody said that to me, I was in a therapy group of women and it upset me so much that I left crying. I thought that demanding anything from anyone meant I was "selfish." And that I deserved to be treated badly.

 

[Hub]

Hi again I am wondering what type of group I could join for support and where can I find one without going to a therapist?