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Diverging theories & confusion...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 698742" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>My opinion is that while tough love worked great for my kid, I think many of us detach for our own sanity, not to make our addicted child suddenly healthy.</p><p></p><p>We matter. How many years of our lives, how much of our money, how much do we sacrifice our mental health and that of our other loved ones before we decide to let go of our addicts behavior...for our sakes and the rest of the family. We count too. Do we still house and support them when we are 80 and they are 55? Or 60? At 30, when they are refusing to change and we still have good years in front of us? What cost are we willing to pay when we can't change another person? It is our decision.</p><p></p><p>Each person can do what he/she wants. In the end the addict alone decides whether or not to quit. Some never do, such as those in the Canadian mothers group you talk about. I guess it depends on if you want to block out everything else in your life to try to save a grown person, when you really can't do it for them.</p><p></p><p>If you want to give all you have to your addicted child, nobody will stop you. The adult child still may die. Addiction can be fatal, no matter what you do. So I think it becomes how much of our life and our healthy loved ones lives we want to sacrifice for our adult addict. And for me giving up my own well being and the attention I give to all of my loved ones would not be worth sacrificing to try to save an addict. I don't believe we ever save them. THEY save THEMSELVES. OR not. It is not something we can do.</p><p></p><p>Nobody here ever recomended cutting the beloved child addict out of our lives. Sometimes we just don't engage in drama or let them abuse us or give them money that we know will be spent on drugs. Nobody thinks never talking to them again is the answer. But we do set boundaries and that is healthy for us and I think it's good for them too. I don't care what groups of mothers do...with my life, I choose after much thought. And I was lucky. She stopped. My daughter is the one standing, and I couldn't be prouder. She did it herself, not me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 698742, member: 1550"] My opinion is that while tough love worked great for my kid, I think many of us detach for our own sanity, not to make our addicted child suddenly healthy. We matter. How many years of our lives, how much of our money, how much do we sacrifice our mental health and that of our other loved ones before we decide to let go of our addicts behavior...for our sakes and the rest of the family. We count too. Do we still house and support them when we are 80 and they are 55? Or 60? At 30, when they are refusing to change and we still have good years in front of us? What cost are we willing to pay when we can't change another person? It is our decision. Each person can do what he/she wants. In the end the addict alone decides whether or not to quit. Some never do, such as those in the Canadian mothers group you talk about. I guess it depends on if you want to block out everything else in your life to try to save a grown person, when you really can't do it for them. If you want to give all you have to your addicted child, nobody will stop you. The adult child still may die. Addiction can be fatal, no matter what you do. So I think it becomes how much of our life and our healthy loved ones lives we want to sacrifice for our adult addict. And for me giving up my own well being and the attention I give to all of my loved ones would not be worth sacrificing to try to save an addict. I don't believe we ever save them. THEY save THEMSELVES. OR not. It is not something we can do. Nobody here ever recomended cutting the beloved child addict out of our lives. Sometimes we just don't engage in drama or let them abuse us or give them money that we know will be spent on drugs. Nobody thinks never talking to them again is the answer. But we do set boundaries and that is healthy for us and I think it's good for them too. I don't care what groups of mothers do...with my life, I choose after much thought. And I was lucky. She stopped. My daughter is the one standing, and I couldn't be prouder. She did it herself, not me. [/QUOTE]
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