Division between parents due to son's addiction

[lovemyson1]

Hello everyone, I posted awhile ago about my son. He has been smoking weed and possibly selling for a few years now. He has stolen from us and probably others as well.

We kicked him out and since then he is doing alright. He moved to another town and told me he is going to college (I haven't seen the bill for the one class I offered to pay for, so not sure it's true). He said he's been staying out of trouble and lives with roomates but can't find a job. I don't know how he is making it since I refuse to give him money until he quits his habit.

I need to know how to handle my husband and his relationship or lack there of. Since my husband and him have said cruel things to eachother, and my son feels wronged because my husband kicked him out when he didn't expect it, (I rescued him by paying for temporary housing). My husband feels wronged because our son disprespected him & broke the rule of no smoking. Neither one will talk to eachother. I really want my son to come home for the holidays but my husband wont' allow it, unless my son apologizes. Also, whenever we talk about him we fight. Our relationship is almost perfect until the subject of our son comes up. Should I just let them work things out and stop trying to mediate? I just want peace and feel my son is trying but refuses to give up the weed. Any advice or experience would be welcomed, thanks!!

 

[BusynMember]

Is your husband his father?

I'm inclined to think that your son used more than weed and sold the drugs too. He is probably doing more "bad" things than you want to admit, which is how he is able to have money. I understand because I stood in your shoes once. I did not want to hear my husband telling me what turned out to be the truth about what my daughter was involved in.

Does you son usually tell you the truth? A sign of continued drug use is lying to cover it up and lying to get money from us and then sometimes not using that money the way we said we would. Your husband probably had good reason to be angry at your son and to want to throw him out. To actually do it when you two were not on the same page caused a big rift. Now you are having trouble in an otherwise good marriage because of your son, who has made and may still be making some very bad choices. Both of you deserve to be happy, even if this young man whom you love is self-destructing. in my opinion you should not allow him to destroy your marriage. He should not have that kind of power.

You really don't know what Son is up to and his chosen lifestyle is HIS responsibility, not yours. in my opinion don't fund him or enable him. He should get as job. There are places that will help him find a job, if he wants one. I would not pay his rent. But I do think you should be allowed to have him over for the holiday if that's what you want, assuming he behaves and follows the rules and is respectful. And your husband doesn't, so that's a problem.

I think you and your husband should go into marital counseling to resolve your differences over how to deal with wayward son. You both seem very emotional over him and a third party with a cool head is always good.

I also highly recommend going to a Narc-Anon meeting to talk to other parents in the same situation or who have been there/done that. Al-Anon is pretty much the same...that would also probably help you.

I wish you luck. Keep us updated!

 

[lovemysons]

Yes, In hindsight, I wish I had not tried to mediate but instead let father and son work out their differences on their own.

I think men take whats been stolen from family much more personally than we do. Men tend to look at the financial toll and of course what the drug/alcohol destruction does to their wives (us) and other children as well.
I see Men as the protectors...and when our difficult child's behaviors attempt to destroy the "castle" there often will be a WAR.
This is how I see it anyway.
Of course I understand your wanting to smooth things over between the two but it is their bond that has been harmed...Yours is between you and difficult child.

LMS