Do people choose who they love?

[AnnieO]

The first time I saw husband, there was a very strong connection. I knew at that moment that this could be the ONE. However, since it was the second time for both of us and we each had our own kids to protect, our first date was a five hour long interview. We made a choice to follow through from that initial spark.

I couldn't have said it any better. It's true - because even before I married husband, I had to make the decision to put up with the idiosyncrasies of his family, his children, his XW. That is one reason why, though we were discussing marriage by the end of the first month, it took us over a year and a half to actually do that. I had to be sure. And I still had some qualms. But I chose to do it.

And lately - up until the last few weeks - it's been a real struggle. And I wanted to just chuck it all (a lot of you know this!!!). But I made a commitment so I thought - just maybe - I would try for just a little longer. Just a little bit more. And it paid off... Finally.

I did love XH. He was at one point my best friend. And then... We both thought marrying good friends was a great idea! Um. Not so much. The very things that kept us friends tore us apart as a couple. And I was no longer in love with him long before I left. I do miss my friend. I made the choice there, too. I care still - but I don't love him.

 

[Star*]

I can't decide. Why must I always choose?

 

[mstang67chic]

I'm with everyone else....yes and no.

No, I don't think it's a choice on who makes our heart do that little flip but it IS a choice for what you do with that flip. I'm also in agreement with Janet on this....we may choose to be hetero but I truly believe that we are hard wired to be attracted to one or both sexes. Again though, the choice is in whether we act on those attractions one way or the other.

Like other's have said, the long term takes effort, work and commitment....that is a choice. It doesn't just happen.

Also, it is a choice to follow through or even leave. Even when the love is there, if the other person isn't good for you or the situation and things aren't going to change, if you're strong enough, you choose to leave or change the situation. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

[KTMom91]

I'm not sure if the actual falling in love part is a choice, but the staying in love part definitely is.

 

[busywend]

I think women can choose to love women easier than a man chooses to love a man. Women are attracted to and desire attention and affection. For a man it is physical, so I believe there are men that are not choosing to be gay, they just are. I think that is the case for some women as well.

Anyway, this has been interesting for me. As a recently engaged woman about to take the plunge for the first time...it is scary! It is his first time, too.
I knew I loved DF the first time we dated, but I was not ready for him in my life yet. I was sure to keep in touch and thought about him all the time when we were apart. I think I knew he loved me, too, and that made me not scared that I may lose him by not being with him for a few years.
When I as ready I asked him to lunch and we just picked up where we left off. This time I was ready. He took it slow because he figured he scared me away once he better not do that again! LOL!

We have had our bumps over the last 7 years, it has been 11 years since our first date. But, like he said when he proposed, "I don't want to live my life without you, Wend." I feel the same way. I once read something that said don't marry the one you can live with, marry the one you can not live without.

But, to get to the real question - yes I could choose not to be with DF, and he could choose not to be with me. But, we both want to be together. That part, I am not sure if it is a choice or not. Did we choose to want this? Or is it just...there.

 

[GoingNorth]

My maternal grandparents were an arranged marriage (Jewish culture) and literally didn't see each other until their wedding day (Something like out of 'Fiddler on the Roof').

I don't know what their initial relationship was like, but they stayed married until GM's death 70 years later. girlfriend is still alive, pushing 101, and only recently had to go into care.

There's nothing wrong with the old man's mind at all, but his body got too frail to continue to risk repeated falls.

 

[klmno]

Wow- there are some interesting thoughts here! I don't think we have any control over whether or not there is an initial spark- although I feel sure that it has more to do with how we think than anything. But I agree that we have a choice in things. I guess I look at it like that way because first, sometimes a person would be convenient to date, but I've had absolutely no romantic spark. Then again, I've had that heart flip before but immediately had the thought that the person was off-limits or I thought it thru and decided nothing could really work or come from it. Sometimes it's because I had other priorities than dating anyone at the time.

on the other hand, thinking about how so many arranged marriages work and so forth, maybe when we believe that a person can be and will be most everything we want in a mate, we "allow" ourselves to fall in love with them. I'm not sure- I only started thinking about that after reading all these responses.

But there was once when I fell in love with someone and I didn't see it coming at all. I could have prevented it by not getting to know the person had I been mature or wise enough or whatever to see it coming, but I really felt that I had no choice in the matter at the time.

To me, the long-term commitment being a choice is a no-brainer.

 

[AnnieO]

My counselor thinks arranged marriages should be the way things go. For instance - the family knows you better than anyone else - they will pick someone good for you - right? Which would make love natural.

I agree to a point, but when you look across the room and see someone and everything else vanishes it's hard to remember. It's the day-to-day stuff that can kill love. Yes, love is a choice - to keep going, not to start.

 

[CrazyinVA]

There's a great book on this subject called "We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love." Sounds clinical, but it's really not ... it's an interesting read about society's views on "love," and the differences between "romance" and love. I found it pretty enlightening.

http://www.amazon.com/We-Understand...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265207650&sr=8-1