Do they ever get it???

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Apr 10, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I just don't understand. Things seemed to be on the upswing. Change of medications about a month ago, Home seems to have turned into a quiet, peaceful place (for the moment). difficult child seeing SW at school, psychologist / counselor outside of school.
    He was "online" chatting with a friend who is 6 states away on Easter Vacation. difficult child disagreed with his friends choice of music and pretty soon I here they keyboard being bounced around. He is saying how stupid everyone is, everyone hates him, blah, blah, blah. Would not talk to me. By the time I arrived at work he had sent me a message about the band issue. Gave one kids name, and wouldn't tell me who "everyone" is. difficult child told me he went off on his friend, because...his friend went off on him?? He is online for cripes sake. I told him he needs to think about what he is going to say, and if he is angry he needs to just logoff before he says things he doesn't mean. TOO late. So, he will spend the next 4 weeks sucking up to this kid. Tomorrow will not be a good day because "everyone hates him". He believes he is justified in saying all these mean things. Regardless of what was said, you do not have the right to say mean things to others. Just LOGOFF!!!
    Hope things get better.
  2. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Our difficult children, because of their very disorders, are socially & emotionally behind their peers - generally by a third of their age. Having said that, now that difficult child is on medications, the hard work comes.

    The years of instability, mood swings, rages, etc have taken it's toll on your difficult child & his various developments.

    He will need some cognitive/behaviorial therapies, including new coping skills.

    I hope yesterday's actions have made an impact on difficult child. That he learns to "connect the dots" soon.
  3. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I have asked the SW the psychologist the counselor for some kind of coping skills, anger management, social skill help. They all seem to just blow me off as if it is not important. It bothers me to see difficult child so sad when this happens but it is because of his own actions and words. Don't know where I can find that help. Also still looking for an advocate for him. Don't seem to find any in my area. SD and I are at odds to say the least.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Your psychologist should be able to work with teaching difficult child some of these skills. It can be a matter of asking for a "redo". Show difficult child the way it needs to be done & then ask for a redo.

    by the way, it can become somewhat tedious & involves a lot of repetition, but I've seen results in both kt & wm.

    I'm sorry that you're struggling to find help for your difficult child.
  5. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Kjs: wanted to jump in here quick on this topic. It's unfortunate, but online chatting has basically replaced hanging out in a group and talking, or like I used to do when I was a teen - setting up multiple three-way calls for a party line chat.

    Online, you can't see someone's face, you can't hear their tone of voice, and you can't read their body language. It isn't uncommon for people to completely misread what someone is trying to say online because of this. Add to that the fact that many teens don't have good grammar or communication skills, and the lack of other non-verbal input to interpret meaning only exacerbates the problem.

    Both at work and at home, I always try to caution people (and my kids) to both watch what they say online or in email, and to "take 5" before responding to a post or email they think is an attack or insulting. And afterwards, if they're still angry, use a phone or visit the person to confirm that the other person actually meant to say what you thought they said. Many times, you'll find the other person never meant what you thought, but because of the medium used to communicate the person on the receiving end doesn't have a clue.

    I know this is a small point of your overall post, but I think picking up a good Dummies Guide or "xxx for complete idiots" book to help your difficult child understand this would go a long way to preventing these problems. I can't tell you the number of times my kids almost got into a fight, or broke up with friends, because of miscommunication via chat. I also know of at least one person who got fired at work because she misread the intent of an email from her boss, overreacted, and got the boot.

    Just my two pennies worth.

  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I think a new skill that needs to be on the agenda for every social skills course is how to communicate online without offending people. it seems to be especially difficult with difficult children. An adult friend of mine can take offence really easily, as well as getting very offensive, mostly due to misunderstandings in recognising someone's mood in email messages. Then, when she gets offended, it REALLY is upsetting and you wonder - do I bother to respond? Or will she assume lack of response means she is right?

    What I've had to do is distance myself from this friend and refuse to communicate except on official matters. Your son may TRY to suck up to this kid, but the other kid may refuse to communicate.

    Poor social skills are magnified online. Also, our difficult children have to learn that liking/not liking a particular band should be no big deal. If they see a situation beginning to flare in a chat session, they need to have the skills to cut it off and walk away. The trouble is, they so often don't, not before too much damage is done.

    Chatting online too much can be unhealthy, if there is not also a balancing amount of face-to-face or over the phone communication. This is especially true for those with poor social skills.
    I'm beginning to see this with difficult child 3 - he has joined a teen chat room and I keep having to monitor his online communication, to help him understand how to do it without upsetting people or getting upset when he really needn't.

    When easy child 2/difficult child 2's ex-boyfriend blogged nastily about her on a chat room where they were both known, I helped her formulate a response to him. If I had let her post what she felt, it would have been disastrous. A lot of her face-to-face friends also frequented that chat room and she would have lost them with a hostile response, however much she felt justified.

    What I got her to do was to write into a text file exactly what she was feeling. BUT NOT POST IT. We then used it to draft a personal message to him, basically outlining ground rules for future communication. Having written her feelings out was therapeutic and we kept in touch with the golden rule - "What will be achieved if I post this? Anything positive? If not, I must not post it."

    Your son may have already done too much damage. Let's hope it can help him learn a bit better for next time.
    We also set a rule - any physical attack on the computer out of rage gets you banned from that computer for a period of time, because we can't afford to replace a computer simply because difficult child is having a bad day. That rule helped difficult child 3 especially (the major culprit) to learn to walk away and attack something more disposable instead.

  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Well, I didn't expect today to be a good day after difficult child's online issues last night. I am at work midnight to noon. Last night he sent me one and he was using very bad language. I didn't want to get into it because he was so upset and I didn't want to be anymore upset than he was. He was up late(no school) and I told him to take a break and go to bed. (husband sleeping)
    Today he gets online very puppy woke him up. Tells me he is not feeling well. Meanwhile I spoke with husband early morning before he went to work. Told him how late difficult child was on computer that I know of, and what was going on.
    A short time ago I get a message from difficult child...all in CAPS telling me to call dad and tell him he does not and will not talk to him so don't call. I called husband...ofcourse husband had called difficult child and started in about last night. difficult child hung up on him. husband called back, difficult child hung up....
    difficult child writes me and says we need to stay out of his "frickin" business. I told him to take a break, go back to bed and hopefully when he wakes up he will be feeling better with a new attitude. He will not be on the computer for 12 hours a day.
    NOW the hard part. I have to go home. My heart is racing already I know what will be happening. If I try to get some sleep today, difficult child will be fighting with husband.
    I know he is upset, I know he is feeling bad about what happened with his friends (which he has trouble getting and keeping also) I know he doesn't feel good today. I cannot let him speak to me like that. However, I am afraid I will lose control with him. When he gets in his moods he is just quick to say and push everyone's buttons....but he doesn't ever do anything!!!
  8. fedupinMn

    fedupinMn New Member

    Kjs...I am new here and have absolutely NO advise but can empathize with you....I face the same things with my difficult child with the moods and buttons.....

    I struggle daily to "keep my cool" with my difficult child....

    My difficult child "never does anything" either, it's ALWAYS my fault...

    I sooo understand, the "heart racing" happens to me every day when I know the bus is coming or even worse the WEEKEND is coming!!!!!

    Just wanted you to know someone else is struggling with similar things.....

    This morning my difficult child had a meltdown over bringing PJ's to school...some mornings I actually "hide" in my room to avoid the whole thing...happens almost every morning...something is always bothering my difficult child. He has no appropriate communication skills so hollering is my morning coffee....

    I'm soooo glad I found this forum..I have been reading alot of the posts and found many things similar with others here.

    I hope I haven't overstepped a boundary since I have no advise and am struggling myself? Just related to your story alot!!!!
  9. dirobb

    dirobb I am a CD addict

    Completely Occupational Therapist (OT) but, do you think this

    is an appropriate title for our difficult child's.

    LOL :rofl:...sorry just one of those days...feeling quirky
  10. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    is an appropriate title for our difficult child's.

    LOL :rofl:...sorry just one of those days...feeling quirky
    DOH! {insert Homer Simpson picture here...}