Do they just want to destroy their mamma?

[BusynMember]

LMS, I apologize. Because of your first post and your son saying you didn't believe in God, I thought you were an atheist. I think I get what he's doing. Even though you're NOT an atheist he is calling you one because he only thinks you believe in God if you go to HIS church. My son is the same. If you do not belong to a nondenominational church, you don't believe in God (in his mind).

I am not an atheist, although my son knows nothing of my real beliefs. He would definitely think I was a heathen working for the devil...I mean, he doesn't even think Lutherans or Catholics are Christians. So I misunderstood and apologize and also to LoveMySons1.

I don't mind if people talk to me about God. My Higher Power can be called God to me and I cling to Him/Her at times. So it does not offend me at all. However, quite a few atheists were offended in MY post. I just passed it a long...maybe a bit too hastily.

I am sorry for everyone's pain and hope things get better for everybody here.

 

[lovemysons]

Only have a minute but wanted to thank you all for your understanding and suggestions too.

MWM...no problem, smile, I just didn't want my post locked! lol

You all are so kind and gentle to me.
Thank you always for your support!
Love,
LMS

 

[Nancy]

LMS I am very confused. I thought your son recently sent you a letter saying he wanted nothing to do with you and he was changing his phone number etc., etc.

 

[svengandhi]

Nancy -

I believe it was LMS' younger son who sent that letter and it's her older son and his wife (I said daughter by mistake in my post) who are questioning her religious devotion. At least, that's what I think I read. In any event, poor LMS does not deserve this treatment from either of her sons.

S

 

[lovemyson1]

Thank you for the apology MWM. I've always liked you and respect & appreciate your wisdom here.. Glad we can move on I really just want our kids to be healthy & all of us to be at peace. This is a tough road we're all on! Love to all!

 

[mom_to_3]

LMS you have a beautiful, caring, loving heart. Don't ever forget that. You are fine the way you are. I understand how painful your oldests words have hurt you. Please keep in mind that your oldest does not get to be your judge and jury. Don't allow him to do that to you! How dare he!

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Nancy and all...
Yes Nancy, you are correct that Young difficult child sent me a text/letter recently and seemed to want nothing more to do with us. That lasted about a minute.
We have been talking recently...he even just called me at 4:30am and stated that he was in a fight and that the person he beat up may take revenge on him. He gave me the name and phone number of the person he thinks may come back (with others) to hurt him. He is, to the best of my knowledge, in a city motel as of last night. I told him he is getting close to locking me up into an institution for the rest of my life. I really don't know how much more of this I can take!

It is Oldest difficult child who has decided that he and wife are better than...or that I am less than. I had been so proud of oldest...thinking that he was sober and living the good life...but according to what dear husband told me the other night...this is not the case as he now has a recent DWI and admitted to taking Hydrocodone for the past yr. This tells you how little I have to do with oldest son these days as I don't know what's happening in his life unless my husband tells me.

Is it any wonder I had a psychotic breakdown at one point and had to be hospitalized against my will. My son's are on the attack...spiritually/mentally/emotionally. I hope I am strong enough to survive this! I do not want to end up in the hospital again.

Mom to 3...Thank you. And Sven...thank you for clearing things up.
Having 2 drug addict/alcoholic son's definitely makes for some confusion!
LMS

 

[lovemysons]

PS...I miss our DDD so terribly bad. I feel like I need a grandmother figure to lean on and tell me that all will be okay.

LMS

 

[Nancy]

I miss DDD so much too. She was always a voice of calm.

Wow youngest did not last very long not talking to you did he? I understand now LMS and no you do not deserve this from either of your sons. It's time they grow up and live their own lives. Honestly LMS how can you take anything they say seriously? Do not let them define you.

 

[susiestar]

Your boys are wrong-headed idiots lashing out at you because they feel bad about their choices and they KNOW that they are going against the religion and principals that you and your husband worked so hard to teach them.

Sending you a PM.

 

[susiestar]

I cannot get the PM/conversation thing to work, and it wouldn't let me edit either, sorry.

Your boys are wrong-headed idiots lashing out at you because they feel bad about their choices and they KNOW that they are going against the values, beliefs and principals that you and your husband worked so hard to teach them.

You are not going to be able to really help your sons until they choose to grow up. Both boys are incredible manipulators and work really hard to keep you upset and off balance. Why do they do this? Partly they do it because they can get you upset and distracted and then maneuver you into doing what they want or giving them what they want. It is also the long standing dynamic between the you. Another part of why they do it is because they enjoy it on some level. It fills some need.

Please don't let youngest push you into a breakdown. At this point the stuff he tells you is all lies. Even if some of the actions truly happened, his story behind them is just absolute hogwash. I don't even know if he could see the reality of his life choices and his responsibility for them if it hit him like lightening. The drugs have messed him up so bad that his reality is not even close to your reality.

Oldest has used drugs to create his own reality also, and he knows that what he is saying about you is a lie and just plain idiotic. He lashes out like this each and every time his encounters a real problem like his drug use and the consequences. If he can blame you then he doesn't have to take responsibility. If he can create conflama (conflict + drama) then the focus is on you and how you are having problems and not his problems and how he brought them on himself.

Please work on not letting the stupidity coming out of your sons' mouths upset you overly.

If you ever TRULY want to tweak Oldest, you can tell him what I told a friend years ago. She was trying to 'save' me by shoving her version of religion down my throat, and it was one of the super strict to the point of insanity versions. I said it was real nice that she wanted to pray for me, so I would work real hard to give her every reason to need to pray for me.

Poor girl wasn't terribly bright. It took her 3 days to understand that I was NOT agreeing to go to her church or agreeing to be 'saved' by her pastor.

I am truly, deeply sorry that oldest has returned to drugs and that youngest seems to just want to wallow in, whine about and mooch to support his habit and choices. You are an amazing, loving, truly beautiful person and we are all lucky to know you.

(((((hugs)))))

 

[lovemysons]

Susie,
Thank you so much for the kind things you said about me and the hugs. You are a very special person too...and I am lucky to know you as well.

You are correct that both of my son's are incredible manipulators. What's sad to me is that they both are incredible USERS too...and that I am discardable in the eye's of my oldest. What I mean is...he has no use for me and therefore he has cut me out of his life.
Younger son still uses me to talk to...and he even managed a couple of nights stay at my mother's house the past few days...due in large part to me.

I don't know when my son's will "grow up"...it's long overdue! I am sure all of the drug use though has suppressed their growth.

I am not sleeping well...but I do see my Dr in about a week. Hopefully I can hang in there.

Nancy,
I am trying very hard to not let my son's define me. On a positive note, easy child is doing great! As expected...she learns from her mistakes and gets stronger because of them. I am blessed to have my daughter. It is in her life that I KNOW dear husband and I did something right!

Hugs back,
LMS

 

[BusynMember]

LMS, your son's addiction is speaking. I don't know the story. Maybe you refused to give him money for drugs, which he lied about and said was for rent or food. At any rate, he is angry because he's sick. Hopefully one day he will recover. I hope you can find some peace and serenity each day. Take a walk if the weather is nice. Go somewhere peaceful and read or just reflect and try to clear your mind. Your son doesn't hate you. The drugs he is taking have hijacked his brain right now. This can change. Your real son loves you. Hugs!!!

 

[Kathy813]

Hi LMS. I think it may be time for you to cut off all contact from your sons for a while. My therapist has helped me understand that unconditional love does not mean unconditional boundaries. Your sons are hurting you and you need to put up those boundaries until they understand that you will not take that kind of treatment anymore.

My husband and I have finally told our daughter and her therapist that we don't want to be in the loop anymore. We have cut off contact for now. It is my greatest hope that we can reestablish contact and build a better relationship but it will not happen until our Difficult Child understands and respects our boundaries.

I wish I had DDD's words of wisdom. I miss her, too.

~Kathy

 

[Rina]

I have no suggestion on what to do and how to solve this situation. I would just like to say:
You don't deserve this treatment. There's nothing you can possibly do to justify so much meanness.
I hope you have people around you who love, accept, and support you through this.

 

[comatheart]

LMS, I am so sorry. I agree this is the addiction talking. I pray they come around. I also hope and pray you have people around you that can support you during this time. Have you read the book, The Joey Song? I just finished it and I think it would be really good for you to read. To let go is to love.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all again...

Remarkably, I am feeling better this morning!
I have talked more with husband about the situation with oldest difficult child. It would appear that oldest and his wife are trying to make themselves righteous. They even removed cable last week so as to not watch anything unseemly.
Oldest thinks I am "of the flesh" because of the psychotic breakdown, casino, cigarettes...obviously thinks that I am not even close to God...if he only knew how often I pray!
It's unfortunate that he does not understand mental illness in our family either. I hope and pray that none of his daughters have inherited it...or surely they will be shunned and "cast out" too.
Also, in regard to his DWI and hydrocodone use...he wants to know why "he is evil?" These are things he asked/discussed with husband. Oldest looks at himself as somehow being able to "earn" God's grace...this is certainly not how husband and I believe...though there was a time that I thought that I too could shield and protect my kids from all the ugly out in the world and therefore ensure a better outcome. Boy was I mistaken! So anyway, oldest is stuck and suffering and I think his "holier than thou" wife is also adding to his suffering. I actually feel sorry for him.

And then there's youngest difficult child ...He called me last night talking about the earth the moon the stars the universe...how there MUST be someone/something looking back at us. Then he went on to say that he might jump over a bridge. I did not react. Some may say I am wrong for not calling the police again...but I didn't. I just told him I loved him and had to go. The last time I called the police he told them..."I was just trying to get my mother's attention."

Kathy, I think you are correct that I need some boundaries in place as neither of my son's are treating me kindly or lovingly. They both seem to be lost in addiction and skewed thinking.

I will be fine...I will draw closer to the relationships that do work...with husband, easy child, my grandchildren AND YES God. I do not want to lose myself in my son's path's. You all are correct that I need to let Go...
This addiction thing is bigger than me and I believe that if I get in the way...I could get seriously hurt again. So for now...I am going to keep my distance with my son's. I have decided to not taking any more phone calls from Youngest difficult child for at least a week...maybe longer...but I just don't need to be wrapped up in the drama at this point.

Comatheart,
I have not heard of the book, "The Joey song"...but it sounds like a very good read and I like the message. Thank you for recommending it to me.

Love,
LMS