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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="2much2recover" data-source="post: 637450" data-attributes="member: 18366"><p>All I can answer is that when I finally faced what my difficult child was - it was I who had to change, given "her" ways things could have gone on forever. Oddly enough, against my own intuitions, "other" people encouraged me to give the difficult child a second third, etc chance. The whole good mother/ bad mother entrapped me for a long time. I can't say that I was actually addicted to the drama but I know enough about basic psychology that people to get addicted to the adrenalin flow of drama. Therefore when I see it, I know it, even when they might not even recognize that it is there. </p><p></p><p>My way of dealing when I faced the truth was an utter emotionally breakdown; necessary, looking back to re-build my ideas of who I am, and the I came to the truth that I was a very good mother with a very bad end result. Not easy stuff, so the best way is avoidance. Avoidance of actually changing things can be a very powerful but toxic (to self) way not to deal with reality of what you are living and keep yourself caught up in drama which has it's own payoff -we "prove to "others" that we are/were good parents in a game that simply isn't being played by anyone but ourselves. It then can get to a point of where a person gets so entangled to the dysfunction that they have no way of getting out of the situation. It becomes easier to, in a unknowing way to "brag" about the exploits of the difficult child - so that you are "forced" to entangle with them one more time. Someone so enmeshed can't get out because the pain of actually having to deal with themselves is so painful it is more painful than actually making the changes to get self-esteem back, right the good relationships around them and have a peaceful home. Some people just CAN'T live in a peaceful home, the drama is to exciting and they feel somewhere deep inside themselves that life would be boring without the usual fix of drama, blaming, making up, believing, and disappointment again. Kind of sounds like other domestic violence victims huh? (We are)</p><p></p><p>As hard as "No Contact" is getting there is hellish in itself so I can understand how people want to avoid it. Also what we must remember that most of the difficult child's are truly unable to change, their <em><em>chameleon</em></em> nature is truly tough to see it for what it is, making the OUR truth an issue when dealing with them. That in itself leaves only the mentally healthy ones READY to change when there is a true desire to live a harmonious life. Thus the numerous recommendations of support groups such as AL-anon</p><p></p><p>Because of the vicious cycle of dealing with difficult child's we can each have our own self-defeating ways of dealing with them until we know ourselves and our triggers and begin to move on with our own lives without these difficult child's affecting our lives. Easier said than done but doable. That is where each of us has to get to to begin to untangle ourselves, for our own good, to truly get back to living our own lives. We must ask ourselves in each situation we deal with in interaction with difficult children - "what's the payoff for me"? Only when you can answer that question with "none" can truly release your adult difficult child out into the real world and out of yours. It takes balls to stand up to these people who use and abuse us. We are made of tougher stuff only when we are ready to release these abuses from our lives.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="2much2recover, post: 637450, member: 18366"] All I can answer is that when I finally faced what my difficult child was - it was I who had to change, given "her" ways things could have gone on forever. Oddly enough, against my own intuitions, "other" people encouraged me to give the difficult child a second third, etc chance. The whole good mother/ bad mother entrapped me for a long time. I can't say that I was actually addicted to the drama but I know enough about basic psychology that people to get addicted to the adrenalin flow of drama. Therefore when I see it, I know it, even when they might not even recognize that it is there. My way of dealing when I faced the truth was an utter emotionally breakdown; necessary, looking back to re-build my ideas of who I am, and the I came to the truth that I was a very good mother with a very bad end result. Not easy stuff, so the best way is avoidance. Avoidance of actually changing things can be a very powerful but toxic (to self) way not to deal with reality of what you are living and keep yourself caught up in drama which has it's own payoff -we "prove to "others" that we are/were good parents in a game that simply isn't being played by anyone but ourselves. It then can get to a point of where a person gets so entangled to the dysfunction that they have no way of getting out of the situation. It becomes easier to, in a unknowing way to "brag" about the exploits of the difficult child - so that you are "forced" to entangle with them one more time. Someone so enmeshed can't get out because the pain of actually having to deal with themselves is so painful it is more painful than actually making the changes to get self-esteem back, right the good relationships around them and have a peaceful home. Some people just CAN'T live in a peaceful home, the drama is to exciting and they feel somewhere deep inside themselves that life would be boring without the usual fix of drama, blaming, making up, believing, and disappointment again. Kind of sounds like other domestic violence victims huh? (We are) As hard as "No Contact" is getting there is hellish in itself so I can understand how people want to avoid it. Also what we must remember that most of the difficult child's are truly unable to change, their [I][I]chameleon[/I][/I] nature is truly tough to see it for what it is, making the OUR truth an issue when dealing with them. That in itself leaves only the mentally healthy ones READY to change when there is a true desire to live a harmonious life. Thus the numerous recommendations of support groups such as AL-anon Because of the vicious cycle of dealing with difficult child's we can each have our own self-defeating ways of dealing with them until we know ourselves and our triggers and begin to move on with our own lives without these difficult child's affecting our lives. Easier said than done but doable. That is where each of us has to get to to begin to untangle ourselves, for our own good, to truly get back to living our own lives. We must ask ourselves in each situation we deal with in interaction with difficult children - "what's the payoff for me"? Only when you can answer that question with "none" can truly release your adult difficult child out into the real world and out of yours. It takes balls to stand up to these people who use and abuse us. We are made of tougher stuff only when we are ready to release these abuses from our lives. [/QUOTE]
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