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Do we get something out of enabling our grown kids?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 637504" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I agree.</p><p></p><p>Until we have been at this business of parenting a self destructive child long enough to have to seek out and learn and accept and apply phrases like "enable" and "detach" we are just moms (or dads). </p><p></p><p>As we begin to focus on saving the kids, rather than on celebrating and enjoying whatever it is they get up to on their own, our behaviors do devolve into enabling. It's like a carrot on a stick, right? Only the thing we are after is for them to be okay.</p><p></p><p>Over time, it does get to be a game, in the sense of payoffs and frustration and pain ~ but it is a deadly serious game.</p><p></p><p>The losses are real. </p><p></p><p>Anger turned to resentment; trust and faith and hope turned to...turned to detachment, I guess. We have posted here before about the parent's need to make that decision to survive, about the necessity of making the decision to leave the child behind or lose our own sanity and health and life and focus.</p><p></p><p>Not to mention money and autonomy.</p><p></p><p>The "rewards", the whole concept of success for our troubled or difficult child or failure to launch kids change from whatever the dreams were to "God, grant me the Serenity...."</p><p></p><p>And the sadness there is that I have never prayed a prayer more sincerely, or more often, than that one.</p><p></p><p>I still have ~ I mean, it has to be true that whatever the dynamic in our family was, another, different set of parents may have been able to steer both my kids into stability. I have a problem though, with accusing ourselves of enabling, like it was a bad thing we did on purpose.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is impossibly hard.</p><p></p><p>Detachment is unnatural.</p><p></p><p>It is.</p><p></p><p>Enabling is actually what we all do as a matter of course, with our children. We teach and instruct and make it possible for them to flourish. </p><p></p><p>And it's actually fun.</p><p></p><p>It's what life revolves around. </p><p></p><p>It is when the child is troubled...here is my question. Did I make the child troubled? Did we create a mental illness in one child and mishandle our son to the point that drug use was more attractive to him than conventional reality?</p><p></p><p>Jeez, I just don't think so.</p><p></p><p>But I don't know.</p><p></p><p>Given the outcome...given the outcome, I tend to beat myself up and label myself and blah, blah, blah...but I still can't believe that if I was making a child mentally ill and driving another to drug use, I wouldn't have known that.</p><p></p><p>I sound like an idiot. I get that. But that is what it feels like when I see everyone else's family and wonder what happened to mine.</p><p></p><p>Detachment theory appeals to me because there is a slim chance that it might work. I could no more not care what happens next than ~ I just couldn't do it.</p><p></p><p>I do care, very much.</p><p></p><p>But the days when what path my children follow defines me are past. (Though, as noted on an earlier post, friends whose kids are Medical Directors, research scientists, or professors never, ever, fail to fit those facts into whatever conversation we are having with someone who does not yet know what all of our children are doing. They speak of their children's accomplishments with pride ~ as they should. </p><p></p><p>The one whose son is a professor at an Ivy League college? Says her son was so intelligent that, though he had his moments as an adolescent, he just is so smart that he never let drugs or any other bad thing take him over.</p><p></p><p>And this friend? Uses recreationally, herself.</p><p></p><p>So, I usually just sit there when she talks like that, because really, what is there to say?</p><p></p><p>Maybe, it's true.</p><p></p><p>So for us...I think we are not locked into some sick dance with our children so much as it is that we are locked into our children the way all parents are locked into their children.</p><p></p><p>Our children are in trouble, or are troubled, or seek trouble, though. When our daughter was actually doing well, the feeling rolling off her was of a car revving its engine at a stoplight. </p><p></p><p>She really was an empathic, energetic teacher who got the biggest kick out of opening things up for her students to see...but she didn't get a charge out of being "normal," of going to work everyday and investing in stocks and paying the bills and figuring out what color for the drapes and carpet. </p><p></p><p>And she even told us that, right?</p><p></p><p>But who would believe that what happened next would ever happen in a million years?</p><p></p><p>And when we did not enable...oh, what happened, then.</p><p></p><p>So I think that, to answer my own question about whether I am somehow hooked in to a system of payoff in martyrdom...no.</p><p></p><p>In fact, I respect myself and my children and my family and the life we created more than ever to consider this question, again. Tragedy is tragedy. It is real. </p><p></p><p>Viciously real.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what happened. Chances are that I was not a martyr person until I got mad about what I put in and the crummy, horrifying, always getting worse results. It is too easy to let ourselves fall into this other way of beating ourselves up for what is happening to our families.</p><p></p><p>I like what Recovering tells us about taking very good care of ourselves, about teaching ourselves that we are kind and bright and good and worthwhile through cherishing and good self care.</p><p></p><p>These are such hard paths to walk, for us and for our kids, too.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, the hardest thing is to trust ourselves enough to understand that we did alright. There are ten thousand ways the world will take us down. We are vulnerable to loss of belief in our selves, and in our own worth, because of what has happened to us and to our families. </p><p></p><p>We need to acknowledge that, and we need to be strong enough to choose to honor and respect ourselves and even, our wayward kids, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Which is a pretty tall order.</p><p></p><p>But on the martyrdom / setting the kids up to fail so we could be martyrs...though that sounds just sick enough to be something that could happen, I think that is not correct.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 637504, member: 17461"] I agree. Until we have been at this business of parenting a self destructive child long enough to have to seek out and learn and accept and apply phrases like "enable" and "detach" we are just moms (or dads). As we begin to focus on saving the kids, rather than on celebrating and enjoying whatever it is they get up to on their own, our behaviors do devolve into enabling. It's like a carrot on a stick, right? Only the thing we are after is for them to be okay. Over time, it does get to be a game, in the sense of payoffs and frustration and pain ~ but it is a deadly serious game. The losses are real. Anger turned to resentment; trust and faith and hope turned to...turned to detachment, I guess. We have posted here before about the parent's need to make that decision to survive, about the necessity of making the decision to leave the child behind or lose our own sanity and health and life and focus. Not to mention money and autonomy. The "rewards", the whole concept of success for our troubled or difficult child or failure to launch kids change from whatever the dreams were to "God, grant me the Serenity...." And the sadness there is that I have never prayed a prayer more sincerely, or more often, than that one. I still have ~ I mean, it has to be true that whatever the dynamic in our family was, another, different set of parents may have been able to steer both my kids into stability. I have a problem though, with accusing ourselves of enabling, like it was a bad thing we did on purpose. Detachment is impossibly hard. Detachment is unnatural. It is. Enabling is actually what we all do as a matter of course, with our children. We teach and instruct and make it possible for them to flourish. And it's actually fun. It's what life revolves around. It is when the child is troubled...here is my question. Did I make the child troubled? Did we create a mental illness in one child and mishandle our son to the point that drug use was more attractive to him than conventional reality? Jeez, I just don't think so. But I don't know. Given the outcome...given the outcome, I tend to beat myself up and label myself and blah, blah, blah...but I still can't believe that if I was making a child mentally ill and driving another to drug use, I wouldn't have known that. I sound like an idiot. I get that. But that is what it feels like when I see everyone else's family and wonder what happened to mine. Detachment theory appeals to me because there is a slim chance that it might work. I could no more not care what happens next than ~ I just couldn't do it. I do care, very much. But the days when what path my children follow defines me are past. (Though, as noted on an earlier post, friends whose kids are Medical Directors, research scientists, or professors never, ever, fail to fit those facts into whatever conversation we are having with someone who does not yet know what all of our children are doing. They speak of their children's accomplishments with pride ~ as they should. The one whose son is a professor at an Ivy League college? Says her son was so intelligent that, though he had his moments as an adolescent, he just is so smart that he never let drugs or any other bad thing take him over. And this friend? Uses recreationally, herself. So, I usually just sit there when she talks like that, because really, what is there to say? Maybe, it's true. So for us...I think we are not locked into some sick dance with our children so much as it is that we are locked into our children the way all parents are locked into their children. Our children are in trouble, or are troubled, or seek trouble, though. When our daughter was actually doing well, the feeling rolling off her was of a car revving its engine at a stoplight. She really was an empathic, energetic teacher who got the biggest kick out of opening things up for her students to see...but she didn't get a charge out of being "normal," of going to work everyday and investing in stocks and paying the bills and figuring out what color for the drapes and carpet. And she even told us that, right? But who would believe that what happened next would ever happen in a million years? And when we did not enable...oh, what happened, then. So I think that, to answer my own question about whether I am somehow hooked in to a system of payoff in martyrdom...no. In fact, I respect myself and my children and my family and the life we created more than ever to consider this question, again. Tragedy is tragedy. It is real. Viciously real. I don't know what happened. Chances are that I was not a martyr person until I got mad about what I put in and the crummy, horrifying, always getting worse results. It is too easy to let ourselves fall into this other way of beating ourselves up for what is happening to our families. I like what Recovering tells us about taking very good care of ourselves, about teaching ourselves that we are kind and bright and good and worthwhile through cherishing and good self care. These are such hard paths to walk, for us and for our kids, too. Sometimes, the hardest thing is to trust ourselves enough to understand that we did alright. There are ten thousand ways the world will take us down. We are vulnerable to loss of belief in our selves, and in our own worth, because of what has happened to us and to our families. We need to acknowledge that, and we need to be strong enough to choose to honor and respect ourselves and even, our wayward kids, anyway. Which is a pretty tall order. But on the martyrdom / setting the kids up to fail so we could be martyrs...though that sounds just sick enough to be something that could happen, I think that is not correct. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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