Do you consider this stalking? What is stalking anyway?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, May 5, 2014.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I am having a philosophical discussion with my sister who I am talking to right now...lolol. And, really, she has this kind-of-a-boyfriend who has dated her (sort of) for three years. She is not allowed to meet his ex, his kids or anyone else because he says he'[s afraid it will traumatize his kids (who he treats like infants) if they know he is dating. H e has been divorced for nine years and his kids are 16 and 13.Until recently nobody even knew she existed. He is NOT still in love with his ex. He broke it off when she cheated on him and she begged him back, but he refused. He simply worries about his kids to the point of silliness (in my opinion). Like he won't let a perfectly normal sixteen year old girl stay home alone at night. That is grounds for him to break a date with Sis so that he can be with his daughter.

    She finally met somebody else, but is having trouble letting to of...let's call him Gnome. That's what I call him. I was very happy the day she broke up with him. But he won't let her break up with him and she is so in love/addicted to him that she can't see that he is acting peculiar about the breakup. Simply put, he won't let it happen. I might add, he is a very verbally abusive man who blacks out when he drinks and is alternately nice to my sister and cruel to her and who expects her to sit at home on nights he has custody of his kids. He is jealous of her going out even with her girlfriends, who he doesn't like, so she lies about it to him. Very dysfunctional, I know, but my question is about...what is stalking, not about that dysfunction, which I understand.

    Gnome will not let her go. He will text her literally twenty times a day. H e will call and tell her she is the only one and he can't live without her, although he never said this before she broke up with him. He showed up at her job when she refused to see him this weekend. He will NOT just let it go. Now I understand clearly that if my sister did not answer his texts he may go away. That isn't my question. She HAS responded to him, trying to tell him what he did wrong and that they are done and I'm sure that just fueled him on. But showing up at work because he can't see her any other way?

    I mentioned stalking and s he said no, she can't consider it stalking or him a stalker. Maybe I just dslike him so much that I am seeing this in a more extreme way. She has only been broken up from him a few weeks and I use "broken up" loosely as she agreed to see him once to here his side of the story and she does text him. But showing up at work? It's a pretty far drive.

    I don't need to hear that sister is encouraging him. I know that. She claims she wants him to leave her alone, yet she believes the stuff he tells her then tells me I was right when he does nothing that he promises to do. I get the sickness of it. But she DID tell him they were done. this stalking? What is stalking anyway?

    I realize there is nothing I can do to affect her choices about responding to him or not, but the stalking conversation got interesting as it was about "what is stalking anyway?" So what is it? What's your opinion? What is the legal definition? Anyone know?
    Last edited: May 5, 2014
  2. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Unwanted continuing contact. If she agrees to see him I don't think anyone would prosecute it as such. Like I'm pretty sure she would have to tell him not to follow her, text her contact her for the police to even try to do anything about it. But stalking to me is being told very up front I don't wish to see you and showing up where you are, calling, texting, emailing.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    She has said that their relationship is finished, and he won't stop contacting her. She should look up stalking laws in her state because they do differ from state to state. He sounds scary, and I feel sorry for his children.
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I don't know if it technically fits the definition of "stalking" because she's going back and forth so much and sending him mixed messages. But it perfectly fits the scenario of an abusive, controlling man who has lost the power and control over the woman he considers to be "his" and is desperate to get it back
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Well, the bottom line is, she can't leave him either. She does tell him to leave, which enrages him, and then she answers his texts and goes to see him. He is a very abusive man, but he is HER abusive man and I can't stop her from seeing him. It just boggles my mind that she'd still have contact with him.

    With all the mental health issues I've had, I did learn a lot in therapy and this would never happen in my world. It is almost comforting tot hink that the normal one is acting like her and I'm I'm kidding because I want good things for my sister, even when we don't speak. But, honestly, she seems less healthy than I am. Sometimes I look back and wonder if the ones who called me the black sheep were sicker than I was. Or at least even steven.

    Starting therapy at such a young age has been a Godsend for me. My sister has only just started.
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    If she engages him, or tries to reason with him, he takes the bait and thinks he has foot in the door. She has to put a stop to it. If someone was doing that to me, I would block the number. I would tell my job to refuse him entry and if he won't go, call the cops. If he showed up anywhere and bothered me, I would call the cops and I would keep pepper spray on me, in my hand, in my pocket. But I know this...if she tells him ONE TIME to leave her alone and he doesn't? She can call the cops and they will help her. She may be wishy washy about it and maybe she doesn't mind. I just know what I would do. This guy is so gross.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, it seems that she has made her choice. And you're right - the people who called you "blacksheep" had a problem. Perhaps you were the blacksheep. If so, it's because the rest of them were nuts and you chose not to be.