"Do you drink to drown your sorrows or your conscience"...

[lovemysons]

This line is taken from the movie Snow White and the Huntsman. husband and I saw this movie last night (for his 45th birthday date). I love this line from the movie and it REALLY got me to thinking about our difficult child addicts.

I know in the "4th Step" (of the 12 Steps in AA) one takes a personal moral inventory and then REVEALS it to another human being (sponser in most cases). It is very liberating, freeing and can give one the ability to accept themselves and any past "deviant" behavior that they may be eaten alive about in guilt. Often the response from the Sponser is "Oh, that again"...completely accepting of their "human experience" and just how commen it really is. Even though the difficult child addict/alcoholic may think in their own minds that they are the ONLY ones who ever said/did such a thing!

I DO wonder how many of our difficult child's ever made it to or past the 4th STep as it is a critical one.

LMS

 

[Nancy]

It's common in the recovery world to struggle over that 4th step and many say that until they did that step they did not accept sobriety. My difficult child never did her 4 th step and I knew then that she was not serious about recovery. I have been to many AA meetings where this same thing was discussed.

Nancy

 

[lovemysons]

It's so sad when our difficult child's can't get completely fearless and honest about themselves...and "clean house". And then they seem to only add guilt onto guilt until they do...sigh, giving them, seemingly, even MORE reason to drink and drug it.

Yep, that 4th Step is so very very important.
LMS

 

[AmericanGirl]

Lms...that is a great line!

My difficult child is on step 3. He came this week. Spent hours talking...he revealed a lot of difficult emotions and demons to me. Afterwards, he said how much better he felt because I didn't freak out. So, I guess he is starting to deal with some of the step 4-5 stuff.

It is so sad to think of how cruel we can be to ourselves...just heartbreaking. You want your children to love themselves and, when they don't, it can cripple them until they deal with those feelings.

 

[lovemysons]

Alabamagirl,
I can't tell you how thrilled I am for you and your son. It sounds like you handled your son's revelations with loving grace...and without shock, judgement or shame. How wonderful. I think you will find this to be a very bonding moment in your relationship with your son too.

And I absolutely agree...This disease does involve self-hatred and self-abuse. They do have a conscience and sadly try to blot it out as often as they can with alcohol and drugs until they "surrender"...Let go completely.

I visited my young difficult child in prison today with my daughter in law...He is reading self help books and learning. He is sounding more mature and was calm in his demenor. He got to meet his new baby girl for the very first time today. I have vivid beautiful moments now in my head of young difficult child holding her...very sweet, very kind and loving.
I think the past 6 months without alcohol or pain medications is doing him a world of good...and he has a certain gratitude even. He knows not everyone in there has anyone left on the "outside" that cares about them. He also knows that he has a life to look forward too...that his time is short there by comparison to others.

Maybe one day all of our difficult child's will receive the gift of sobriety and live the beautiful, rich, fullfilling life they were meant to have.

I have hope on this day.
LMS

 

[AmericanGirl]

LMS,

You wanna talk grace...look it up in the dictionary...see that picture? It is you.

So glad the visit went well. I'm praying he can hold on as the time passes and return to his family with sobriety and hope intact for all.

 

[lovemysons]

You are too sweet Alabamagirl, thank you.

Ya know, it's a funny thing...well, kind of sad.
I was having this conversation with my mom yesterday. She believes that young difficult child's mother in law as well as myself have done nothing but enable young difficult child and daughter in law for the past several years. She makes valid points. She talks to me about my low expectation level of young difficult child. How I think that without my help...he cannot make it.

See...Young difficult child was dxd at 14 with Bipoalr disorder. This was before my own diagnosis. So I have gone through years and years of vasilating between 2 thougths. One being that difficult child is sick...is somewhat handicapped. And the other trying to help and hope and GIVE with the idea that it would get him somewhere.

But my mother made some good points with me yesterday. SHe reminded me of my own troubled past. When husband was absent (5 yrs into our marriage) when I was on my way back to Tx from Pa with two little boys and a daughter I was carrying. I came to live with my mother and her then husband. She gave me 6 weeks to get it together...get a job, apartment, and get on with my life...alone.
Well, I HAVE Bipolar disorder...and yet, no one knew then...and NO ONE gave me any excuses. There were expectations of me rising out of the ashes despite my situation and getting on with life. And you know what...I DID.

My mom tells me...that my actions say to young difficult child "You can't" "you're not capable" "You can wallow and be a victim in life".

It is so hard for me to see that it is not "with-holding LOVE" that it is enabling. That it prolongs the disease and can lead to dire consequences (bad enough young difficult child is in prison now).

When I was growing up...My mother worked, went to school, had a social life. It was just the two of us, no dad. I often equated her behavior as very "selfish" and "self-centered". As a teenager...I was the "victim" of not having a father in my life. I felt "unworthy of being loved well" because my own father didn't care enough to know me or raise me. This "thinking lead to drinking".
I did eventually get the help I needed. And now when I look back...I can see, my mother didn't just "throw me to the wolves" so to speak. She BELIEVED in me...just like she believed in herself against the odds. She said, "LMS you can, you ARE capable, there is no excuse".

I HAVE to adopt this attitude...as must as it goes against the grain of all I have defined as "LOVE" as goodness, as "GRACE". I cannot "give" to this disease. I must "starve" it even. I must tell difficult child, you can find your way in this world, you can do this. And yet I still shake my head...as it doesn't make "loving sense" in my mind.

Anyway, been thinking alot about those words: Grace, Love, Giving. What does it all mean when it comes to really REALLY helping our Addict/Alcoholic difficult child's hit bottom, get help, heal, and get on with Living?

It is so hard, so painfully hard to parent these kiddo's correctly.
LMS