Do You Drive Your Kids to School?

[ML]

Currently I drive manster but when he starts middle school he may have to bus, depending upon whether I can open enroll him. The school outside our district is less than a mile away whereas the district one is 3 miles and has bussing. They just never redid the boundaries when the new school was built.

 

[Marguerite]

Jeppy, it very much depends on the circumstances, the child's capabilities and a lot of other factors. We pulled difficult child 3 out of mainstream because he simply wasn't coping with so many things, including the unsupervised non-classroom stuff (which includes getting to and from school). We initially transferred difficult child 3 to a more distant school. When he was still attending the local school we had him going by public transport. There was no feasible public transport to the highway school but a few parents carpooled.

If difficult child 3 had continued in mainstream to high school he would have done what his siblings did - used public transport except when it was practical for me to provide transport. However, I knew he would have been a huge target for local bullies - it was bad enough for the older three kids.

I would discuss this with your son and lay it all on the table - how much extra it costs in terms of your time and energy as well as the extra fuel costs. Under what circumstances it is better value (or better sense) for you to drive him instead of him using public transport - transporting a delicate science project is one possible reason. Or a different start time due to an extra class or a school excursion. The snob factor doesn't wash, but he could be using it as an excuse, there may be a more valid reason that he is too ashamed to tell you about - if he's being bullied, for example. He needs to be honest with you. If he is genuine about feeling that bus travel is too low class - well, praise him for being honest but explain to him that if you used that benchmark for everyone and everything in the family, there would be a lot of things you would all be doing differently and chances are it would also be costing you a lot more. The snob factor does have some validity in some circumstances - my mother always said that it was low class to eat at the table with a newspaper under your place; instead you should always use either a tablecloth with place neatly laid, or a placemat. If you ever use a newspaper, then you've really stopped caring...

We all have our standards.

In Australia, as a rule, the rich kids travel by public transport too. And the adults - difficult child 3's school principal, and deputy, travel by public transport. I know, because a couple of times I have travelled with them (and got a lift when we got to their station). I drive a lot, but mostly because I am disabled and can't walk far. Where I can, and where I know parking would be a problem, I use a combination of personal car and public transport.

Try and get your son into the mentality of "My other car is a..." and frankly, it's the air he projects that is more important than how he travels.

There's also "do to get" - if he's not using his time at school wisely, then maybe he needs to reconsider his level of commitment, especially if he's wanting you to make a greater commitment.
In other words, what are YOU getting out of any extra effort to take him to school? What can he do to make it worth your while to drive him? It would give him extra time - will he use that time to study?

If you drive him to school, then you are investing more in him and his education. That investment has to pay off or there's no point. He needs to learn that this is how the world works. Nobody owes him anything, Not at all.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

Marg is very right. Both about honestly discussing it with him and about nobody owing him anything at all. Not even you.

If he isn't willing to invest himself and his efforts in his studies, why would he think you would have any interest in taking him to school? Maybe you need to ask yourself, and him, this question. Be honest with him and tell him that with his attitudes you really don't feel inclined to do anything or drive anywhere or buy anything for him.

Do to get is an excellent way to put this to him, and to yourself. It is hard to stick to sometimes, but it is a good way to prepare him for adulthood.

 

[Jeppy]

We have discussed this - it is one of his favorite topics of conversation as he thinks he can wear me down. And it's always that he will future tense change and do to get, but there is no past indication of that. In December there was a whole week when he wouldn't go to school because he didn't like his haircut, even though at that point I was driving him. He's failing all his classes, getting detentions, and he thinks because he's not getting suspensions that he's making progress and therefore I should transport him. I just don't see it that way. He's 16 and by law I'm not obliged to see that he gets to school anymore and I've had enough.

Yesterday he spent five minutes max cleaning trash (all his except for small amount in the trash receptacle) out of the car and he said, "See? I'm being good." Yet when I asked him to shovel he wouldn't. It's like he's always trying to figure out what is the minimum he can do to make it look like he's putting forth an effort rather than really trying to change.

 

[Marguerite]

It's like he's always trying to figure out what is the minimum he can do to make it look like he's putting forth an effort rather than really trying to change

Has he been evaluated fro Asperger's? Because this sounds VERY familiar - the degree to which they will evaluate every little thing, constantly, negotiating and arguing constantly - some of it is typical teen, but there is an overlay in what you describe that sounds very familiar to me.

Marg

 

[susiestar]

This sounds SOOOOO very familiar to me. It drove me absolutely around the bend when Wiz lived with us. Heck, even the whole "cleaned out his own junk from the car and thought he deserved a flippin' medal of valor for it" (how I used to describe the battles to get him to clean out the car) negotiation.

IF you are not responsible for getting him to school, then maybe it is time to learn the smile and nod bobblehead routine. Over on Parents Emeritus it is a technique that comes with detachment. Let him handle school and school troubles on his own. Since all you get out of the whole interaction about school is a headache, smile and nod with whatever his latest scheme is, ask politely (IF you care to comment) "how will you do that?" and then go about YOUR business.

Wish I had some magic technique to get past the arguing and negotiating. My mom taught my son to negotiate as a toddler. She thought it was a RIOT when he would negotiate consequences at age 2. When we sent him to live with her at 14 she was a LOT let amused by this.

You have all of my sympathies.

 

[Kjs]

My difficult child is a sophomore at a "choice" high school. It is about 5.5 miles away. However, the district school "his home school" is a block away. They have school busses at school every morning to bus the kids to his school. And again at 9am for those who take classes at his school. at 1pm a bus goes back to the district school for those who take classes there. My difficult child takes a class at the district school. he could have taken them at the other school. Anyway yes I drive him. He could very well get out the door and walk to his bus. But he doesn't. Many times I told him I am not driving him. Take the bus. He does then. But that means he has to get up earlier. So, I try to wake him and he doesn't crawl out of bed until it is too late for the bus.

Next semester all classes will be at his school. They bus him home at the end of the day. He wants me to pick him up. I do sometimes, but not too often.

difficult child has this depersonalization issue going on that bother his ears. Always had this ear problem. Everything is real loud and echoy. So, he can only take so much of the bus.

The new one is to ride with one of his friends who just got their license. I am afraid. Too fast, icy, snow...I will just drive. It isn't in the city so I worry about kids driving.

I know that doesn't help you much. But Yep I drive. Wish I didn't.

 

[Jeppy]

No, he hasn't been diagnosis'd with Asperger's, but several counselors, social workers, etc. have told him to get to the main points and not argue about minutiae.

 

[SRL]

We live a little less than a mile from the high school but I drive everyday. School starts at 7:15am and since it's so early I'd rather him get the extra sleep than get up and walk. Doubly so since he often has evening band activities. He walks home on nice weather days/days when he doesn't have to lug his (large) instrument home.

The junior high is a very short walk so I don't drive there unless it's a very early or nighttime band rehearsal.

The elementary school is about 3/4's of a mile. Typically I drove them in the morning and had them walk home only when they wanted. Our days always went better when their transitions to and from school were better so it was worth my time.