Do you have Friends in Real Life?

[TerryJ2]

Wow. This is awful.

And yes, I have many good friends. I am very lucky, but frankly, it's hard work. You have to give to get.

I am also lucky in that I have put a lot of hard work into my marriage, which isn't 100% perfect, but coming to that conclusion, and accepting imperfect friendships, an imperfect marriage, and allowing myself to be imperfect have improved my life immeasurably.

That, and Effexor have helped. And exercise. And counseling. Did I mention chocolate?

Oh, and as many others have said, compartmentalizing friendships.

And one more thing--difficult child is old enough and responsible enough to stay home alone now. And easy child is in college, and even in summer she is rarely at home. What freedom!!!!! She and difficult child don't fight any more. I never thought I'd see the day.

I'm not sure which of those is the most important.

Somewhere along the way, I learned to talk about difficult child to the right people, and stopped talking to my so-called best friend, who has no children and is utterly clueless when it comes to someone with-special needs. Not only that, but she has spent 20 yrs in the sheriff's dept and her life view is skewed, at best. She is a fun party person, and can be very supportive when she wants to be, but we've also been through some very rough times due to her lack of perspective and her temper. The most she could offer me was that difficult child was going to jail. (Said in a loud, mean voice.) After being on this board (with you, MY FRIENDS, which makes this thread a moot point, by the way, LOL!) I realized that she was an advocate for me, but not for difficult child. And then later, I realized that by not being an advocate for difficult child, she was also not an advocate for me. And I distanced myself.

I have deliberately branched out. Not easy for me, an introvert. So I use "excuses" like my art, church, volunteering to paint murals at the SPCA, attending fundraisers. I did not branch out at difficult child's school last yr because I wasn't sure he'd stay. Now that he is staying, I am paying more attention to the moms and dads and taking down ph numbers.
Some people are naturally friendlier than others and I can test them out by dropping a few hints about kids or just rolling my eyes about having a boy, and then I see how receptive they are. When I get a positive reaction, like, "OMG, TELL me about it! I was up at 2 a.m. fishing my son's PS2 out from underneath his bedcovers!" I hear a little "ca-ching!" and I offer my biz card and that's the beginning.

Also, I have a friend who is getting a divorce, and I have taken time away from my family to be with-her when she needs to talk. My husband isn't pleased sometimes but it's not like he's going to tie me to the front door or anything. This friend came over one night when difficult child sort of ran away (long story short, some of you may remember yrs ago that he was having a hissy fit at Boy Scouts, refused to go in the bldg, I faked that I was leaving in the car, drove around the block, he was gone ... for an hr ... I panicked ... he walked home in the dark by himself, I nearly had a heart attack, we both learned a lesson.) Friend J sat with-me on the couch while I blew my nose and went through a box of tissues, hating and loving my difficult child and myself, not knowing who I hated the most and why everything in life was so hard.
Sometimes friend J and I don't see one another for a cpl wks but we both write poetry so we at least get together for readings once a mo, and celebrate bdays together. (And living with-difficult child gives me plenty of ideas for poems, to be sure!)
Unfortunately, she is considered a flake by my other former-best friend, so I have to keep them separate, and try to compartmentalize and not become angry that all my friends don't mix well. I am lucky to have friends. Period.

Also, difficult child is old enough now that he doesn't interfere with-us if we have friends over. We have him come downstairs and say hello, but do not otherwise pressure him into attending any social events. We have learned the hard way that it's usually not worth it, and to chose our battles.

My little sister is a good friend, too. She can be a flake, and is totally disorganized, but she has superior emotional intelligence and boundless energy, and between her networking and my attention to detail, we make a good pair. She's the one who referred me to AlAnon.

Our local autism group hasn't met lately. I thought I'd hit upon something great with-them (I found them online, in a Meetup group), but some of them know one another from other activities and it's hard to break in. And some of them are just there are information gatherers and are not interested in friendships. So I'm still working out the kinks on that one.

 

[TerryJ2]

P.S. WW--from all the replies here, I can certainly see that you hit a nerve.

 

[BeachPeace]

Sadly I can feel myself slipping away from my in real life friends. It is just too hard when sometimes you are just trying to get through the day with no one hurt ..... including me.

 

[ryzgal]

wow, I logged on today with 2 specific topics in mind. one was the friend thing. all of your responses have been so helpful!

I have found one TRUE friend, who has been with me through a lot of the stuff with my difficult child for the last years. Our boys are best friends. Her son is a easy child, but she has always been kind, understanding, considerate, helpful etc and NEVER judgemental. I have lost many friends, I won't say because of difficult child, but because of my inablitiy to relate to others with their own children, and from being hurt after being stabbed in the back after sharing personal issues. Sadly many of the people who turned out to be untrustworthy were people I considered "sisters in Christ" at the church I worked for.
Having a child with ODD who consistently rejects religion was especially hard when being a christian and having a job where I was a worship director for the children's department. Anyways, since then I became even more untrusting of people, and therefore withdrew even more from social events. My son has one best friend and maybe a handful of other "friends" and he sticks to himself a lot, so it was easy to avoid social situations with him. I do feel bad for not maybe forcing him to be more outgoing, and being more of a joiner in athletic things. But I thought i was respecting his indiviuality and personality. Now I see it was probably an easy excuse as well.
We moved to a state away from all our family, but the family we do talk to (just husband parents) don't really get it, and think it is a discipline problem. Which might be the most irritating thing ever. I have a couple friends who live back there, and while I love them dearly, I don't think they even have a clue what I'm talking about when I divulge any problems I'm facing. I get a lot of advice (some out of love, some out of them just thinking they know best!) but ithe advice still boils down to either not being christian enough, not being a good enough parent etc.
I considered looking up a group that is local here, just to get together and meet some parents. but then chickened out lol

Thanks again for all of you out there, just being here on this board and sharing your experiences is more helpful and appreciated than I can express!

Hugs
Stac

 

[tictoc]

I have a few in real life friends...Several locally and two good friends from the past, who do not live here. We just returned from a long weekend away, where I got to see one of my old friends and just hang out!

My friendships have really changed over the past two years, as difficult child's problems have worsened. A lot of people just didn't stick around when difficult child's issues got bad. And, I had to 'dump' some of those who did because they were too judgmental, too critical, or just too toxic.

But, I have managed to make some new friends along the way and some people who were just acquaintances before really came through for me when our problems were at their worst. So, those people have become good friends. All of my newer friends, without exception, have a difficult child somewhere in their lives, either their child, spouse, or a sibling.

 

[TerryJ2]

Judgmental. Ugh. Way too many people like that.

Stac, I hope you have found a new church by now! Talk about toxic. Not to mention hypocritical. There are so many churches out there, you don't need people like that.

After reading all of these notes, it occurred to me that despite all we have been through, I am my difficult child's best friend. Sometimes I'm his only friend.
Sigh.

 

[DDD]

As a senior citizen who still works full time I have/had one peer friend. She retired less than two hours away and we both looked forward to frequent visits.

Not!

She has one granddaughter in her town. Beautiful and extremely bright little girl who had Gramma as her sitter until age three or four. Ironically, and sadly, it
turns out she has multiple difficult child issues and now my one
friend has her life absorbed with tdocs, psychiatrists, etc. etc.

She was always sympathetic and supportive of me & the difficult children. Now she says "I thought I understood. Now
I know how stressful difficult children are!" Sad.True. DDD

 

[barneysmom]

Interesting and timely topic for me. I have two close friends in real life -- one in my town, and one on the other side of the country. I have friends at work whom I love and are dear to me, but we don't socialize outside of work.

I spent a weekend away a few months ago with my in real life friend from my town. I was so angry and anxious and exposed about our current situation with gfg17 that I was like a raw nerve. I didn't have a handle on my emotions. Usually I isolate at times like these. I probably should have. I tried so hard not to talk about gfg17 but it just spilled out, and the anger and anxiety too. I was overly harsh with her a few times. Two weeks and no phone calls later, my friend emailed and said it had been like one long therapy session. I knew this and freely admitted it.

Anyway I know we will "make up" eventually.

Next time I'll wise up and isolate like usual :~) Recently when things REALLY weren't going well -- the worst they've ever been -- I felt like I just had to get home and get my favorite pillow over my head, or lose it right out in public!

I seem to have cycles too -- where I am energized, then exhausted. Hard to be consistent. Working on it. I do like friends. I'm sociable and like to have fun! I've been worrying about isolating lately. I'm glad it's something that many of us face, not just me.

 

[graceupongrace]

I agree with so many of you that it is difficult to maintain friendships in real life. Many people with PCs take disproportionate credit for their kids' accomplishments, and so are quick to assume that if our kids have problems, our parenting skills are defective. (This line of thinking makes my therapist absolutely livid, by the way!) I can't tell you how many times I've told so-called friends about difficult child's antics and they've said, "Don't you think you need to tell him he can't do that?!" or "He needs to learn that he can't behave that way." As if it never occurred to me to try to correct his behavior. Ugh! Don't ask me why they don't look at easy child and say, "Great job!"

The bottom line is that our struggles make people uncomfortable. And people who haven't experienced the pain of raising a difficult child generally don't have much empathy for what we go through day-to-day.

I am grateful that this board is here for people who "get it." I don't post much about difficult child, but I know that I can come here and feel that I'm a small part of a group of people who understand and care. And I care about all of you, even though I don't always verbalize those feelings.

 

[timer lady]

Another parent who has become increasingly isolated over the years. I will say, though, as kt & wm hit 15 I began expanding my "real world" friends. I need human contact.

This does hit a raw nerve for many of us. Starting my 11th year with the tweedles with the loss of husband just 18 or so months ago I had to step back & re-evaluate things. I spent far too much time arguing diagnosis's, IEPS, ect when I should have been seeking a working solution (i.e. common sense day to day survival skills). The diagnosis's came anyway, the IEPs worked themselves out & I lost valuable time with my life partner as well as important one on one time with kt &/or wm.

Yep, raw nerve. Take time, if you have it, to call someone today, just to catch up.