Do you think my mom stresses me out?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, May 28, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Checked my blood pressure about 20 minutes after she got here: 166/100

    20 minutes after she left: 138/86

    You be the judge.

  2. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

  3. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Maybe a nip before she comes over next time?:wine:

    Failing that, how 'bout some demerol?:nurse:
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You know, I love my mom. And she and I are really close.

    But when she comes here it's just this whirlwind. There's just so much chaos with the kids and she's always trying to do a million different things. And she ALWAYS walks into my house and starts cleaning. I mean, my house could be spotless and she'd clean. She was living in NJ and drove 8 hours to visit, got to my house and there were 2 - count them, 2!!! - dishes in the sink and she fills the sink to wash them. After driving for 8 hours! And now that I can't keep up with the house like I used to - it's not bad...just some small areas of clutter and needs dusting - it just stresses me even more when she does this. I guess it's more how I react to it than anything else - or how it makes me feel - but it makes me nuts.

    And the kids are all vying for her attention and everyone's talking and with my cognitive stuff I can't filter it out and it just sounds like a lot of noise.

    I enjoy visiting with her much better over the phone. Or without the kids.

    There's a reason I live 45 minutes away from her.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Some people, my mother in law included, are just nervous cleaners. Unfortunately, I completely missed out on THAT gene... or maybe it just mutated when I married husband, 'cuz my apartment NEVER looked like my house does now!

    No doubt the kids contribute immensely to the chaos. Maybe you should meet her at a half-way point for coffee by yourself instead?
  6. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    LoL about the cleaning. When I had the emergency intestinal surgery, the hospital called my mom as I had her down on a contact card in my wallet (medic-alert card).

    I nearly had a coronary when she walked into my hospital room. Mind you, this woman was over 70 years old and while I am not a good housekeeper, it's not like you are at risk of food poisoning walking into the place.

    I got out of the hospital to find that not only had she scrubbed the place from top to bottom, but she'd rearranged my entire place to her liking!

    That included, since she is 5' tall to my 5'7", moving all the staples and canned goods and stuff down to the lower shelves so she could reach them.

    She then proceeded to nurse me for six weeks solid, not allowing me to lift a damned finger the entire time and making sure I stuck rigidly to the prescribed diet.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Well, at your mother DOES something. Mine would just walk in and make comments -- "is your dishwasher full?" "do you need a new vac". This went on for years! Finally, I started doing the same thing to her. I'd notice a speck of dust and ask if I should go to the store and get her some Pledge. A dish in the dishwasher meant her dishwasher needed to be emptied. After a year of this, she finally commented on how nitpicky I'd become and how it was making her miserable. I give her my you've got to be kidding look. She stared. The light bulb went off. "OMG, I've been doing that to you for years, haven't I? I'm so sorry!" She still does it but will catch herself and stop mid-sentence.

    Maybe you should invite your mom over and ask her to help you clean once a month. She knows you're ill and, if she's like me, would love to be able help in this way.

    As to the kids and grandma situation, you'll just have to get over that one and just be happy they want to spend the time with her. Just make sure she's fair and equal in the time spent with each. (If she's not, then you need monopolize her.)

    In the meantime, you survived until the next time she comes to visit. At least it IS 45 minutes away.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    When she does the dishes and such, try to remember she's just being a Mom and trying to help out, not judging your cleaning. Even if it's not true (my Mom's case lol) it does help to look at it that way. And after that long a trip it actually feels good to get up and move.

    As for the chaos that comes with it.......Yep, everytime my Mom comes over. Although it has much toned down since the kids are now grown. We actually have conversations these days during her visits.

    When it gets really bad though I keep telling myself it would be worse if I went back home to visit her. Then I not only have the chaos at her house, but she's dragging me to every relative I have house to visit as well. ugh

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Enjoy your mom's attention. I'd give anything if my mom would walk in my door & start cleaning again. I used to complain - I learned to accept it. It was my mom's way. Didn't matter who's home she entered - she was there & needed to do something.

    As for the chaos - I thought grandma's always brought chaos with them.

    Toward the end, I learned to have a bottle of wine ready to open when mom walked in. We'd enjoy a glass of wine together & she'd do her thing. I'd would help or if she didn't need or want help I'd sit at my island & just visit while she fussed about my kitchen.

    I miss it so much. I hope you can learn to relax & enjoy your mom's visits.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ahhh, the grass is always greener. When I read your post all I could think was, "I would love it if my mom cleaned up a bit when she was here."

    My mom is the ultimate spoiled brat and difficult child. When she's at any one of her children's homes she expects to be waiting on hand and foot. And it's not only because she's old and slightly debilitated. She's always been like this. Even when we lived at home she was always sending us to get the mail, pick up the paper, get her a glass of water, a bowl of ice cream, do the dishes, scrub the bath, any chore or errand for her.

    A typical day with mom at my house...I will be enjoying a peaceful cup o' joe in the kitchen before work. Mom will shuffle down the hall, sit down and ask me (in a begging type of voice) to make her a cup of coffee & some toast. I get up, make the coffee, get her a slice of quiche (I always have to have it around when she's here or she will eat toast all day) and we chat. I go to work; when I come home at lunch, I have to make her a lunch. The kitchen is usually a mess because she's been grazing all morning. I go back to work. When I get home, my feet barely make it past the threshold and she asks, "What are you fixing for dinner? I have to eat you know, I'm on a schedule because of my diabetes....blah blah blah"......and lets not even go into the bathroom situation (I have to clean it with bleach at least 5/6 times a day!). I also have to help her shower, dress, etc., change & launder her sheets every day, etc.

    I think I would faint if my mother lifted a finger for anything other than putting food into her mouth. And I'm not being mean. I love my mom, I do all of this and consider it a gift to be able to care for her in her old age. I'm just saying...:crazy1:

    Your mom sounds more like my mother in law - ugh....don't even get me started.

    Sending hugs and sympathy. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I tend to use a bit more xanax when either women visit my house. It helps to keep me calm.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I like the idea of a bit of wine b4 her visit. Or, if it's too early, I have a recipe for Brandy Crepes I can give you ...

    My mom never actually cleaned, and if she did, we would have heard about it for the next yr. We would have "owed" her and were always ungrateful. It never occurred to me to test my blood pressure but considering the headaches I got when she was around, there's no doubt there was a clear connection.

    So sorry it's so stressful. Maybe you could talk to her and tell her you'd rather just chat over a cup of coffee ...
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I read this yesterday and wasn't sure what to respond- I kind of chuckled. My Mom spent years visiting and started and ended each visit and continuously told me "you need to do this" and "you need to do that" and "well, you just need to take care of such-and-such". So, finally I told her, as nicely as I possibly could and with a little smile (Lord knows it WAS NOT a smirk) that if she saw something that she felt needed to be done, would she just please do it hersself because it appeared to me that she had more free time than I do.

    She did, but my glasses aren't in the cabinet that I wanted them and my Mom hasn't been to visit in a while. :(

    Maybe I should try the wine next time....
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yup. That's the part I never got--the issue of time. She had five kids and lots of work around the house, ergo, she was a housewife. She did some committee work. She golfed. She bowled.
    But being a housewife was her main thing. As adults, ALL of us kids worked, even with-kids. She never "got it," that when you work 40+ hrs a wk, AND have kids and a husband, AND dogs, AND volunteer for things, some parts of the house are going to be less than perfect. And you're not always going to be able to return phonecalls in a timely manner.
    I hope I'm not like that with-my daughter. I highly doubt it. As an artist whose idea of cleaning is shoving a pile from one end of the room to the other (this is easy child I'm talking about), I think her house will be just as messy, with-painting projects going on all over the place. Now, if she wants help with-a painting, I can DO that! AND the wine!
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    It's just that she comes in and takes over. Completely. She always has. I've tried talking to her about it and she just gets hurt or mad and it's just easier (I think?) to let her do as she does.

    But, yesterday she knew I didn't feel good. It was a planned visit and she was taking me grocery shopping because it's too hard to do myself. I had been up all night with leg pain and didn't get to sleep til after 6:30 am. Then around 9:00 am my neighbor was out with a chainsaw. :bloodshot: So I was tired. And I just felt unwell all day. She asked if I wanted to reschedule but I was already up, I was showered, I was dressed, I had plans with her I wanted to do it.

    Then she gets here. And she decides that she wants to give easy child a haircut since she probably won't see him again before he goes to his dad's. That's fine. But, knowing in advance would be nice because easy child had plans and then I had to tell him that he needed to do this, yada, yada, yada. Then she starts doing this, then that, then this, then that. And easy child's girlfriend was here and my mom...I tell ya, she should be on government payroll as an interrogator. I'm the kind of person that doesn't ask a lot of questions. I don't want to pry and if people want to share something they will. Not my mom. And easy child's girlfriend is pretty quiet. Very nice girl, but shy. She didn't stand a chance with mom. :please:

    And now I sound ungrateful. :embarrassed:I'm not. I guess it's just issues that go way back with her wanting to take over things in my life. She can be pretty....hmmmmm....overbearing? I've had to really stand my ground to maintain boundaries. It's taken some pretty firm measures on my part.

    I always look forward to visiting, but I'm always feel like I've run a marathon when she's here. I'd just like to visit and not have this whirlwind.

    Ok. So, I'm a completely horrid daughter. Sigh...
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    No, you're not horrid. Just not feeling well and the daughter of a very nervous and controlling woman who doesn't know any other way to be.

    I still say meet at a coffeeshop at the half-way point next time...