Does anyone else feel this way??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by piper, Oct 20, 2009.

  1. piper

    piper New Member

    Hello. This is all so new to me. I have never posted here, but could use some advice. I have a 6 year old who was diagnoses with ADHD and ODD last summer. He is on medications, but still struggles...mostly with behavior. He is so impulsive. Last week another boy in his kindergarden class told him to pull down a girls pants...he did it...and now the principle and teacher want to meet. Sometimes I feel like everyone is looking at me as if I am a horrible mom.....I am trying. We work so hard with him to keep him on the right track...does it ever get easier?? Am I the only one who feels like they have a neon sign above their head that says "Judge me!!". I am just not sure what else to do....any suggestions??
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hi, piper, and welcome.

    You aren't the only one. I did a whole lot of fighting with administrations, teachers, etc. when Miss KT first started school. I was lucky in that they (eventually!) listened to me. I was also a single parent at the time, and was a full-time student, earning my teaching credential. Wow...unemployed, single parent in school. More things to pass judgment on.

    There are days I still feel like a horrible mom. There are still days where everything is a battle. But overall, yes, it does get better.
  3. TPaul

    TPaul Idecor8

    Dear Piper,
    Welcome to the board!! There are many here that completely understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through with you 6 yo. You might want to put some info in your siggy to help others know a little about you and what kinds of medications your difficult child is on.

    Again welcome
    T. paul
  4. tictoc

    tictoc New Member

    Welcome to the club...My difficult child's kindergarten year (last year) was so awful. It felt like it would never end. I felt like a social pariah. For the first semester, none of the other parents even spoke to me. They clearly thought husband and I were horrible parents. By the end of the first semester, several parents were even trying to have difficult child kicked out of the class (they started a petition). Their behavior, ironically, won us some allies among the other parents.

    Anyway, it does get better. It really does. Something will help. You just have to figure out what it is. It might not be a permanent 'fix,' but you will get some answers and some hope. My difficult child only attends school for four hours a day now and has a full-time aide, but he is doing so well in first grade. He is succeeding socially, which is huge for us. We had several medication disasters last year, had to take him out of K for six weeks to work on medication issues, and know that additional diagnosis's could be coming our way, but for now he is doing well. I think it can be hard to accept that you have to be okay with things being okay for the moment and not looking too far ahead. That is hard for me, but that is what we try to do.

    And, don't let the other parents get you down. Get involved with the school and be a presence there. Your child has a right to be there, too. School isn't just for PCs.

    Good luck.
  5. iloveturtles

    iloveturtles Guest

    I feel that way some days more than others.

    I feel like we take two steps forward and then 3 steps backwards. Some how though we are making progress.
  6. bearded one

    bearded one New Member

    No, you're not the only one that feels as if they are being judged a horrible parent. I get those vibes from difficult child's teachers, from his friends parents, from folks at church. You can almost hear them saying 'why don't they discipline that little brat?'. Well, we have including spanking, none of which works. It's especially frustrating when you have two adult children that you successfully raised to be healthy, well educated and happy.....and then you have for your last child this difficult child. :(
  7. mrose

    mrose New Member

    Hey, Piper

    I just found this place today and I have to tell you, you are so not alone. I know the feeling of walking into that office feeling like you have failed in someway that your difficult child is not turning out the way you thought to have all those eyes on you like you dont do anything about the bad behavior or having them look at you like you have a devieant difficult child. Its hard its really hard to get the school and or doctors to listen sometimes it took me 6 yrs to get someone to understand my difficult child. Hang in there. It does get better :)
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi Piper,

    Well I used to feel that way. Most recently my son was placed into therapeutic foster care with (lemme look at the verbage here so I get it right) The state's most loving and accomodating therapeutic foster parents - they've won Foster parent of the week three times last year. (I'm thinking small agency to be frank). So when we allowed Dude to go live with them and they met us - they were very judgemental of us. Had us pegged for looser parents and it was really uncharacteristic of what we thought were "foster parents of the week" because they also told us they WERE Holy rollers. (Um...where's the part about forgiveness in that?) So anyway I smiled and was polite as they told us how they love kids, and have helped so many and my fiance of 10 years and I nodded and explained how our then 171/2 year old son had been in numerous psychiatric hospitals, Residential facilities, Group homes, had attempted suicides, was a convicted felon and out on strict probation, had been kicked out of middle school, adult Ed, and while he was a straight A student, was not welcome back to High School, had been black listed from every day care in a bi-county area, and we had been in therapy for close to 10 years twice a week - and family therapy, anger management, parenting classes, NAMI, Federation of Families, actively involved in legislation to promote bills and laws to change mental health, education committees to promote awareness for mentally ill, marches for mentally ill, mental health camps, day camps, encopresis work shops, read so many books that we actually started a lending library for under privledged parents so they too could read some of the books that maybe they couldn't afford....and despite ALL that? Could not manage this child at home even with Wrap services, in home schooling, tutors, and drop in counselors three times a what did THEY think they could bring to the table?

    He said - Love. Love and prayer. I said "Mister if you think I haven't prayed every day for this kid and you have some other prayer - or a direct line to God - please have at it." Then he said "And I have patience." and he sat back in his chair and smiled as if to say we had none. I sat back and smiled too and I said "I wish you well in all sincerity I do."

    It's been less than 1 1/2 years...and they're through. They've thrown him out with less than 2 weeks notice. Actually they were through after 9 months but needed the foster money. About 2300 a month to be precise. He's been out of work - and well - that's about the jist of it. And as far as them telling ME that I'm more patient than Job or that I really AM a good Mom? Yup...I finally got "I have no idea how you've managed this long Ms. Star." And here's the kicker.....He's better NOW than he's EVER been in his life....OMG - if they would have had him at 10-14? They'd be dead. Literally. I had a stroke. No kidding.

    As far as anyone thinking or judging me? Hon- lemme tell ya this much. I tell people I have a rhino skin suit. I have a heart. It's a good one. I understand other people WAY more than I ever did because of what I've been through with my son. I have more compassion than 5 people I know and I'm the last person I know to whip out the judgement pole...anymore. I like that about me now. I like that I've never BEEN part of the group. I like that my kid CUT the real friends I have from the proverbial herd. Your real friends will be there. Your childs REAL educators and REAL teachers and REAL helpers will be there no matter WHAT he does and won't eject him or REJECT him. So you have to learn how to put that rhino suit on, hold your head high and become a warrior Mom. The only one he has doing that for him right now? Is you. If you ALLOW others to walk on him - you're doing it too. HE HAS A DISABILITY - if he were in a wheel chair or had crutches - they would have pity - since his disability is invisible? You have to make them see it. He's not a brat....he's got a disability. It's not a's a disability. IT HAS A NAME. CONDUCT DISORDER. It's a real DISABILITY - it's an emotional disability. It IS DOES take a near lifetime to correct the patterns in his brain - but you have to toughen up....and forget about the neon sign that says OPEN FOR ABUSE KICK ME NOW...and put on the new sign that says DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT MESSING WITH THIS MOM. :mad:

    As far as embarrassing? Yeah -well I've said this and I mean it...someday I'm going to take a picture....and the more you're here the more you'll know I'm not lying. At this point in my life with what I've been through I'm not sure I can be embarrassed. I could peel a maxi pad and paste it on my forehead and walk through Walmart on a Saturday and not be phased. The other day I saw a rival girl - she put a disposable diaper on HER head and walked through the grocery store....and I thought - THERE's a girl who must have a difficult child brother at home. ;) Atta GIRL - poopy head.

    When you feel alone? Come here. You're not. If you were this board would not have what like....3k members? Something like that I think. Not all at once. - Kinda like days. I can take bad days - if they don't all attack at once. And you'll get through this...some days will be worse than others, and the medications? Oh yeah....about that (makes face) um.....they won't cure him and some days they won't even help him. Dude was on 65 different medications over 13 years and they were of no help to him at all. So we finally said - whatever. And he's medication free now at 19. I can't tell the difference of him on or off any of them. I wish he'd continue counseling - but after 13 years of it 2x a week? I can't blame him for taking a break with that either and he's exchanged it for 2x a week in church...

    Hope this helps - welcome to the board.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    oh and p.s.

    I never say anything behind someones back that I wouldn't say to their face which is good because in 7th grade the principal had it OUT for Dude and really made a big stink over a little girl's purse and had Dude arrested for breaking the strap after she hit him with it.

    I was standing with a bunch of women not to long ago and someone mentioned this principals name. I had nothing nice to say so I kept my mouth shut and upon being pushed and pushed I finally said "Well if you MUST know I think the man lacks patience to be an educator and is a sorry excuse for principal. Further and personally I think he is a Jack A." and the principal stepped from beind the group of women and said "Always nice to see a familar face." and kept right on walking. I said "Glad to see he knows when he's not wanted."

    Principals are not Gods - they are people who have bad days, and make poor decisions just like the rest of us. The choices that particular man made regarding my sons year at his school were based solely on personal likes. He knew it. When it came time for him to be accepted into a group where his opinion could or could not be valued? I chose not to allow him in. He left. I wasn't sorry. Despite what he did to my son on this particular instance I didn't have it in me to be the bigger person. His decisions were the beginning of my sons career with the Department of Juvenile Justice system and could have been avoided completely - had he taken time to do his job properly. Even the Father of the little girl who hit my son with the purse did not want to press charges when Dude grabbed the purse to keep from being hit and the straps broke. The man was, and still is...a Jack A.

    So keep that story in mind when you are up against these people in school that have no clue what YOU are up against at home with your child. Educate them...and either they'll get what you tell them or they won't. If they don't? You can't make them understand. If they do? Work with them finding a common goal which is to get your son an education in the least restrictive environment possible.

    But don't let them bully you or him.

    (okay off my soap box)
  10. lmf64

    lmf64 New Member

    NO, you are not alone! I've felt that way for the last 13 years. My son was about 3 when he began to act out. There were a few families in the day care who had compassion and he wasn't asked to leave because he had a teacher who had a background in psychology who loved my son, but there were many others who had 'issues' with his behaviors especially after he turned 4.
    When he was 4 he attended head start 4 days a week. I will never forget the day his Head Start teacher came to me with tears in her eyes asking me if it was okay if she referred him for an evaluation. She truely loved my son and she was so worried I'd be angry with her for asking about the referral. I hugged her and said Thank You. It took a couple more years before we finally got a diagnosis, but she helped put the wheels in motion.
    Star is the role model for rhino skin use. She has very sage advice in her post/s.
  11. lizzie09

    lizzie09 lizzie

    OMG YES! Stars post is incredible!

    A warrior mum definitely.

    I have found from hearing friends talk about fostering that it is
    a moneymaking exercise a lot of the time with conceited, opinionated
    people putting themselves forward to do it. No added experience .

    This is a lovely forum full of kindness....take heart.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I was thinking about you today, and hope it has been a better one for you and your lovely son.

    I want you to think about this the next time you feel like everyone is looking at you like you are a horrible Mom.

    A Mother in the handicapped spot at a grocery store, lowers the motorized ramp on her van and rolls out her seemingly severely retarted and physically disfigured child. The child is yelling and flailing. The Mother appears calm and continues to strap the child in her wheelchair and work the levers to roll the ramp up.

    You're six years old and have never seen this before - what goes through your mind? Do you understand what is wrong with the little girl? Do you think immediately something is WRONG with the little girl? Are you a little afraid of the little girl and her loud voice, yelling and flailing?

    Fast Forward to now....same picture.....same scene....same questions.

    Different answers. Why? Because you've experienced seeing handicapped people in wheelchairs that have her level of disability. It's no longer unusual, frightening, and it's not wrong - it just IS. There's nothing wrong with her parents. She has a disability and she has parents that love her.
    She's a kid...probably a really nice and funny kid. Probably has really tired and loving parents.

    Sometimes when people see our kids - they have NO idea what they are seeing or they are seeing this particular disability for the very first time. Here's where you get the opportunity to say - "Isn't Conduct Disorder a wonderful disability?, or YOu just gotta LOVE ADHD, or.....YOu know we were wondering when the Autism was going to show." and while there is nothing FUN about a disability - it' doesn't have to be all bitter either. People will remember what you say and go home and google it too. - "She said CONDUCT DISORDER - MY word what is THAT?" and belive me - you get a lot more respect being open than trying to hide it." You wouldn't hide crutches or a wheel chair? And you can't hide a tantrum....I know I've tried....blankets are just useless.

    Disabilities don't have to be SEEN to be a disability.....emotional disabilities like conduct disorders are real. ADHD is real. Bi-Polarism, is real. Autism is real. Schizophrenia is real. They are all disabilities, they all affect people. People have parents....and some parents love their kids a lot, and some parents who love their kids A LOT are just people who are tired.

    Not bad parents....just people.

    Unplug the neon....join the group.....we'll leave a light on for ya - (won't be neon though) lol.

    I'm just a parent too....(and if I HAVE to be a spice girl I'd prefer not to be Sage - I'd like to be something like Cinnamon or Pumpkin - :tongue:)
  13. bramblewoodbabydoll

    bramblewoodbabydoll Ambiguous Witch

    I know how you feel... let those silly people keep their judgements, Im gonna keep my kids;)

    We've come a long way but its been worth it, Sniper is turning out great despite the number of times I was told if I would just spank him and be a good disciplinarian there'd be no need to parade him around on drugs with this imaginary disorder that is really not ADHD but bad parenting. It gets better, in fact, its getting better all the time.

    Sprite is my main struggle at the moment. But she has altogether different problems.

    Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming :tongue:
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    It's late and I'm tired and going to bed, but before I do I just wanted to send you a big giant HUG and tell you that I'm another one who knows you're not alone.

    Try and keep things in perspective. Your boy is only 6 - he is ONLY SIX YEARS OLD. He's still so open to suggestion by anyone, especially his little peers. I remember being 6 and boys paying the girls .05 to climb on the they could look up our skirts. We didn't know what they were doing - we were so innocent but we did it because we wanted that nickel. lol~

    Just because your son has those diagnosis, doesn't mean he has a scarlet letter on his forehead. He's still just a little boy who's figuring stuff out just like other little boys. Keep that in mind as you go into your meeting.

    Don't allow the school administrators to judge him (or YOU!) based solely on this one innocent incident. Remind them that he's still a person and that he's still a little boy. It would be wrong for them to pigeonhole your son into the 'troublesome' list for this one thing. And have a short and simple chat with your son about appropriate behavior and not doing everything his little friends tell him to do. If they want to punish him or discipline him somehow, suggest he write her a note of apology - keep it simple. If a big deal is made over this, it will become more than it really is, in my opinion.

    Hugs - it will be okay, stay strong and speak for your son because no one else will. Welcome.
  15. piperpro

    piperpro New Member

    My son walked up and spit on a lady reading in the park because he had a friend who told him it would be funny. We struggle constantly with what we experience as the self-righteousness of other parents who, even knowing our son's diagnosis, continue to think he is just mean or undisciplined.