Does anyone else talk to themselves in their head

[Nomad]

in my humble opinion, we ALL talk to ourselves "in our head."
We have the ability to control that self talk.
We can chose to make it positive or negative.
in my humble opinion, it is best to make it positive, optimistic....IOW...to control it.
When you are going down a BAD path...simply say (to yourself) STOP! And make a choice to say something else.
When things are very tough, it is normal to have a "moment," but best to keep it at only that...a "moment," and then use your self talk to change the scenario and push toward positive thoughts to move forward with strength.

 

[flutterby]

Yes, and parts of it are inadvertently out loud which can get awkward when you're in public.

 

[slsh]

LOL, Janet. I had to smile at the questions about getting out of the house. I have the same problem. I've been trying to do a bit more since I've been back in therapy but it is a real challenge. My underlying thought about doing anything is "what's the point." Yeah, things are dark here. I also have no friends in real life. Seriously, you guys are it. I don't think my therapist believed me when I told her there was no one I could call to go with- me to a movie or for a cup of coffee, LOL. It doesn't bother me a bit, but I guess most "normal" folks have a circle of friends. I just find that I have absolutely nothing in common with most people, and social interactions in person are really exhausting mentally for me.

I actually do the exact opposite of you in terms of self-talk. My thought processes are so negative and dark, I'll do anything to *not* think. I have a computer game I've been playing for years - can play it all day long, and not have a single solitary thought the entire time. Just fine as far as I'm concerned, but obviously it really isn't okay. Most of the time when I'm working, I can just focus on the work and not think - that did change in November, which is one of the things that prompted me to go back to therapy. Hard to be productive and accurate when I'm thinking my usual negative thoughts. I sure understand the concept of self-medication. Being oblivious beats the heck out of my usual state - my computer game is as close as I can get to oblivion.

I hope you do get a therapist who is a good fit. I know how incredibly hard it is to find someone who will take the time to get to understand where you're at, rather than just throwing quick fixes at you.

 

[TerryJ2]

These are good examples. Intrusive thoughts: These are thoughts that pop into your head out of nowhere and you start obsessing about them.

Examples: I was going to the gas station convenience store to get a pack if cigs. Left son in car because it was a direct line of sight. As I"m crossing gas pumps an intrusive thought pops into my head - what if a red corvette comes zooming through and runs me over right in front of my son? The thought is so real and so vivid it was almost like seeing it happen. By the time I finish walking the ten feet into the store I'm in tears.

DD1, trying to get to sleep, gets a thought about the house catching fire. She can't figure out how to get out of the house and worse, can't find her favorite stuffed toy. Of course all this thinking and devastation puts her in tears and she comes to me and it takes me about an hour to console her and find out why she is so upset.

 

[witzend]

Only because the dogs don't answer...

 

[KTMom91]

The cats don't answer, either...

 

[HaoZi]

The cats don't answer, either...

Mine does. Translating is another matter.

 

[Star*]

On the simple matter of a sticker in the Goodwill........(for example)

(in my head)

Oh there's a sticker I think Dude would probably like
What does it say under that?
Oh that's not nice....
Probably shouldn't get that (tosses to the side)
No....you know you could cut that part out
(picks it back up)
Yeah you could just get a scissor and trim that word off.
Huh - then he'd like it still and never know
Where would he put it?
I dunno - it'd be his sticker.
Why are you even getting the thing for him?
It's a crude sticker.
(throws it back down)
Picks it back up.
But you know - it's kinda his age group that would like that - not yours
Looks like one of those bad little Johnny Race car pee on things - (funny)
(neay) not really - are you trying to promote that kind of thing?
No....(throws it back down - walks away)
Picks it back up -
But if you did get it for him - he wouldn't have to put it on a car - he could put it on anything or give it to a friend.
Puts in cart....
Looks in cart...
Wonder if he'd even LIKE it?
Picks it back out of cart......
puts thumb over wording again....
Yeah I guess we could use it on something...eventually\Go ahead and get it.


And that was just over a sticker. SO yeah.......can you imagine what goes on over a can of green beans? THAT I NEED? That is on sale?

AND I HAVE A COUPON FOR?

 

[DammitJanet]

I have long conversations over just about anything. It can be that the can of beans is talking to me about stuff is going on at home, my dishes are speaking to me about trouble that is going on in Cory's life. I can have full conversations about how I should discuss what went on at the therapists office. I have full dialogues that run on for hours about the situation with Buck. I can go over and over about how I think Tony and I should pull together and I roll play how each of us should react. Its bizarre.

As far as what I really want to get out of therapy...I think it depends on the day. Right now I think I really need it because I am so stressed out with my life. I have had a really hard year with a ton of losses. I have really reverted back into my shell badly. I find myself not even being able to attach to any of the grandchildren at all anymore. Even Keyana. I feel they will all be snatched completely away from me at anytime. I want to run first and I know this is borderline at its finest. Hurt first lest ye be hurt. I wont hold McKenzie. I wont call Keyana. I miss her like crazy but I just cant take rejection.

Buck is seriously driving me up a wall. He is popping off about religion daily, saying stupid stuff about rx medications, claiming he can tell when people are on every kind of drug known to man kind, saying he is in worse pain than anyone else on the earth but he only has to take tylenol because he prays every night and the lord gives him the strength to carry on, claims he can do everything bigger and better than everyone. He has done more, been everyone and he knows all. I swear soon I am gonna kill him. Now his idea is terrorists are gonna bomb the pharmaceutical companies because that would cripple america. I said oh yeah...that would sure hurt us. All the weak, sick and elderly would die but the healthy and the strong would survive. And you also know that America supplies the rest of the world so that would mean that the weak, sick and elderly in the rest of the world would die too so we would just be the strongest country. He didnt have much of an answer to that one. I told him he was over thinking this junk.

He just wants to get on my nerves but Tony says I shouldnt take him so seriously since he has no clue what he is saying. Oh the heck he doesnt.

 

[InsaneCdn]

DJ - just playing back what I'm "hearing" in your posts...
Sounds like you're looking to get a few things out of therapy... start a list of whatever fits and whatever else pops up, 'cause you won't keep it all in your head.

- help finding your balance again, so that you can face people, interact, go with the flow... you know how you got here, but you don't know your way back.
- help framing ability vs. disability - yes you have health issues, but they do not need to define WHO you are, and it does help to get someone outside of your own head who is on your side who can walk you through this
- and maybe some sense of what "normal" is, so you can validate that all this koi that is going on... really IS a bucket-load of koi.

And yah, I totally get it about the whole therapist approach and the whole "who is your support group" ya-da-da-da.... Fiddle-faddle. You need HELP to get back on your feet, and the fact that your world happens to be "small" right now doesn't help - but not getting help until your world gets bigger means it isn't going to happen!

 

[susiestar]

My mother once said that if she had to paint a picture that represented what was going on in my brain it would have a room packed full of gerbils all talking at once and scurrying around doing things. I often have 2-3 conversations going with myself in my head at any one time.

I am NOT hyperactive in any way, never have been. I can usually keep my mental conversations going with little effort, and all the scurrying? Is to keep the memories and bits of trivia and other info organized. My mom described the room that would represent my brain a similar to a barn with horse stalls but every stall and inch of wall space was packed with shelves with little cubbies where bits of info get stored and filed and reshuffled and rearranged by my herd of chattering gerbils. HER WORDS!!! but fairly accurate,

The ntrusive thoughts mean thoughts that seem to not be yours that make you do something over and over or tell you that people want to hurt you or that you have to do something or bad things will happen.

 

[susiestar]

I hadn't read all of your responses before I posted.

I do think that you see a need to connect, and are so scared. it is so hard to reach out after so many losses, and right now I am sending you a gentle, loving hug that will lastt as long as you NEED it. not want it, need it.

I am worried about you. Not so much because your world is so small, but mostly because you seem so sad and you have such a hard time with pain. You are right that it is the borderline that has you wanting to lash out before another loss can rock your foundations. I hope that they have a good therapist that you can connect with.

I know I suggested quite a few ways to work on driving Buck out. I also know you probably are not ready to even think about them. I do think he is a major part of the problem. He is there, pushing every button he can to work on getting YOU to leave so he can have the trailer and Tony's income all to himself. I think that is FAR more his plan than it was to "just" move in wth you and Tony. He knows this is his last sibling willing to do anything to help him in any way. He is working hard to make you snap so he can wrap Tony in "see how you need me to help care for Janet" vibes.

I don't know what you are able to do to make him miserable. I am so very sorry that Tony forced you into that situation and there is no real way out unless you can get Buck to leave willingly, convince Tony he is nuts and stealing and/or dangerous, or somehow get Buck locked up. I will help with anything I can, even if it is to try to make him lose what brain he has.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much, and if there is ANY way I can help, I am here for you. In so many ways this forum is more my family than my parents and brother are, and you are incredibly special and precious to me. PLEASE, if and when things look so awful that you can't go on, remember that unfinished afghan you need to finish, and remember how much you are loved. We love you so much, and there is very little we wouldn't help you do if it would help you. Very little.

(((((hugs))))))

 

[HaoZi]

He is working hard to make you snap so he can wrap Tony in "see how you need me to help care for Janet" vibes.

That's scary and a new way to see it. Janet you know you can lean on us when you don't feel strong. I'm not sure if you have my number or not, if you need someone to text just PM me for the number if you want it. The idea of Buck taking care of a broken you scares the jeebers out of me, and he's certainly not capable of watching over K and M the way you do (even when you're not nearby to watch over them you still manage it pretty well!).

I know deep inside you've got a band of steel and everything around it is feeling beaten and bruised right now. You'll find that steel again, it just might take more help from outside to do it this time.

 

[BusynMember]

Janet, I know both of us probably have more mental health issues than many people on the board. I want to tell you what type of therapy really helped me, as opposed to traditional stuff. The "let's talk about it and get to the bottom of it" never helped me. If anything, since my childhood was garbage (not as bad as yours, but still no fun), I would end up crying a lot and feeling like a victim and that didn't help me. Plus I had that pesky borderline going on, although I didn't know it at the time. So I learned that "constructive" therapy was magic for me. No, I was not cured, but greatly helped ever since I started both cognitive therapy and dialectal behavior therapy much later on.

Whtat I really wanted to get out of therapy was better coping strategies...and even some instruction on things I SHOULD instinctively know, but did not. Therapy has helped me tremendously, but only THIS sort of therapy.

I am glad you brought up such an awesome topic. I remember the days when people were ashamed to be in therapy, and now we can discuss it...things have really changed and improved.

Janet, I am so shy and socially inept that my world is also small. I understand. I wish I could offer more, but you do have my empathy. I give you this...at least you were able to go to the CD get together and make friends. I think I would have felt uncomfortable the whole time and I'm not sure how I would have been able to deal with so many people. Although the two of us approach life differently, I do admire you a lot...for all you have gone through and all your have overcome. Big hugs!!

 

[slsh]

Whtat I really wanted to get out of therapy was better coping strategies...and even some instruction on things I SHOULD instinctively know, but did not. Therapy has helped me tremendously, but only THIS sort of therapy.

MWM - you nailed it right on. How I got to this place really doesn't matter - most of it's done and over, aside from my struggle in coping with- caring for Boo. What seems practical to me is learning how to emotionally manage how things are *now*. Well, okay, my first goal of therapy was getting to a place where I wasn't seeing my death as the solution to all my problems. But moving past that, then what? It's just been in the last couple of weeks I've been able to define that I want to learn acceptance of how things are. It's the serenity prayer all over again. I want to accept, but not out of hopelessness.

My therapist said something last week that really rocked my world - the definition of suffering is wanting things to be different than the way they are. Some things I might be able to change, but I think the very core causes of my self-imposed "suffering" can't be. So I'm working now on making peace, without anger and resentment.

 

[Star*]

Well see......the only dialogue I would have about Buck? Is how to get away with murder. (so to speak)

 

[DammitJanet]

I am fairly sarcastic like star...so I say those things like about murder then have to hope I havent said the wrong thing to the wrong person...lol.

I also have that whole...well my ultimate goal on earth is death thing going on. Personally I think we all do. Isnt that the end game here? We dont all live forever. I love having to explain my suicide plan. I settle in my chair and tell them that I have a plan and if they think locking me up forever is going to stop me it wont. Plus no insurance company is going to okay it because I will never tell anyone when I am at the moment of being ready. My plan has less to do with mental health than it does with physical health. I subscribe to the Montel Williams school of thought. All people should have the right to decide when to end their own suffering. Mine will come when my physical pain is greater than medications can make me comfortable or if I ever get the diagnosis of alzheimers. That will be the day I leave. I wont hang around to die of alzheimers...I saw that and I dont wish to go through that and put that on my family. Just my choice.

Yes, I do get the basic premise of what I want out of therapy is coping skills. That is what I said but it was like she wanted me to answer further and I didnt quite know how to specify exactly what it was.

 

[Hound dog]

All people should have the right to decide when to end their own suffering.

AMEN!

My kids don't get this, I suppose it's the age thing and that they don't have a long term illness they're dealing with at the moment that only gets worse over time. They get very disturbed when I bring it up, so I don't bring it up.

I will die with dignity though, and no one will stop me.

I won't be a 89 yr old woman too feeble to even stand from her wheelchair who is in chronic renal failure / dialysis / and severe water restriction to the point where she spends 90 percent of the day begging for just a sip of water. There are sound reasons for fluid restriction with renal failure......lungs fill up with fluid and you can breathe, overloads the heart........But c'mon, at 89 does it really apply?? Yes she had all her wits about her. Poor woman just didn't have the physcial ability to do the deed, the desire was most certainly there even after several ADs. ugh Broke my heart. And yes, I slipped her sips of water at certain points during the day. No one should have to suffer like that. Made up my mind then and there, that won't be me. Not even in my 50's. If it's that bad, do what you can with medications and dialysis and leave the rest alone. It's just not worth it. Her quality of life was zero. omg (found out later that several nurses were also slipping her sips of water, because it was just too hard to watch.)

in my opinion such a plan is reasonable. I'm not sure how many psychiatrists or tdocs would share that opinion. I know many do though.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well so far no one has really freaked out on me and once I explain that I have extensive family history of alzheimers so Im not uneducated about it they tend to just nod. I am always asked what my method would be and I tell them pills. Im not gonna go out by gun or take out a bunch of folks in a car wreck. Just go to sleep and not wake up. This latest therapist said she shouldnt tell me but she did understand because her mother and all her aunts had the same plan due to alzheimers.

 

[exhausted]

Janet,
Somehow I missed that Buck was still there. This is horrid, I am sorry. He is a bucket of crazy and you do not deserve him being there. I also hope that your pain is under control. It is so hard to function when it isn't. I know stress brings on my RA episodes and sometimes the pain requires a trip to the doctor. to get some relief.Usually a shot that helps for a few days until the episode subsides.
I just wanted to share a website that my difficult child and I use to remember DBT skills and to get info. It is a kind of self help site but has a lot of good common sense things that help, uhhh that is on the rare occations she is willing. Look around it. I wonder if it might not help you tell the therapist what you need and want?? http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/linehan_dbt.html