Does anyone have a 20 something daughter who has ODD and depression?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sally123, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. sally123

    sally123 New Member

    I just wondered if there was anyone else dealing with this problem other than myself? My daughter is nearly 28, lives with me, and just can't seem to get her life going. She also is extremely difficult to live with - rage attacks, as well as panic attacks, etc. I have had her in treatment since she was in her early teens - her illness has never been this severe.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sally, welcome. Yes, there are many here who deal with adult children who fail to launch as a result of mental illness or conduct/personality disorders. It is an extremely difficult and severely sad situation for us parents. Have you contacted NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness? You can access them online, they have chapters everywhere and offer excellent information, tools and support groups for parents with kids with mental issues. After all of this time, you are likely exhausted, depleted, resentful, sad, guilty and MUST focus on yourself and learn ways to care for YOU while you figure out what exactly you are willing to do for your daughter and what you're not. For me, I got involved in a year long program on codependency within a large HMO. I ended up in a group with other parents who have adult kids dealing with mental illness and it was invaluable in helping me detach and learn acceptance. It freed me from the clutches of guilt, resentment, anger and enabling. At the bottom of my post there is an article on detachment which you might find helpful.

    Most of us here learn various degrees of detachment and acceptance in order for US, the parents to have some peace of mind, some joy and to get our lives back. Often our lives are completely taken over by the illnesses and actions of our kids and we have to learn tools and get support to remember how to support ourselves. If you can, find a good therapist to assist you. A parent group is also so beneficial, any place where the emphasis is on YOU and you can learn to take care of YOU.

    I'm glad you found us, we certainly empathize and understand your feelings. Keep posting it helps. It helps us if you can put a signature at the bottom of your post so we can remember your story and respond accordingly. I wish you peace..........
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would say her problems are beyond ODD, which is usually given to young children, or just depression. A lot of people are depressed and do at least function and don't rage. I'm guessing (and I could be wrong) she is either a substance abuser of some sort or has a personality disorder, like Borderline.

    I have a 35 year old son who has a good job, but never did get his life together, however he could never live with me. I couldn't handle it and no way am I putting up with a 35 year old raging in my house, and, yes, he still has his anger fits, as I call them. He is very nice at times, but when he loses it, in my opinion he's a danger to the rest of my family. Fortunately (and I say this with a heavy heart) he lives a few states away from me and is too phobic to drive up here. I do not think he is safe to be around when he gets mad and I never know what will set him off. Does any of this sound familiar? I think a lot of us have secretly broken hearts because our grown adult children have never actually grown up. However, most of us don't allow them to live with us.

    You may want to start reading about detachment. If she is a substance abuser, twelve step meetings are really helping me to stop being a doormat and taking care of my own life. And you deserve a good life full of peace too. Your daughter can get services in the community and needs to take control of her mental health issues at her age. If she won't, well, then it is her fault. You can not do it for her. I would not allow her to be rageful or disrespectful in your house and I would make her get at least a part time job, pay you rent, and do chores around the house...or I would not keep her at home. The stress can be lethal to us.

    Hugs to you and I hope you can find a peaceful way to emotionally detach from your daughter, whom you have no control over. The only person we can control is ourselves. Same with your daughter, mentally ill or not (I have mental health issues...bad ones...and keeping myself stable is my responsibility). Take care and good thoughts to you :)
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Welcome, Sally. :O)

    There are some links at the bottom of my posts, too. The one with "Kathleen McCoy" gives suggestions about how to talk with our adult children about money, jobs, marriage.

    I am glad you found us.

  5. Sally - Welcome to the board. I'm sorry you need to be here but glad you found us. The people here are a wonderful support system for each other and have a vast amount of experience and knowledge.

    If you come back and expand on the situation with your daughter you will get more informed feedback and information.

    You will notice that my difficult child (Gift from God) is only 17 but is choosing to live out of her home which is why I am on this board.

    *Hugs to you. This is very difficult, isolating and lonely territory we are in.