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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 36258" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p>Last night on television, I was listening to a parent describe how he had survived the loss of his child, and a light bulb went off for me.</p><p></p><p>What the parent said was to concentrate, not on the guilt we can all find if we look hard enough (and who knows, it might even be valid) or the sense of missed opportunity to change unacceptable outcomes. He said the only way to survive the loss was to CELEBRATE, AND TO REMEMBER, THE JOY THE LOST CHILD BROUGHT US.</p><p></p><p>I am posting about it now because hearing that parent seems to have freed something in me.</p><p></p><p>I seem to have forbid myself the joy of remembering how happy I was in my life before all this happened. </p><p></p><p>And that is true. If I say anything about it, what I say is that I was smug.</p><p></p><p>The truth is that I was deeply happy, seriously contented, endlessly fascinated with my babies and my husband and my life.</p><p></p><p>And myself.</p><p></p><p>I felt then that I was blessed, that I had chosen correctly, that I had done it right.</p><p></p><p>I had a sense of self efficacy, and confidence that I had the capacity to handle whatever would come, and to do it successfully.</p><p></p><p>When I heard that man say those words, I allowed myself to think of difficult child as a baby, as a toddler, as a young boy and an adolescent. I allowed myself to remember what it felt like at our house before these bad things happened to us.</p><p></p><p>And here is the key: Last night, I was miserable, poking around in my own memories like I usually do, looking for how this happened, where I had gone wrong, when did it go wrong, who was there when it went wrong ~ everything to do with the wrongness, I thought of.</p><p></p><p>But I woke up this morning with the celebration of those early, happy years in my brain.</p><p></p><p>I woke up with that line from Goodnight Moon ~ you know the one?</p><p></p><p> ~ and a little old lady, whispering hush.... </p><p></p><p>And I thought of Maya Angelou, and Hildegaard, and even, something from The First Nudie Musical (!) Has anyone else ever seen that one? So funny, so shocking ~ it was on Showtime, and it was the first time I ever saw people on television without their clothes on. I suppose it came back to me last night because I always wonder whether it was what we watched on television that caused this to happen. (I think EVERYTHING caused this to happen!)</p><p></p><p>But somehow, in the night, I was able to see myself as I was then, and to stop condemning myself for every single thing that ever made me happy, or curious, or fascinated with myself or my babies or my husband because ~ look what happened! I must have done something wrong, it must all have been wrong, whatever it felt like.</p><p></p><p>I am posting about it, goofy as it sounds, because losing those times, those good times before our children were lost to us, is commiting another savagery against ourselves.</p><p></p><p>We lose the child as adult, but more importantly, we refuse to allow ourselves the joy of the memories of ourselves and our babies.</p><p></p><p>I feel like I have been depressed for twenty two years, since this all started.</p><p></p><p>I hope I can stay here, stay in touch with that younger, more hopeful, sweeter self.</p><p></p><p>**********************************</p><p></p><p>DOES ANYONE THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN NOT WHAT THAT MAN SAID ABOUT CHERISHING THE JOY WE DID HAVE BUT...THE M&Ms???</p><p></p><p>HA!</p><p></p><p>THINK OF THE MONEY WE COULD AL BE SAVING ON THERAPY!</p><p></p><p>And more importantly, is it only the Easter peanut M&Ms that work, or will any old M&M do, I wonder?</p><p></p><p>*****************************************</p><p></p><p> :smile:</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 36258, member: 3353"] Last night on television, I was listening to a parent describe how he had survived the loss of his child, and a light bulb went off for me. What the parent said was to concentrate, not on the guilt we can all find if we look hard enough (and who knows, it might even be valid) or the sense of missed opportunity to change unacceptable outcomes. He said the only way to survive the loss was to CELEBRATE, AND TO REMEMBER, THE JOY THE LOST CHILD BROUGHT US. I am posting about it now because hearing that parent seems to have freed something in me. I seem to have forbid myself the joy of remembering how happy I was in my life before all this happened. And that is true. If I say anything about it, what I say is that I was smug. The truth is that I was deeply happy, seriously contented, endlessly fascinated with my babies and my husband and my life. And myself. I felt then that I was blessed, that I had chosen correctly, that I had done it right. I had a sense of self efficacy, and confidence that I had the capacity to handle whatever would come, and to do it successfully. When I heard that man say those words, I allowed myself to think of difficult child as a baby, as a toddler, as a young boy and an adolescent. I allowed myself to remember what it felt like at our house before these bad things happened to us. And here is the key: Last night, I was miserable, poking around in my own memories like I usually do, looking for how this happened, where I had gone wrong, when did it go wrong, who was there when it went wrong ~ everything to do with the wrongness, I thought of. But I woke up this morning with the celebration of those early, happy years in my brain. I woke up with that line from Goodnight Moon ~ you know the one? ~ and a little old lady, whispering hush.... And I thought of Maya Angelou, and Hildegaard, and even, something from The First Nudie Musical (!) Has anyone else ever seen that one? So funny, so shocking ~ it was on Showtime, and it was the first time I ever saw people on television without their clothes on. I suppose it came back to me last night because I always wonder whether it was what we watched on television that caused this to happen. (I think EVERYTHING caused this to happen!) But somehow, in the night, I was able to see myself as I was then, and to stop condemning myself for every single thing that ever made me happy, or curious, or fascinated with myself or my babies or my husband because ~ look what happened! I must have done something wrong, it must all have been wrong, whatever it felt like. I am posting about it, goofy as it sounds, because losing those times, those good times before our children were lost to us, is commiting another savagery against ourselves. We lose the child as adult, but more importantly, we refuse to allow ourselves the joy of the memories of ourselves and our babies. I feel like I have been depressed for twenty two years, since this all started. I hope I can stay here, stay in touch with that younger, more hopeful, sweeter self. ********************************** DOES ANYONE THINK IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN NOT WHAT THAT MAN SAID ABOUT CHERISHING THE JOY WE DID HAVE BUT...THE M&Ms??? HA! THINK OF THE MONEY WE COULD AL BE SAVING ON THERAPY! And more importantly, is it only the Easter peanut M&Ms that work, or will any old M&M do, I wonder? ***************************************** [img]:smile:[/img] Barbara [/QUOTE]
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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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