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Does anyone remember "Goodnight, Moon"?
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<blockquote data-quote="ScentofCedar" data-source="post: 36348" data-attributes="member: 3353"><p><div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I was just going to post about leaving the board for a while. I am full of negative thoughts and I am not helping anyone with my negative responses. I thought I would give everyone a break until I could sort out my mess of thinking and reach a better state of mind....</p><p></p><p>I think what happens is when we first have problems start. We are ashamed of what are children are doing. We try to hide the truth from others. That starts a huge snowball that leaves us to look to the only place we can find to put blame ~ ourselves.</p><p></p><p>As time goes on and more light is coming into what is really happening and we are forced to sit in front of others and tell the truth about our children...something happens.....we are questioned about how we raised our children and in our minds we think that not only do we think we did something wrong but here are all these people that feel the same way.</p><p></p><p>After we have our hearts shattered by our children and our very being shattered by the ones we seek out for help....We are left broken. But we are moms and we have other responsibilities, so we are left broken yet push on to the next crisis and the next. </p><p></p><p>That snowball that we started so long ago is huge now. It prevents others that know about our difficult children from asking about them for fear they will hit a nerve and it prevents us from sharing about our difficult children to others we meet for fear we will be judged for having raised such a child.</p><p></p><p>ANY BAG OF M&M's WILL DO!!! You can also dip a hershey bar into a jar of peanut butter, that helps too.... </div></div></p><p></p><p>*************************</p><p></p><p>HA! Hearthope, I can't decide which of the points you raised to address first ~ so I will START WITH THE M&Ms, then!</p><p></p><p>CAMom seems to think peanut butter cups may work too?</p><p></p><p>It must be an individual thing, then. You know, like when the first anti-depressant doesn't work? And then you try another one? And it does work?</p><p></p><p>Looks like those pastel peanut M&Ms do it, for me!</p><p></p><p> :smile:</p><p></p><p>****************************</p><p></p><p>Oh, don't leave the site, hearthope! If you read Suz' response to this posting of mine? That will give you just a shadow of a taste of what everyone has been putting up with from me since the minute I came here!</p><p></p><p>But do you know what?</p><p></p><p>If I had never come here, if I hadn't stuck with it and kept posting and kept trying to see what it was FOR ME that was holding me back...I never would have made it this far.</p><p></p><p>And I have come such a long way, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>Your posting was filled with such pain.</p><p></p><p>While I am sure the professionals help some of us, I feel, as you do, that I was blamed (by professionals who MUST have known what they were doing, right?) for something that no one could name. With no name for whatever caused what had happened, I did ~ as it sounds like you have, too ~ blame myself, and set myself on a course of discovery. Here is what I learned, hearthope: parents whose children do not suffer as ours have did not do anything better, were not stricter (or less strict) were not less screwed up (believe me ~ we have friends who have two of the most incredible children? And both parents are total social dorks who cannot even maintain themselves through a dinner without bollocksing everything up. (We like them anyway ~ except for husband.) :blush: </p><p></p><p>For the longest time, I believed that whatever it was that had been different about our family, I just could not see it.</p><p></p><p>I no longer think there was anything toxic enough going on to justify what happened to us.</p><p></p><p>That is very important, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where you are in the process of recovering the joy you once took in yourself and your children, but that is an important piece.</p><p></p><p>The professionals were wrong.</p><p></p><p>Unless they could tell you what you did, they were wrong.</p><p></p><p>And hearthope? husband and I were never divorced. husband is the father to both my children. We had enough, and a little more, while they were growing up.</p><p></p><p>And this happened to us, anyway.</p><p></p><p>I know you will make it through all this, hearthope. Looks like I am living proof we CAN come out the other side. (Also living proof that, like Suz said, it takes some of us one heck of a long time!)</p><p></p><p>Don't leave us now, and don't worry about the negativity.</p><p></p><p>We all have been where you are.</p><p></p><p>There is no need, none at all, to go through this alone.</p><p></p><p>The last thing I want to tell you is that, unless husband has done some specific something that you are certain caused any of this?</p><p></p><p>Then he is innocent. Innocent as you are. </p><p></p><p>My husband and I committed to making it work. I swear, we hated one another. We decided to try again because there was no reason not to. Neither of us had "met someone else" or gone off to find ourselves or any of the other things that can happen when a marriage is truly over.</p><p></p><p>If you can go away with husband for a weekend ~ go to a hotel or fly off somewhere exotic or WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO GET AWAY FOR THREE NIGHTS, I think you will come back married, again.</p><p></p><p>Those getting away times were what kept our marriage solvent, I think, through all those bad years.</p><p></p><p>It was like a swimmer, lifting her head out of the water for a gasp of fresh air while she is swimming across the Channel.</p><p></p><p>Just enough, just enough, to keep the marriage alive.</p><p></p><p>You can always get divorced later, once you both are able to think clearly again. That's what we told ourselves (and each other). </p><p></p><p>We like to fight sometimes, and that is okay. We needed to watch for verbally abusive behaviors and name calling, and we needed to remember where the pain was coming from, and that it really was nothing the other guy had done.</p><p></p><p>Sending you strength and wishing well, hearthope.</p><p></p><p>And if you do need to leave the site for awhile?</p><p></p><p>We will all still be here, when you are ready to come back.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, you should try some of those pastel peanut M&Ms?</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="ScentofCedar, post: 36348, member: 3353"] <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I was just going to post about leaving the board for a while. I am full of negative thoughts and I am not helping anyone with my negative responses. I thought I would give everyone a break until I could sort out my mess of thinking and reach a better state of mind.... I think what happens is when we first have problems start. We are ashamed of what are children are doing. We try to hide the truth from others. That starts a huge snowball that leaves us to look to the only place we can find to put blame ~ ourselves. As time goes on and more light is coming into what is really happening and we are forced to sit in front of others and tell the truth about our children...something happens.....we are questioned about how we raised our children and in our minds we think that not only do we think we did something wrong but here are all these people that feel the same way. After we have our hearts shattered by our children and our very being shattered by the ones we seek out for help....We are left broken. But we are moms and we have other responsibilities, so we are left broken yet push on to the next crisis and the next. That snowball that we started so long ago is huge now. It prevents others that know about our difficult children from asking about them for fear they will hit a nerve and it prevents us from sharing about our difficult children to others we meet for fear we will be judged for having raised such a child. ANY BAG OF M&M's WILL DO!!! You can also dip a hershey bar into a jar of peanut butter, that helps too.... </div></div> ************************* HA! Hearthope, I can't decide which of the points you raised to address first ~ so I will START WITH THE M&Ms, then! CAMom seems to think peanut butter cups may work too? It must be an individual thing, then. You know, like when the first anti-depressant doesn't work? And then you try another one? And it does work? Looks like those pastel peanut M&Ms do it, for me! [img]:smile:[/img] **************************** Oh, don't leave the site, hearthope! If you read Suz' response to this posting of mine? That will give you just a shadow of a taste of what everyone has been putting up with from me since the minute I came here! But do you know what? If I had never come here, if I hadn't stuck with it and kept posting and kept trying to see what it was FOR ME that was holding me back...I never would have made it this far. And I have come such a long way, hearthope. Your posting was filled with such pain. While I am sure the professionals help some of us, I feel, as you do, that I was blamed (by professionals who MUST have known what they were doing, right?) for something that no one could name. With no name for whatever caused what had happened, I did ~ as it sounds like you have, too ~ blame myself, and set myself on a course of discovery. Here is what I learned, hearthope: parents whose children do not suffer as ours have did not do anything better, were not stricter (or less strict) were not less screwed up (believe me ~ we have friends who have two of the most incredible children? And both parents are total social dorks who cannot even maintain themselves through a dinner without bollocksing everything up. (We like them anyway ~ except for husband.) [img]:blush:[/img] For the longest time, I believed that whatever it was that had been different about our family, I just could not see it. I no longer think there was anything toxic enough going on to justify what happened to us. That is very important, hearthope. I don't know where you are in the process of recovering the joy you once took in yourself and your children, but that is an important piece. The professionals were wrong. Unless they could tell you what you did, they were wrong. And hearthope? husband and I were never divorced. husband is the father to both my children. We had enough, and a little more, while they were growing up. And this happened to us, anyway. I know you will make it through all this, hearthope. Looks like I am living proof we CAN come out the other side. (Also living proof that, like Suz said, it takes some of us one heck of a long time!) Don't leave us now, and don't worry about the negativity. We all have been where you are. There is no need, none at all, to go through this alone. The last thing I want to tell you is that, unless husband has done some specific something that you are certain caused any of this? Then he is innocent. Innocent as you are. My husband and I committed to making it work. I swear, we hated one another. We decided to try again because there was no reason not to. Neither of us had "met someone else" or gone off to find ourselves or any of the other things that can happen when a marriage is truly over. If you can go away with husband for a weekend ~ go to a hotel or fly off somewhere exotic or WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO TO GET AWAY FOR THREE NIGHTS, I think you will come back married, again. Those getting away times were what kept our marriage solvent, I think, through all those bad years. It was like a swimmer, lifting her head out of the water for a gasp of fresh air while she is swimming across the Channel. Just enough, just enough, to keep the marriage alive. You can always get divorced later, once you both are able to think clearly again. That's what we told ourselves (and each other). We like to fight sometimes, and that is okay. We needed to watch for verbally abusive behaviors and name calling, and we needed to remember where the pain was coming from, and that it really was nothing the other guy had done. Sending you strength and wishing well, hearthope. And if you do need to leave the site for awhile? We will all still be here, when you are ready to come back. Maybe, you should try some of those pastel peanut M&Ms? Barbara [/QUOTE]
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