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Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 623498" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Hi Stress Bunny.... I have also been there done that a lot.</p><p></p><p>I dont believe detachment means no contact at least not for me! The best advice I ever got was from a therapist when we first kicked our son out of the house at 18. My gut then told me to just wait until he woke up and contacted us. My therapist said you kicked him out and his pride will not let him do that.... so keep the door open. Stay clear that he cant come home but text him now and then (not everyday) and keep the door open. So that is what I did... he didnt contact us for a couple of weeks but called us when he was arrested.</p><p></p><p>That was over 4 years ago. Since then my difficult child has been all over the place and in and out of treatment. Thankfully at the moment he is in a court ordered long term residential program, has been there for 5 months and doing well... and we are slowly rebuilding our relationship.</p><p></p><p>During that 4 years he was also homeless for a time which was awful for me. But we stayed in limited contact. He would call when he needed something but it became clear to him what I would and would not do. So I did get him a sleeping bag, but I did not rescue him from homlessness.</p><p></p><p>Over time that entitlement became less and less.</p><p></p><p>And during the really tough times he would eventually want help and we would always help him get help.... and I think those various times he learned something although he would usually get kicked out or leave.</p><p></p><p>Which is why his being where he is now for almost 6 months feels like a miracle to me.</p><p></p><p>I think it has been really important for him to continue to know we love him and that we are not turning our backs on him....and that has meant he could come to us when he was ready for help.</p><p></p><p>From your post it sounds like your heart does not want to cut off all contact so I say dont... stay in touch with him and at the same time stay clear about your boundaries. Staying in touch does not mean you have to invite him to your house or to live at home. If he is being nice and respectful to you I would invite him out for a meal.... if he is not being respectful then cut off that particular conversation. You dont need to take abuse from him, if that starts cut off the conversation until he can be respectful.</p><p></p><p>But to me detachment does not mean no contact, it means detaching from the outcome... love him but also be true to yourself and set boundaries.</p><p></p><p>TL</p><p></p><p></p><p>Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 623498, member: 15801"] Hi Stress Bunny.... I have also been there done that a lot. I dont believe detachment means no contact at least not for me! The best advice I ever got was from a therapist when we first kicked our son out of the house at 18. My gut then told me to just wait until he woke up and contacted us. My therapist said you kicked him out and his pride will not let him do that.... so keep the door open. Stay clear that he cant come home but text him now and then (not everyday) and keep the door open. So that is what I did... he didnt contact us for a couple of weeks but called us when he was arrested. That was over 4 years ago. Since then my difficult child has been all over the place and in and out of treatment. Thankfully at the moment he is in a court ordered long term residential program, has been there for 5 months and doing well... and we are slowly rebuilding our relationship. During that 4 years he was also homeless for a time which was awful for me. But we stayed in limited contact. He would call when he needed something but it became clear to him what I would and would not do. So I did get him a sleeping bag, but I did not rescue him from homlessness. Over time that entitlement became less and less. And during the really tough times he would eventually want help and we would always help him get help.... and I think those various times he learned something although he would usually get kicked out or leave. Which is why his being where he is now for almost 6 months feels like a miracle to me. I think it has been really important for him to continue to know we love him and that we are not turning our backs on him....and that has meant he could come to us when he was ready for help. From your post it sounds like your heart does not want to cut off all contact so I say dont... stay in touch with him and at the same time stay clear about your boundaries. Staying in touch does not mean you have to invite him to your house or to live at home. If he is being nice and respectful to you I would invite him out for a meal.... if he is not being respectful then cut off that particular conversation. You dont need to take abuse from him, if that starts cut off the conversation until he can be respectful. But to me detachment does not mean no contact, it means detaching from the outcome... love him but also be true to yourself and set boundaries. TL Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app [/QUOTE]
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