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Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Stress Bunny" data-source="post: 623512" data-attributes="member: 4855"><p>Lucy, it sounds like you have found the right balance in your relationship with your son. That's what I would like to have, because at least with balance, there is some peace in knowing that you're doing what is working for you. I am a perfectionist and can so relate to the control you mention needing to let go. I am working on that. Bless you, and may your son find his way out of his situation.</p><p></p><p>Toughlovin, I am encouraged to hear that your son is doing well over the past five months. I hope it continues. Maybe the court situation was a silver lining. I have learned a lot about boundaries and while i am doing alright with the financial boundaries, I think I am struggling with the emotional boundaries. I am constantly worried and depressed. When the phone rings, I have an adrenaline reaction because I wonder if it is bad news of some sort. husband is fed up, and his emotions show as anger and frustration, but I know he is deeply hurt. He broke down in tears at a furniture store out of the blue this past weekend. Then, he suddenly looked up at me and said that if JT could see him, he would just laugh at him, at his weakness.</p><p></p><p>Albatross, I am so interested to know how and what you communicated that you needed from your son in order to have a relationship with him. At this point, if I were to state something like that to JT, I would probably say that while I care about him deeply and want things to work out for him in his life, I cannot help him continue to harm himself by financially, physically, or emotionally contributing to the situation. I would say I deserve to have some peace and happiness in my life, free from his negative drama, and that our younger boy deserves the same. I would ask that he seek out counseling and substance abuse treatment and make amends with the family he has devastated. Unfortunately, JT is very stubborn and egotistical, so he will vehemently deny that he has any issues and likely avoid said treatment all the more if I encourage him to get it. I don't know if it is better to stay quiet for a while and wait for him to make contact again or if I should try to communicate with him.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, Your words are so heartfelt. I am sorry for the situation your children are in and that you tried so very hard to save them without it working. I have no illusions about the disease of substance abuse or where it leads. husband already said that he is prepared to get "the call" that our son's life has been lost. I am not prepared, but aware that this destructive path can end that way. It does terrify me, and the sense of helplessness is overwhelming. JT is the overconfident type; the type that thinks he is invincible; that he is in control and that there aren't any problems. By the time he realizes anything, it will probably already be too late, as you mentioned. I can't believe we're here in this situation. husband and I do not smoke or drink, and we have always educated our kids about the dangers of drug and alcohol use. So has our entire family. We tried SO hard to be good parents, and I am devastated watching this unfold now. Letting go, accepting, and setting boundaries are very hard indeed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Stress Bunny, post: 623512, member: 4855"] Lucy, it sounds like you have found the right balance in your relationship with your son. That's what I would like to have, because at least with balance, there is some peace in knowing that you're doing what is working for you. I am a perfectionist and can so relate to the control you mention needing to let go. I am working on that. Bless you, and may your son find his way out of his situation. Toughlovin, I am encouraged to hear that your son is doing well over the past five months. I hope it continues. Maybe the court situation was a silver lining. I have learned a lot about boundaries and while i am doing alright with the financial boundaries, I think I am struggling with the emotional boundaries. I am constantly worried and depressed. When the phone rings, I have an adrenaline reaction because I wonder if it is bad news of some sort. husband is fed up, and his emotions show as anger and frustration, but I know he is deeply hurt. He broke down in tears at a furniture store out of the blue this past weekend. Then, he suddenly looked up at me and said that if JT could see him, he would just laugh at him, at his weakness. Albatross, I am so interested to know how and what you communicated that you needed from your son in order to have a relationship with him. At this point, if I were to state something like that to JT, I would probably say that while I care about him deeply and want things to work out for him in his life, I cannot help him continue to harm himself by financially, physically, or emotionally contributing to the situation. I would say I deserve to have some peace and happiness in my life, free from his negative drama, and that our younger boy deserves the same. I would ask that he seek out counseling and substance abuse treatment and make amends with the family he has devastated. Unfortunately, JT is very stubborn and egotistical, so he will vehemently deny that he has any issues and likely avoid said treatment all the more if I encourage him to get it. I don't know if it is better to stay quiet for a while and wait for him to make contact again or if I should try to communicate with him. Cedar, Your words are so heartfelt. I am sorry for the situation your children are in and that you tried so very hard to save them without it working. I have no illusions about the disease of substance abuse or where it leads. husband already said that he is prepared to get "the call" that our son's life has been lost. I am not prepared, but aware that this destructive path can end that way. It does terrify me, and the sense of helplessness is overwhelming. JT is the overconfident type; the type that thinks he is invincible; that he is in control and that there aren't any problems. By the time he realizes anything, it will probably already be too late, as you mentioned. I can't believe we're here in this situation. husband and I do not smoke or drink, and we have always educated our kids about the dangers of drug and alcohol use. So has our entire family. We tried SO hard to be good parents, and I am devastated watching this unfold now. Letting go, accepting, and setting boundaries are very hard indeed. [/QUOTE]
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