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Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 623549" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Stress Bunny,</p><p></p><p>My son is 20 also.</p><p></p><p>And we have a relationship of detachment now. </p><p></p><p>I am much much better. My first post here was that if he died on the street I would kill myself (I have 3 other kids, I persuaded myself they would be OK). </p><p></p><p>He is also better. Cause all that helping I was doing, all those doorways I kept open....they didn't make him better. Now he does his own helping...or not. And I think he has a little self respect now, that he is a little proud of his own resourcefulness. </p><p></p><p>Don't get me wrong, these last two years, since he voluntarily left home at 17, have been a long series of having my heart torn out...by fear, hurt, anger, fear, despair, fear, disbelief, and fear. </p><p>But like you, I got exhausted. And like you, I realized that what I was doing wasn't helping anything get better..not him, and not our relationship.</p><p></p><p>And in the end, the only thing I can control is me. </p><p></p><p>So I stopped doing what I was doing that wasn't helping.</p><p></p><p>And that gave me some time and some space to think about things...now that I wasn't as consumerd with worry and with helping or trying to help.</p><p></p><p>And I read a lot of books. And I meditated. A lot. And I posted. A lot. And I made friends with Child, who was going through similar things at the same time. And Cedar, and Recovering, who have been here a while and are wise. And Albatross and Lucy, who are new and have new thoughts and open hearts. A lot of posts. A lot of reflection. A lot of practice and process. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is good advice from Child. Take it if you are ready.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is good advice...from YOU!!! You know what you need. What you have written here is perfect! I stopped the quote right here, because then you go on to say how he will reply....and that is the part you cannot control. You can control what you say. and then you say..."that is all I have to say today, honey. These conversations are hard for me. Lets talk tomorrow (or next week). I love you. Good bye."</p><p></p><p>Or you let him talk and say "uh huh" and "I see" and finish with "I guess we see things differently. I'm glad I was able to say how I feel"</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>MWM hits it in a nutshell. I went no contact for 2 months because I simply had to. I had to get the strength to stick to my guns. I couldn't risk being dragged into my old responses, or into despair. But I never intended lifelong no contact. I had to learn to separate and set boundaries.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And this speaks to part of your initial post. You don't need to hear details...end those conversations quickly. You sound like they are kind of repellent to you...don't expose yourself to that. You will find ways of extricating yourself from those conversations, and as you have to hear less of it you will feel less toxic, less contaminated by his choices.</p><p></p><p>You are in a good place. You have found us, and your husband and you are in this together. And your difficult child is a good age to start all this. Good luck, and welcome</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 623549, member: 17269"] Stress Bunny, My son is 20 also. And we have a relationship of detachment now. I am much much better. My first post here was that if he died on the street I would kill myself (I have 3 other kids, I persuaded myself they would be OK). He is also better. Cause all that helping I was doing, all those doorways I kept open....they didn't make him better. Now he does his own helping...or not. And I think he has a little self respect now, that he is a little proud of his own resourcefulness. Don't get me wrong, these last two years, since he voluntarily left home at 17, have been a long series of having my heart torn out...by fear, hurt, anger, fear, despair, fear, disbelief, and fear. But like you, I got exhausted. And like you, I realized that what I was doing wasn't helping anything get better..not him, and not our relationship. And in the end, the only thing I can control is me. So I stopped doing what I was doing that wasn't helping. And that gave me some time and some space to think about things...now that I wasn't as consumerd with worry and with helping or trying to help. And I read a lot of books. And I meditated. A lot. And I posted. A lot. And I made friends with Child, who was going through similar things at the same time. And Cedar, and Recovering, who have been here a while and are wise. And Albatross and Lucy, who are new and have new thoughts and open hearts. A lot of posts. A lot of reflection. A lot of practice and process. This is good advice from Child. Take it if you are ready. This is good advice...from YOU!!! You know what you need. What you have written here is perfect! I stopped the quote right here, because then you go on to say how he will reply....and that is the part you cannot control. You can control what you say. and then you say..."that is all I have to say today, honey. These conversations are hard for me. Lets talk tomorrow (or next week). I love you. Good bye." Or you let him talk and say "uh huh" and "I see" and finish with "I guess we see things differently. I'm glad I was able to say how I feel" MWM hits it in a nutshell. I went no contact for 2 months because I simply had to. I had to get the strength to stick to my guns. I couldn't risk being dragged into my old responses, or into despair. But I never intended lifelong no contact. I had to learn to separate and set boundaries. And this speaks to part of your initial post. You don't need to hear details...end those conversations quickly. You sound like they are kind of repellent to you...don't expose yourself to that. You will find ways of extricating yourself from those conversations, and as you have to hear less of it you will feel less toxic, less contaminated by his choices. You are in a good place. You have found us, and your husband and you are in this together. And your difficult child is a good age to start all this. Good luck, and welcome Echo [/QUOTE]
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