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Does Detachment = No Contact?
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 623592" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>It sounds like you have a very clear idea of what you want to say, what you would like to see in your relationship going forward. Like Echo says, you can't control how he reacts. And if you need distance right now, you should definitely take it, without guilt or worry. You are NOT the one who created the stress that requires you to step back and regroup!</p><p></p><p>My son can find a missed stitch and unravel the whole sweater in a matter of seconds, if you know what I mean. So when we sent the text you asked about, we knew to make it short with less chance of him arguing a "loophole." </p><p></p><p>His biggest problem was alcohol at that point, and until he got that under control nothing else mattered. And we knew he needed to have a way to support himself. He had used up the largesse of people who were willing to let him stay, and we were getting a lot of phone calls about damaged property he had caused, etc. We wouldn't let him stay with us again for the same reason.</p><p></p><p>So I texted him and told him we loved him and hoped he got help, and that until he was sober, in treatment and working we didn't want any contact. Either way his car insurance and cell phone were being cut off effective _____. Short and not very sweet. We had pretty much had it when I sent that text.</p><p></p><p>His reaction was to send me some "how can you do this" texts, then maximize his cell and car use for getting drugs and alcohol until the cutoff day, then intentionally use up all of the data on my cell phone plan the night before his phone was cut off. Then he disappeared from everyone's radar for over a month, at which point he asked the one person he hadn't alienated to call me and tell me he was checking himself into detox.</p><p></p><p>And honestly? That text didn't make any difference directly. He fell in with some pretty rough characters that scared him pretty badly and he wanted to get out of that situation and had nowhere to go. I think that's why he's doing the things we asked, not because he feels particularly bad about the pain and worry he's caused. That's just the way he is. Their hearts are their own, for good or bad. He's sober, he's working...the rest is just gravy, to be honest. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, he's really lucky. This could have gone the other way. His falling in with those characters could very well have led to a different outcome, and I sure wouldn't be posting about that text the way I am right now. </p><p></p><p>We just don't know. We torture ourselves with thinking there is a *right* choice to make here, but either choice can lead to either outcome. We don't control that part.</p><p></p><p>That's why I so agree with Echo, Cedar, MWM, etc., that detachment is at least as much about US as it is about THEM. We do what WE can live with, what's reasonable by OUR standards.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 623592, member: 17720"] It sounds like you have a very clear idea of what you want to say, what you would like to see in your relationship going forward. Like Echo says, you can't control how he reacts. And if you need distance right now, you should definitely take it, without guilt or worry. You are NOT the one who created the stress that requires you to step back and regroup! My son can find a missed stitch and unravel the whole sweater in a matter of seconds, if you know what I mean. So when we sent the text you asked about, we knew to make it short with less chance of him arguing a "loophole." His biggest problem was alcohol at that point, and until he got that under control nothing else mattered. And we knew he needed to have a way to support himself. He had used up the largesse of people who were willing to let him stay, and we were getting a lot of phone calls about damaged property he had caused, etc. We wouldn't let him stay with us again for the same reason. So I texted him and told him we loved him and hoped he got help, and that until he was sober, in treatment and working we didn't want any contact. Either way his car insurance and cell phone were being cut off effective _____. Short and not very sweet. We had pretty much had it when I sent that text. His reaction was to send me some "how can you do this" texts, then maximize his cell and car use for getting drugs and alcohol until the cutoff day, then intentionally use up all of the data on my cell phone plan the night before his phone was cut off. Then he disappeared from everyone's radar for over a month, at which point he asked the one person he hadn't alienated to call me and tell me he was checking himself into detox. And honestly? That text didn't make any difference directly. He fell in with some pretty rough characters that scared him pretty badly and he wanted to get out of that situation and had nowhere to go. I think that's why he's doing the things we asked, not because he feels particularly bad about the pain and worry he's caused. That's just the way he is. Their hearts are their own, for good or bad. He's sober, he's working...the rest is just gravy, to be honest. But the thing is, he's really lucky. This could have gone the other way. His falling in with those characters could very well have led to a different outcome, and I sure wouldn't be posting about that text the way I am right now. We just don't know. We torture ourselves with thinking there is a *right* choice to make here, but either choice can lead to either outcome. We don't control that part. That's why I so agree with Echo, Cedar, MWM, etc., that detachment is at least as much about US as it is about THEM. We do what WE can live with, what's reasonable by OUR standards. [/QUOTE]
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