Does it even matter?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MommaK, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    So the 14 year old daughter is dead set on doing whatever she wants no matter what her dad and I or anyone else says or does. She just doesn't seem to give a damn what the consequences are for her choices, actions, attitude or behavior. I'm not trying to be overbearing or the parent that only points out the negative things she does. Does giving consequences or punishment or trying to discipline her and be a parent that is active and involved in her life and what she does even matter anymore?

    We ground her she finds a way to sneak around it. We give her positive praise so she quits doing what we praised her for. She lies about everything good or bad, wrong or write. She is starting to throw her life down the drain. She doesn't seem to care if the things she does gets her kicked out of school or off her softball team. It's like the more trouble she gets in and drama she causes the happier she is. I keep wondering why I'm even trying to parent her right now. I guess I care to much to let her just run wild. I'm trying to raise her to be responsible but she says she has to much responsibility. I'm trying to teach her to make good choices so she doesn't get in trouble. I am so worried about her and don't know what I can do differently or what I can do that I'm not already doing. I spend time with her one on one, so does her dad and grandparents. She isn't starved for love and attention.
  2. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Are you certain that she is compliant with her medications?

    Maybe she is manic or hypomanic?
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It gives her power to see you twisting and writhing. Do not protect her from outside consequences. Take away/cancel her electronics, fast food expensive clothing, spending money. She should not be rewarded for her behavior.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I agree her medications. need to be checked for compliance and side affects.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Ten years ago, I could have written basically the same post, MommaK. During that time, I was sleeping during the day when no one was home, because my darling daughter had made reference to sticking a knife in my back. She had torn her bedroom door off the hinges and thrown it at me. It was hell. I did call the police on her, and it seemed to make an impression.

    We pretty much put her on lockdown for awhile. Took her phone/electronics away at 9 pm. I got an order from her doctor, and surprise drug tested/pregnancy tested her. She is needle phobic, so I'll admit I got a strange pleasure from hearing her screaming at the lab. I also made sure logical consequences would HURT. BAD. We'd told her we would replace her phone once if it was accidentally broken. After that, it was her problem. She failed Biology and ended up with Zero Period PE. 6:30 am in the winter. I reminded her often that it was NOT MY PROBLEM. She sold the bus pass we bought her - we're about 2 1/2 miles from the high school. She walked. She threw away the bag lunches I made (I made lunches for all of us, like an assembly line) so she didn't eat. Didn't like what I was cooking? Go scramble an egg.

    Definitely check to see if she is medication compliant and if her medications are correct. Also find out at what age (in your state) they can legally refuse mental health treatment. In California, it's 12. Fortunately, she never knew that. I tied medication compliance and grades (C average required) to driving, and pretty much anything she wanted to do. You can get a motion sensor alarm at Harbor Freight and set it up so it goes off when the beam is crossed (Hubby did that when I started taking Ambien, so he could hear if I headed out of the bedroom sleepwalking/eating/driving).

    Good luck. It is not easy or pleasant, I know. Keep in mind that logical consequences are the best teachers, and if she is unhappy or uncomfortable because of her own actions, it is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Hugs.
  6. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    She does not have a phone, it was taken away 2 weeks after she got it back. She has a school provided mac book that she is only allowed to use at school and at home with direct supervision, and it's taken after she finishes homework and hidden in my bedroom. She started sneaking it after I went to sleep. She has been told if she does it again then it's returned to the school and she does her work by paper and pencil.

    She is not allowed to hang out with friends(tested positive for smoking weed with the friends) and was told if she sneaks out or leaves the house without permission (she has done it before and planned to do it recently but was caught) other than to go to school she will be reported as a run away and I will place her on probation with the youth courts as a defiant teen.
    She tested positive for weed 3 weeks ago and was told if she is found with drugs or fails another test I will report her to the youth courts and have her put on probation. She has since tested negative and is randomly tested in her therapy program.

    Not sure what her therapist will do when he finds out she got mad this weekend because she got caught sneaking her laptop after her grandmother collected it at 10 (curfew for laptop use). New rules (listed above)put into affect starting tonight on the laptop. Last year we allowed natural consequences with grades she squeaked by in 2 classes and passed by only a couple points. She is now currently failing 2 classes and school just started on the 4th. Again I'm letting natural consequences take over there because if she fails she is kicked off her softball team.

    I swear she is so defiant I could say jump and she would dig a hole so deep she couldn't get out just to prove she wasn't going to do what I told her to. I already try to not go to sleep before her just to be sure she doesn't do anything she shouldn't after I go to sleep. This is all beginning to cause problems between my husband and me. She had quit taking her medications and we discovered that on her last drug test a week ago. Now I watch her take them and check her mouth(under very loud protest) to be sure she swallowed them. Tonight when told about being reported if she leaves without permission she just had that smirk and yea right whatever look on her face. I'm not going to protect her from the consequences she has been warned about if she tries to call my bluff on this. I am exhausted!
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're doing everything you can do, and she'll just keep pushing till she ends up someplace unpleasant, just to show you that you're not the boss of her. Heard that phrase more times than I care to remember. Make sure you follow through or you'll lose all credibility.

    Is there somewhere else she can live for a while to give you a break? I told my daughter she needed to spend the summer with her father, because I'd had enough, and she called my mom and cried that I was throwing her out. She spent almost a year living with my mom. Then she came back home the end of her junior year.
  8. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    She has been told that if this continues she will have to live with my inlaws 45 minutes away and go back to her old school.
  9. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Is that her button? Praise you have other people who. Care!!!

    I know your tired...I pray she grows and snaps out of it......
  10. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Seems like you are doing everything reasonable that you possibly can. She needs to go through the natural consequences of the choices she is making.

    I know it's really difficult to be her mom right now. Take some time out of worrying about her to take care of yourself. Take good care of yourself. That is just as important as taking care of her, if not more important in the long run.
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  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ditto what everyone says that you are doing what you can right now. There were many days, years actually, when I wondered if anything we were doing would ever make a difference. We lived with violence for so many years. We had him in therapy two times a week that didn't seem to be doing much. We trialed medications that didn't help.

    Finally once we found the right medications (after 6 hospitalizations) we started to see our son use some of the strategies he learned through therapy. Is he still a difficult child? Absolutely! However, things are so much better than they were.

    I would also add in my agreement with runawaybunny. You definitely need to be taking care of yourself. Whether that is reading a book, going out with some friends, working out, taking up a hobby. It's so very important. Sending some hugs your way.
  12. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    And now a call from the school. She got in trouble and now has after school detention tomorrow. She got out of line in the cafeteria and when she went to get back in someone said something to her and she yelled f*** you loud enough the principal heard her across the cafeteria. She says she is having a bad day because she forgot her hoodie and someone made comments about the cuts on her arm. I'm feeling utterly defeated right now. Checked grades yesterday as well and she is now failin 3 classes due to not turning in work or skipping quizzes to go to the councilors office. She swung from manic to depressed very quickly once she found out her equally depressed friend committed suicide a little over a week ago. They hung out together with the same grout we aRe trying to keep her away from due to them all being depressed in some way and feeding off each other as well as smoking pot.
  13. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I'm feeling your despair. Your doing everything you can. She takes her medications?

    Maybe her moving would be good? She not only is going through a lot, but her hormones are raging.

    Of course, you are going through so much seems you have used your resources. Hanging tough I believe you are. I used to have anxiety any time the school it's the sober house. It's never good news!!!!

    I have no advice, but am right there with your frustration.....Hugs to you!
  14. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Yes, she is medication compliant right now because I give them to her and watch her take them and make sure she actually swallowed them. She keeps saying I should trust her and not treat her like a 5 year this point I have no reason to trust her, and if she didn't act like a small child I wouldn't treat her like one.
  15. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    I hear 19 yr old can act like a 5 yr old too...well..that's why he isn't trusted right now either!
  16. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    You have great intentions, but she is going to do what she is going to do. In my experience that's what happens, no matter how much time and effort you spend, or how much you try.

    Be kind to yourself. Your own life experience is just is as important and more worthy of your attention.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Her friend committed suicide a week ago? Her behavior amped up with more frequent rapid mood swings? I would imagine that she is having difficulty processing her friends death. This is a major traumatic event. She is hurting and does not know what to do with these feelings so BOOM she explodes the grief has to come out somewhere.
  18. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    Yes, I agree and that's why I'm even more concerned. A lot of this started a few weeks before her friend committed suicide tho. I don't want to pretend she isn't hurting, but I also will not allow her to begin to sink into a deep depression (which she is prone to do due to being bipolar). Rules are still rules and even tho she is hurting she has to follow them.
  19. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I understand about the rules. Does she have a safe outlet for her grief. Does she feel in some way that she let this friend down. Does she have someone to share her grief with. Perhaps a grif counselor. Losing someone you care about is difficult for anyone. Is it possible that because you did not care for this friend she feels that you are in some way discrediting her grief. It is possible that she was aware that this might happen and that is why she began acting out weeks ago.
  20. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    The entire group of friends is depressed to some extent, but no, no one knew this may happen. She is attending partial inpatient treatment 3 days a week as well as church and youth group on Wednesday and Sunday. It's not necessarily the friends i don't care for but the fact that she has a tendency to feed off others depression and/or negativity and it causes her to hit a depressive state. Add to that that she was smoking pot with them and well, you see where some of my concern comes from. I'm sure she does feel I am discrediting her grief. That is not the case. She wants to let her grief become all consuming versus trying to do some of what she did and enjoyed before this.