Does it ever end?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Taylor459, Aug 28, 2019.

  1. Taylor459

    Taylor459 New Member

    Hi, was reading some of you guys post and it made me feel better to know people who deal with adult drug addicted kids also. Most of my friends they have “normal” family lives with their kids. I so envy them, even old friends who were not the best influence on their kids have great kids now. How did I miss this when we tried to raise ours?
    My oldest son who is 42 has been an addict since 20. He has been in and out of rehab so many times. He’s gone to prison when he was 23 for 18 months for grand larceny. He’s a liar, thief and won’t hold down a job. He has a 10 yr old son who I am raising since he was 2. I have let my son lives with us on and off but it has gotten so bad that I will not let him live here. I have got to protect his son from seeing how his dad is and continues to be. It hurts him and now that he is getting older he knows what is wrong with his dad. I have guardianship of his son.
    My son and girlfriend found an apartment 30 miles away and it’s ok sometimes. They are both addicts and lived off of tax refunds, but that is coming to an end. They take suboxtine from a dr cause my son has Medicaid (because of his son). He also gets adderal and klonapins. He sells to make rent. Now they’ve gotten into fight and her family will allow her to live with them but I won’t let him. I’m just worried that if something happens to him it would kill me and hopefully my grandson won’t hold it against me.
    I have lived with this vicious cycle for 20 yrs and I’m tired so tired. My husband of 43 yrs works out of town and comes home on weekends.
    I also have a middle son who is in Federal prison for the last 5 yrs and still has 3 more to go for drugs. Then i have my youngest son who has seen his brothers waste their life and wants no part of it and does great with working. He thinks I’m crazy for worrying about his oldest brother cause of how awful he treated him from the time he was 12 to 15.
    Thank you for letting me vent and any thoughts would be appreciated.
     
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  2. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    All I can say is, you're in the right place. We are all dealing with similar situations. My 19 year old son is headed down the same road as your oldest. My W, his biological mother, is suffering greatly. It's so hard to know what to do. It seems that in the end, we all come to the same conclusion, that we need boundaries to protect our sanity and usually that includes NOT having them under our roof.
     
  3. Taylor459

    Taylor459 New Member

    I agree. I wish I had of been a lot sterner when he was young, let him make his mistakes and live with them. No, we paid for rehab and helped him out.
    We should have let him hit rock bottom and really know that we weren’t his back up plan. It’s took a long time to be this strong and damn it hurts especially when I look in the eyes of his son.
    I pray that your son comes around and decides he wants help and is able to work the program.
    Thank you
     
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  4. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If he's selling drugs, you cannot let him live with you. The DA can seize your house. That is what has been happening in my city. Even if the homeowner doesn't know and isn't involved in the selling, the DA is seizing homes and they're being sold off at state auctions.
     
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  5. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I would check with your city and state about this. This is not happening here as far as the DA seizing houses. I would not let your son live at home with you, but not because of that unless you find out that this is actually happening where you live. And maybe it is. Do find out.

    We live in a nice area, but drugs are rampant. If the DA seized every house found with drugs, half the homes may be auctioned off already. I say this grimly. We live in an upper middle class to wealthy community with almost no poverty, so the kids of these rather well off parents find the money to buy drugs.

    Heroin and meth and opiads are huge here. This would have been unheard of just ten years ago. Not here. Yes....here.

    It is truly a crisis that one can't run from.
     
  6. Misty@0545

    [email protected] New Member

    Reading about your son and the pain you are going thru is heart breaking. I cant imagine going thru this for 20 years. I cant go thru this for 20 years i would not survive. I envy many of my friends with successful sons at work and in college. I sometimes think that they must be in awful pain themselves for doing what they do. Sometimes i feel like im not really luving but just going thru the motions.
     
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  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome Taylor. Almost all of us are in or have been in your situation. Change the names and the drugs and the ages and we're all of us equal. And all of us are or have dealt with the crippling fear of what could be. It is horrifying. I wake up many mornings with dread.

    The way I see it, your hands are tied. Even if you wanted to, you can't let your son come home. Protecting your grandchild and his son make this impossible. But even if this were not the case, it would not be in your son's best interest for you to solve this for him. He has got to deal with this himself. He is a middle aged man.

    People are all of the time recovering from drugs. But they don't do it because their mother is worried and frightened. They do it because they decide that they want no more of the degraded way they live. I was going to AA for awhile, and I saw all kinds of people decide to work on their recovery. And they are doing it. They were no different than your son. My son lived at a sober living house for a while. I saw men in their fifties and sixties there. They were recovering after decades of drug use and homelessness. Not everybody makes it, that's true. But this is your son's battle to fight. As mothers we need to let them. To get out of their way.

    I live in an area with crazy drug use and homelessness in parts of our town. Mostly downtown. In fact, where my son and M are living there is a house two doors away that has been overrun by homeless/drug users. There have been 3 fires in the past year and a half. Two of them were near the main gasline. Finally, the city is acting. They wanted to seize the whole property but the judge said if the owner does not repair the back house (like with mine, there are 2 houses on the lot) by the end of the month, the city will tear down the structure! I feel certain that if the owner does not deal with the front house, they will seize the property in its entirety. The community police person who is in charge told me that the city will take control of the house, will repair it completely, and they will sell it at market price. The owner will get nothing because out of the proceeds he will have to pay for all of the fire trucks and police as well as the repairs to the house. That's what she said.

    So. In my area too, they are seizing houses.
     
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  8. Taylor459

    Taylor459 New Member

    I’m like that with feeling like just going thru the motions, but I have his son to raise and it’s not fair to him not to have some normalcy of a good home.
    Yes I’m 61 and my husband is 65 and will retire next year and now we are raising a 10 yr old grandson.
    My son called earlier and said he needs to go to rehab with his voice breaking and I said good. I went in my enable mode without even thinking and sent a picture of a rehab that takes Medicaid. He called back and said with the opioid problem they have some kind of new program that will come get him and take him. I really feel that he needs to find this on his own. He finds drugs on his own . Yes this is tearing me up but I have took him and took him so many times. Maybe if he does this all on his own it might actually mean more. Thank you all for your words❤️
     
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  9. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Hi Taylor,
    Welcome!
    One day at a time. Just for today I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a life time.
     
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  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I have my "Just For Today" bookmark right next to me and read this very thing only a few hours before I saw this here. Love "Just for Today."
     
  11. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Taylor, you are right: your son does have to do this on his own. Willingness is Paramount to recovery .

    Addiction is a disease .I believe it is genetic, even though opinions may differ on this. Your son is not working, lies and steals to do what addicts do: find the ways and means to do more drugs. It's their whole life towards the end stages of the disease .

    You did not cause this . No amount of parenting can shield against the disease of addiction. You cannot control it. You cannot cure it. You can, however , contribute to it by enabling your son. It sounds like he may be ready to give rehab another try and enter a recovery program afterwards. Narcotics Anonymous would be a great place for him.

    Please get yourself some help .Attend Al-anon meetings and see whether you can get your Grandson to go to Alateen . You both have been affected by the disease of addiction and without help, it is too much for most of us.

    I also like the White Chip YouTube channel with recovery speakers. Listen to Beth AA speaker . Her Mom raised her children and it's very interesting to hear her perspective on things after many years of recovery had straightened her thinking out. It takes many years for the brain to start functioning properly in recovery.

    I commend you for taking care of your Grandson.
     
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  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son stopped using pills because HE wanted a normal life. I also think that part of the reason was that he wanted his family back.

    I had pulled very far away from him emotionally and we had sent him out of state to sober living after many years of rehabs and relapse. He just didn't want to change ENOUGH. My son is now 24 but honestly I knew we had to take DRASTIC measures to get him to SEE what he was doing.

    I know that I did everything in my power to help him turn his life around for years because he was a minor and then I had to back away. I turned him over to God (and took it back many times in my heart) but he was out of state struggling with relapse.

    What I'm saying is that no matter what age our adult children are at, WE cannot fix this. We usually make things worse when we try. I'm sure he knows that you love him. You are already raising his child. Stop feeling sorry for him. It does not help at all. I am saying this because I did it too and had to stop it because it is paralyzing.
     
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  13. WhyDoWeFallBruce?

    WhyDoWeFallBruce? New Member

    I feel you. Having seen two of my brothers going down with alcohol, and a third one on his way, I am glad I chose not to have them in my life. I am 51 and have had a better life without their chaos, lies and violence.
     
  14. Terry-overwhelmed

    Terry-overwhelmed New Member

    .


    I feel your pain Taylor. I too am 61 years old and my husband is 62 years old. We both retired a few years back with dreams of enjoying it traveling. 6 years ago my 3 grandkids aged 2,4 and 5 were removed from their home due to their Mon’s drug addiction and her not getting help. The grandkids are my sons children. We took legal guardianship of them 5 1/2 years ago. My son did 2 years in prison from crimes he committed while with their Mom. He states he does not have a drug problem and I could never prove he does. He and their Mom broke up while he was incarcerated. She dumped him for someone else who could supply her habit. He has been home for 3 years and living with his dad (my ex husband) He never seems to be able to hold down a job for more than a few months. I have bailed my son out for over 20 years now, one way or another. He is almost 40 years old. Is he just lazy, depressed or have a drug problem? Who knows. He does not know the stress it causes me. Will it ever end? Will I be healthy enough to enjoy whatever life I have left? I guess I will have my grandkids until they are adults. You would think that would motivate my son to work steady. He has had two back operations which limits what work he can do. He recently became homeless because his father lost his apartment. I put him up in a hotel for a few nights and paid a month for a one room rental. I told him he has a month to get a job or he will be homeless. He can not live with me. We already have his 3 kids and do not want someone who is not a good role model to live with us. It would be nothing but chaos. So I understand. I am relieved my son has a place to live for now. For my own sanity I will have to cut him off if things dont change for myself and my grands. Good luck Taylor I can totally relate.
     
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