does my stepson need residentail treatment?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mikig63, Feb 16, 2015.

  1. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    My 13 year old stepson came to live with us a few weeks after his dad and I married, because he was sexually molesting his younger sister. Since then, we have discovered that this went on for a period of 3 years when he and his sister were living in another state with their mother and step father. We immediately got him started in counseling and shortly after he was arrested and charged with a felony for those actions(outcome is still unknown). In the time that he has lived with us, he has lied constantly (while attempting to charm us), he is highly intelligent yet failing most subjects, He has also attempted to put our kitten in the dryer (I caught him in the act), regardless of consequences, he has lied, manipulated, and we have caught him sneaking things and lying about it, shows little remorse (unless he's caught), he pretends to be affectionate towards me to the point that it's obviously phony. I feel as though I need to sleep with one eye open.
    To further complicate matters, his father seems to be in total denial that his son is seriously disturbed. His counselor feels he should be in residential treatment, I agree. However, with both of his parents lying to people in authority, I seem to be the only person that can see the seriousness of this child's issues. I am at a loss....and exhausted.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I adopted a boy like him. He was gone the day I found out he molested my younger kids. I didn't even blink. He was gone. He killed two of our dogs too and played with fire. These behaviors indicate he is a budding psychopath. I would not live with that child. Dad would either put him in residential or I'd leave until the kid was no longer there. The kid is too disturbed to live in a family, especially if you have other kids, but he could perp in the neighborhood too...this child we adopted did so and killed neighborhood animals, but we didn't find out about all this until after he left. Bet this kid had a crazy, chaotic early years of extreme moving around, neglect, abuse and now has reactive attachment disorder, which is the same as having no conscience and no caring of the rights of others. Residential may be the only thing that can save him, if even that can. It would be kinder to put him into 24/7 help than keep him at home where he will only get arrested again.

    Your stepson sounds exactly like our adopted ex-son (we dissolved the adoption). Sorry if that sounds harsh, but nobody can abuse younger people in our house and live there. Anyway, this child was a charmer around adults. Nobody suspected what he was doing until he got caught. The younger kids were too scared of him to tell us what he was doi9ng to them and it also went on for three years.

    Kids with early chaos, no secure caregiver, too many changes, neglect and abuse learn not to trust other people and not to care about other people. The wiring in their little brains get messed up and it can stay that way for good without extreme therapy and once the sexual abuse starts I'm not convinced it ever stops. There is no proof that any sort of therapy helps sexual predators stop their obsession with perping on young ones.

    If you do stay and keep him there, be kind to your cat and rehome it. This child we had acted like he Loooooooooooooved the dogs, then he killed two of them. The first one we did not know was him. The second time blew his entire cover.

    Does your stepson play with fire too?

    Does he pee and poop in inappropriate places or still wet his bed?

    Chances are somewhere along the line, he was sexually abused too. Abusers are almost always abused. However, the mind can stop the memory of it happening, even if the subconscious remembers. But, as sad as that is, it doesn't change that he is also doing it. Most kids who are sexually abused DON'T do it. Although they have issues.

    This is making me relive the time we lived with the child I call Psychokid. I never met a child like him before, but I'm starting to hear about others who were like him. He was also arrested by the county and charged with Sexual Assualt in the Frist Degree against a minor. Now, he was a minor himself. He was 13 when it all fell down for him. But the kdis he sexual played with were six years younger than him and that was the reason he was tried in juvenile court. He was found guilty and had to sign up as a sex offender for years. I don't know if he still has to or even if he obeyed. I just am glad he is no longer in our lives. I feel guilty that I didn't know what was going on. It's hard to explain. He was such a good actor. NOBODY knew he was perping on younger kids since age five (his words).

    To me, after my experience, this would be a dealbraker in the marriage, especially if you have kids or plan to or just love your cat. He WILL kill it. He tried, The boy we had tried a few times before he succeeded.

    Good luck. Your husband needs a true wake up call. Maybe if you leave him until the boy is gone that will make him take the matter more seriously.
  3. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    Thank you Midwest! I started to think I was crazy. I have had such a difficult time with this whole situation (not only does it bring back my own sexual abuse as a child, I am the one who takes him for most of his appointments, talks to him, and tries to give him stability). His father is also an alcoholic who drank again a few weeks ago, I left and he changed the locks while begging me to come home at the same time. I am also an alcoholic (16 years sober), who cannot and will not live with an active alcoholic. I'm back, my husband says he isn't drinking, but he also knows if he does again...our marriage is over.
    I feel so foolish to be in this situation at 51 years of age...but here I am, and I blame ME! I don't think I can handle much more. I feel selfish that I want this boy out of my liofe, I've tried so hard to give him a stable home.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There are some things you cannot solve. Love isn't the answer to every problem - some individuals do not respond to love, they don't know what it is. (part of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is failure to form trusting bonds at a young age)

    You aren't selfish. You are sane. The others in his life are not... yes, it is sad.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Are you kidding? You aren't selfish. You're worried about your safety and his. This boy will probably go on to get into even more trouble and molest more kids. You deserve a better life than living with an active alcoholic with a dangerous stepson. Think of his poor sister!

    It's always uncomfortable to think of a child as damaged beyond repair and he may not be (although I think he is). But regardless of whether or not he could be helped in an intensive residential place, he isn't getting the proper help. I hope his poor sister doesn't have any contact with him. I'm sure she doesn't want to and so often the parents still try to forge a relationship with siblings even when one has sexually abused the other.

    You are totally justified in getting out of the situation. You did not cause this at all. You didn't create what this child has become. He's not your child. The parents are clueless. Get out and have a wonderful rest-of-your-life without the drama. Hon, I'm 61 and at 51 I was so done with drama. I had my share and I firmly believe when we turn 50 we have earned peace and happiness.

    I hope you are good to yourself, a very important and kind person, by the way.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I don't think you're being selfish at all!! This child is in need of far more help that you can give him, or than his parents seems to be willing to admit that he needs. And since you're a step-parent, and not a parent, there is really very little that you can do on your own.
  7. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    Thank you everyone. I have to take him for counseling this afternoon. When he came home from his mother's yesterday, he tried to tell me that he wasn't sneaking the xbox that we found connected in his sister's room, he said he was hooking it up for her. They aren't allowed any contact, THANK GOD! I told him I didn't believe him, and I don't. He only shows a bit of remorse when he is caught doing something he shouldn't, and THAT is because he gets caught (he as much as admitted that last week in counseling).
    I have pretty much decided that I'm done with him and his father (who I believe drank some last night while I was at an AA meeting). I need to find out what my options are, when I left a couple of weeks ago, he claimed that he went to the police and they told him to change the locks (I don't believe him). The house and everything in it were things that I brought to the marriage . I had rebuilt my life after losing everything 5 1/2 years ago. The reason I left at that time was so my stepson wouldn't be uprooted again...
    Then again, if I need to, I'll start from scratch again. Midwest're right, at this stage of my life I'm done with drama.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Get a lawyer first. Find out what your options are. There is no way you need to walk from all your assets and start over from scratch. Or a domestic violence center might have good information about how to proceed.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Be sure to move your things out of there when hubby is gone and take your share of the money. Then move on. This man's kids are young and disturbed and you won't be able to enjoy the best years of your life, which are yet to come. It ain't gonna get any easier with this child and his father sounds like he needs a caregiver as well...blah. You don't need two unpredictable, sick children.

    Do get a lawyer if you can afford one. If you can't, get the hello out anyway. It's not like you're married and have to worry about custody or anything. Thank God it never got that far. You are a caregiver who likes to fix people, I think, like most of us here. And like most of us here, we learned that we can't fix anyone except us. That means you can't fix alcoholic boyfriend or nutty not-even-stepson-yet, but you CAN save yourself and you owe it to yourself to be good to you. Let someone else try to clean up this mess, if anyone will take it on. I am thinking not many offers will come forth.

    Hugs and keep us posted.
  10. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    As an update...we have had the first part of my stepson's psycho/social evaluation (he still needs to see a psychiatrist on the 21st ). This women called me yesterday to let me know that her recommendation will be that my stepson needs 24/7 supervision. I CANNOT deal with this anymore! Our lives are so limited as it is. He won't be allowed near any other children as she feels he is a danger to re-offend (I do as well). I asked about residential treatment and she said that would be part of her recommendation.
    On a brighter note, my husband is sober, attending 12 step meetings and we have begun couples counseling. I discovered he has many of the same feelings as I do regarding his son, but was hesitant to admit it.
    My biggest fear is that this kid will remain with us, I absolutely cannot live that way. Hopefully that doesn't make me sound completely selfish, but I have to be honest.
    I'm completely drained...
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Not me. I'd do what you are doing and wouldn't think twice. Some kids are too damaged to live at home and are a risk to others there. They do not belong in a family setting as nobody can watch them for sure 24/7. Good luck. I hope he gets in because otherwise it will only get worse. You see this yourself.

  12. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    I received a call from the woman who did the psychh/social evaluation of my stepson. She said her recommendation will be that he needs 24/7 supervision. I explained that it simply wasn't possible, that either myself or my husband would have to quit our job and we wouldn't be able to live on one income. She explained that she understood that, and we simply needed to say that when we go to court. My biggest fear is that he WON'T be sent to a residential facility. He will be back in court on 3/31. At my wits end :-(
  13. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

  14. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    Yesterday was the psychiatric evaluation of my stepson. This psychiatrist met with myself, my husband and his mother first. Continually talked over us and down to us. Then he met with my stepson for about 25 mins. When he called us back in, he told us my stepson was depressed and extremely remorseful and couldn't understand why we thought he wasn't . He then proceeded to tell us that what happened with his sister was a bad habit and let's face it habits were hard to break. Then he said hisittle sister "liked it" and if it was so bad she should have said something before it had gone on for 3 years. Basically he implied that my stepson was a good boy that made a mistake and that he didn't feel he needed in patient... But instead we just didn't feel like dealing with the issue.
    My stepson put on a good show of being upset and remorseful. 2 minutes after we left, he was his happy unaffected self while all of the parents were wrecked. His court date is 3/31, our fear is that he will remain in our home and nothing will get better. Feeling very hopeless at this point...
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know I am late in posting to this thread but please do not listen to that psychiatrist. If necessary ask for a second opinion and at court go with what the woman who did the evaluation said. ((((hugs))))
  16. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    So, fingers crossed court is tomorrow. My stepson's counselor will be there, the social worker who investigated and indicated both my husband and his ex wife w for neglect will be there...
    the report came back from the Psychiatrist...stating that my stepson has a high risk of re offending. He suggests he stay in our home with 24/7 supervision, cannot be around children unsupervised, has alarms on his doors and intensive treatment. However, if this can't be done, he should be sent to residential. OMG! I hope the judge takes all into consideration, I can't continue on like this, and I can't count on my husband to stay sober. His probation officer and his counselor as well as CPS feel he should be in inpatient treatment. I certainly hope the judge takes this all into consideration. Probably not sleeping much tonight...
  17. mikig63

    mikig63 New Member

    I want to thank all who have posted on this thread for the warm support. Yesterday, my stepson was sent to therapeutic foster care (most likely he will end up in in patient treatment)...for the first time in 7 months...I slept. Now, let's see if my husband can stay sober, if not, he'll be gone as well.
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
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  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    {{{HUGE HUGS}}}
    At least somebody listened and used their head(s). Yes, I'm sure you SLEPT. It will take a long time to build your body back up, but it does come. Look after yourself so you can look after the rest of the family.