Does the Good Son ring a bell?

[CadreJane]

As with most members of this forum, I can safely assume that someone can relate to my desperate need of support right now.

I have a 9 year old daughter with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), ADHD and Mood Disorder. Being the only one within my group of "friends" that has a child, people seem completely puzzled with my child's behavior. I really have NOBODY (except a therapist) who might be able to understand how and what I feel. I'm not even sure if what I feel or what my daughter does is normal.

My daughter has been in childcare since she was 6 weeks old (military) and has Reactive Attachment Disorder as a result. Maybe this paved the emotional road to her mood disorder, I don't know. What I do know is that since she has been able to walk, she has been able to throw tantrums that last up to 4 hours. I have even had to restrain her so that she wouldn't hurt herself.

She has absolutely no concept of cause and effect and no regard for the feelings of others. For example, she knows screaming at the top of her lungs is WRONG but when she gets in trouble for doing it, she screams even louder.

She has kicked holes in walls, been expelled from school; she is completely unrational. When she is disappointed in some way, she throws a tantrum and there is no reasoning with her. She screams about screaming and throws so many fits in the course of one tantrum, she can't remember what the original issue was.

The hard part is, she has some sense somewhere. We do not swear and neither does she; whether it's her choice or us rubbing off on her, I don't know.

My daughter is above her grade academically. Sometimes I feel as if maybe I've blown everything out of proportion because she can be so loving and polite. Then she turns into her evil twin who is manipulative, surely and destructive. Then when I think I need to run away from home, she is humming Hannah Montana and giggling.

My daughter has never been raised to get her way; she is not a child of the 'useless plastic gadget' time nor a digital diva. We don't eat junk food and she has NO caffiene.

Seriously, I am going insane questioning my parenting abilities and my own sanity. Is this normal?

What the heck do people do to get through this??

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. Happy to meet you, but so sorry you have to be here.

I have a few thoughts, but I"m tired so I hope I make sense...lol.

1/Who on earth diagnosed your daughter with reactive attachment disorder? That in my opinion seems really odd. Do you know how many kids are in childcare that early? That means they all have reactive attachment disorder? Methinks, with my mom gut, that this could be a gross misdiagnosis. To me, she sounds like she could have a childhood mood disorder instead and it's not getting the right treatment. Anyhoooo...have a few questions that will help us give you better help.

1/What type of diagnostician did the diagnosing? Has she ever had an intensive neuropsychologist evaluation?

2/ Are there any psychiatric problems or substance abuse (whether or not it is active now) on either side of your child's family tree? Any undiagnosed "strange" relatives?

3/How was her early development in these areas: speech, appropriate toy play, appropriate imitating of gestures such as waving bye-bye, any strange obessions or lining of toys, how is her eye contact both with you and hub and with strangers, does she enjoy cuddling, is she sensitive to loud nose or certain textures or will she refuse to eat certain foods? Can she transition well from one activity to another or does that make her meltdown?

4/My best guess is she is wired differently with is not related to attachment, and she probably needs medication so she can calm down and enjoy her life more. I have bipolar. I'm on two medications that make my life enjoyable and functional. I personally don't believe eating well or no caffeine is enough for this particular child. And it isn't how you are raising her or your parenting. She really can't control herself and it isn't your fault.

My gut advice is to have her re-evaluated by a neuropsychologist. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is normally the result of children who are not nurtured in their early years. Many infants end up in daycare or with day homes or with grandmas or various relatives. It just doesn't sound right to me. I adopted a child with severe reactive attachment disorder and THAT made sense and he was a very dangerous child indeed. He couldn't live with us due to the things he did to humans and animals.

Welcome again. Others will come along soon, I"m sure. You're no longer alone.

 

[change]

Yes. I am living through the same thing. The only difference is that now my daughter is suddenly "clueless". She used to be in gifted classes in elementary and now she is in Special Education. math and seems very immature at times. We don't get it at all. Also, she still seems above average in soem areas like reading very adult books and above average in spelling, yet struggles in writing, and struggles to get her point across in conversations. It's weird. My daughter is adopted...a CPS kid. Adopted at age 3 1/2. She has attachment disorder but not severe compared to her brother who was definitely Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

 

[Running_for_the_shelter]

You definitely need some good professional help for your child. Whoever told you she has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) from being in childcare at 6 weeks is just wrong. Many, many working people have to put their children in care at that age. I did, too. First child is perfectly fine; second is a difficult child. My difficult child did a lot of the same things yours did when he was four. Didn't kick holes in the wall, but doubtlessly this was because he was too small to do it. Tried a lot of things but eventually went the medication route when he was five and wished I'd done it at least a year before. Try to get some referrals and in the meantime, check out Ross Greene's book "The Explosive Child". Techniques really helped with ours although without the medications to calm the firestorm in his brain, I don't know how much success we would have had. You'll get lots of good advice here -- this board has helped me a lot. Good luck!