Does this pain ever end? i an overwhelmed.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Havehadenough70, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. A few weeks ago i wrote about my 19 yr son who was out of control and the turmoil i was in having thrown him out of the house. Since then a lot has happened and its not good. He was out for three days and i thought he was staying with a friend until one of his loser friends told me he was sleeping out. I was in shock, so i asked his friend to bring him home to talk. He had a terrible flu and was coughing so much therefore i let him stay. He said he was ready to obey rules, stop smoking pot or bring alcohol to the house, and i decided to give him a chance to prove himself - big mistake.

    A few days after he came back, i got a call from the bank about suspicious charges made on a credit card i had not used in a year. It seems when i threw him out, he had taken that card and had charged 1,100 dollars in a span of 3 days - i was speechless.He denied everything, but i know it was him because he knew where i kept it and the withdrawls were made a few blocks from my house. He seemed to be doing okay and following the rules for a few more days, and i tested him for all drugs which showed he was still using marijuana and negative for all others. He was coming home late all the time, sometimes not even showing up and failing to say where he was spending the night and after coming home from one of those nights, i searched his room and found a bag full of tiny ziplock bags packed with marijuana and a portable weighing scale. He said it belonged to his friend - he really thinks i am stupid at this rate.

    Things came to a head last week. After watching him come home in the wee hours day after day, i told him if it happened again i would lock the doors and let him spend the night where he was. So on wednesday, he came at 2.30am, doors were locked and he started banging on them which disturbed the neigbours and i had no choice but to open since he wouldn't stop. He left thursday morning and hasn't come back. Friday was his last day at the church internship he has been participating in and at the end of the day, they gave him a cheque for 5000 dollars for college. He called on sunday to say he was okay and not to bother looking for him after i had started harrassing his "friends" and threatening to call the police on them for being accomplices on pot dealing. God knows what he is doing out there with 5000 dollars, i am still stunned.

    My heart is breaking into pieces. I know he is probably better of out there facing the real world, because after the money is gone reality check will hit him. But i also feel like i have not done enough to help him of which i don't know what to do anymore since he refused therapy. I am trying to detach myself, and the fear and worry stresses me so much i almost went to the emergency room last night from pain. How do you go on...................?
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    The best help you can give your pot smoking, self centered, irresponsible, thieving 19 year old son is to do exactly what he's asked: DO NOT LOOK FOR HIM, LEAVE HIM ALONE. Next, start going to al-anon meetings as often as you can, everyday if necessary. You MUST learn to detach so your heart isn't breaking all the time, so you don't allow your son back into your home to steal from you, to wake your neighbors pounding on the door, to disrespect you. Believe me, if you continue to allow him back into your home, you will NOT be helping him, you will be enabling him, holding him back...helping him to stay exactly as he is today. The best help you can give him is to let him be on his own and fail and pick up the prices of his life on his own. We know it's difficult, been there done that, but consider it self preservation, caring for yourself FIRST. Big gentle hugs.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You've done all you can to help him. You can't "help" with the monster that is addiction. This he has to do alone. He has to make the decision and make the changes. It's horrible, but it is what it is. With addiction you have to carefully think through anything you may want to do to "help" to look for ways this could be enabling him to continue the behavior. It's hard, it's frustrating, and it's painful to watch.

    Learning to detach from the situation helps as you learn to refocus on yourself and your life in general. It doesn't mean you don't love him and don't care, it just means you're not allowing his choices to destroy you or your life along with his. It's a process of learning how to shift gears from child parenting to adult parenting.

    If it were me, he'd be facing charges for the credit card.

    It's hard to take it all in at first. Harder still to realize how addiction alters their world so totally.

  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    First of all, I am so sorry. I understand that this pain is very strong and very deep. I've been through something very similar as have many/most here.
    Detachment is the only way out. It is vital for you and it is even good for your son.
    Here is something to read that might help:
    I agree with the others....get yourself to an Al Anon or a Family Anonymous meeting as soon as possible. There you will get the support you need to keep you strong.
    If you are able, also see if you can get a therapist/counselor to help you through this pain.
    You are right, your son should NOT be in your home. He is breaking the law, hurting you and hurting himself.
    YOu can continue to offer him counseling, and probably should continue to make this offer, but you are right, he probably will continue to refuse. If drugs are a major problem, you might want to consider if you can issue a Marchment Act...which will legally force him to get to treatment. If you know an attorney, you might ask. Or you can go to a local police station and see if someone there can talk to you about this type of thing.
    In the mean time, read what you can about detachment and please push yourself to get to a meeting of Al Anon or Families Anonymous as soon as possible. Put MUCH MUCH MUCH more emphasis on YOU and your health than his. He is over 18, etc.
    In time, as you detach, the pain will improve. As others have said, you will refocus on your life, things you enjoy, good people and friends and you will find the joy that is out there in this world for you to have.
  5. NervousNelly

    NervousNelly New Member

    Havehadenough....I am currently going through a very similar situation. I recently had to tell my daughter not to come home after she stole from my husband and I. She is a meth addict. She and I had been very, very close all of her life and this has devastated me. I have been crying since it happened on Sunday so I understand what you're feeling. But these folks are right. Detachment seems to be the answer for saving our own sanity and I am working on it now. I have to keep reminding myself of all the crummy things she's done over the last year since she started using, otherwise I just feel more and more hurt. I started attending al-anon meetings a couple of weeks ago before all this happened. Just being around folks that have similar experiences helps. I would encourage you to look into them not only in person, but also on-line meetings if there are none in your area. The link suggested above for detachment has some great words of wisdom. Check that out too.

    As a parent, we can't help but feel pain over losing our child like this. I feel I am in mourning right now. I even told my husband this hurts almost as much as when my mom died. So you see, it's ok to feel the pain and loss and to mourn. But work on taking care of you too by learning how to detach and seeking comfort in others that understand your pain.

    Good luck. This is a hard thing to stumble through.

  6. Rainbird

    Rainbird New Member

    I feel your pain, as I am dealing with the same sort of thing. Everyone, including my therapist says that you have to let them hot their bottom before they will see the light. Detachment might be excruciating but you have to also look at taking care of yourself and other family members that may need you. I wish I could give you a hug, I know how heartbreaking it is.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She stole your credit cards and ran them up to over a thousand dollars. Call the credit card companies and have them level fraud complaints on the purchases. When they find out it is him, go ahead and prosecute. It wont be fun and you wont be popular but you will likely save your kid years of much worse issues. Better they go through these things now at as young an age as possible than to graduate to armed robbery and grand theft in a year or two and be looking at 25 to life.
  8. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    He'll be back once he is done running through 5K.

    by the way - was this a grant from the church, a scholarship or a loan? Does it need to be paid back? Are you going to be liable for that amount if misused or not used as directed?

    If it was supposed to go directly towards going to college and you are active in the church and worried about your standing within your church community, you might want to talk to someone [pastor, reverend, etc] in the church and let them know what is going on and that most likely the 5K is going up in smoke [no pun intented]. Perhaps it is not too late to put a stop payment on the check, and have the funds held and paid directly to a college once he actually enrolls somewhere. Just thinking - it would be a shame for it to be misused as he surely will do in the state of mind he is right now...
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree with the others. You can't help him any more if he doesn't truly WANT to quit using drugs. Stealing is just a part of drug using. They usually can't keep a job so they steal, even from beloved family members, to support their drug habit. Been there/done that with my daughter. We do them no favors sheltering and babying them while they refuse help and continue to abuse us. It doesn't help them...and it can destroy our own lives. Your son had enough money to pay for a place to stay, but he probably used the stolen money on drugs. You can't stop that. Only he can. Addiction is a journey on must take alone.

    I agree with going to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon for yourself. You deserve a support system.

    Hugs and let us know how it goes.
  10. Thank you all for the encouragement and a big hug to the other parents going through similar experiences. I am trying my best to detach. I made an appointment to see a therapist next week. I also researched al-non meetings in our area and found they meet everyday in different locations so i intend to start going on monday.

    My son - i will start calling him k now, have not returned home. Yesterday i decided to disconnect his phone which had been on my family plan and called him to inform him about it. He was mad about it (incredible), and asked me if i could wait for one more day before shutting it off which i refused. Its disconnected now and i don't have to open my at&t online account every two hours which was becoming an obssesion.

    For those who had not seen my first post in june, i had mentioned that k was a permanent resident in this country and also he had gun charges pending at the local superior court. The da had told his lawyer that the charges would be dropped by the end of this month and all k had to do was go before the judge and explain what had happened the day he was arrested since the police and the da's office didn't believe the story he told the first time. Janet, the reason i have not pressed charges is because i didn't want to make things worse. I had paid a lawyer 15,000 dollars, and was hoping the case would be resolved so all that money would not go to waste. I know i am not helping but i also know if he doesn't stop what he is doing, he will end up in jail and after jail, he will be deported. Somebody mentioned before that he would probably be better of if he was deported, and though its very painful, that will probably save him.

    Mom of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) kid, the 5000 dollars was a college scholarship he got after doing 8 weeks of internship at our church. I called the pasor and told him about it, but it was too late because the cheque had already been released to him. The pastor has been trying to talk to him and warning him not to spend that money but who knows what he has been doing? Oh, i forgot to metion that he has been sneaking into my house during the day to shower and change, i guess i'll have to change the locks soon.

    Thanks again for your support.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh man. Deported and that isnt scaring him half silly? Sheesh. I can understand the fact that he doesnt get the whole idea of what this has cost you on a personal level because lets face it...he is a difficult child and simply cannot put himself into another persons shoes at this point. If you are lucky, one day someone will steal from him and he will get a glimmer of what he is doing to you and others. A bit of payback if you will. It happened to my son and he had a bit of a revelation.

    However the sheer thought of getting kicked out of our county or state...much less this country would shake my son up so much he would behave which is why me charging him actually has worked for the most part. He didnt want to go away. Now Im not saying he is perfect in anyway. He will never have a drivers license because he has screwed that up royally and so he keeps driving without a license. He may well end up in jail for that eventually and we both know it. I wont help him. He knows that.

    I hope you can get this resolved. I feel for you.